How do couples have sex when older children at home ?
Our children are 10-16 years old and I have great anxiety about them hearing us.
Aside from putting on the audio from a loud action film, the image from a porno and being as quiet as possible, it’s becoming a science. Although let’s face it - there’s no satisfaction in always being quiet. I mean we have noisy toys too 🤷♀️
A marriage counsellior once told us ‘it’s healthy - let them hear’ which to some extent I agree with. But I can’t help feeling like I don’t want to traumatise them from hearing us (their father is especially loud) experience the big O.
We do try to make time together when they’re at school etc but with our jobs that’s not always possible.
Our house is quite small and offloading then to friends is often not an option.
Any advice is appreciated.
14 Replies
I kind of feel like they're old enough for a bit of honesty.
"Mum and Dad are gonna be busy in our room for an hour, I suggest you put your headphones on and knock first if you need anything".
My kids range from 2-13, I have sex every day first thing in the morning quiet and on the side in case they walk in, also last thing at night once we go to bed. My teen usually watches movies but everyone else is asleep. He’s heard us a couple of times but we’ve discussed puberty and sex so he knows what’s going on but doesn’t care. More worried about my 7 year old who doesn’t know when to leave the room after walking in 🤣 letting kids know that parents have healthy sex lives is not a bad thing. Gosh my OH parents stopped sleeping in the same room years ago. He assumed that seeing as he’s never heard them having sex that married people stopped having sex after they had kids. He loves sex didn’t want to put a ring on it in case I decided once we were married that I didn’t need to have sex with him anymore. Simply not the case and I enjoy it as much as he does. I’m not going to hide that I have sex to my kids.
In saying what I’ve said I should clarify, I don’t sit there moaning and groaning so loudly my kids can hear me. We play music, we do our thing and we’re not yelling and screaming and making it known. Even a hotel I wouldn’t go crazy and scream from the roof tops traumatising other peoples kids. There’s a room either side of us that’s pretty much vacant, in our house so there’s a buffer. My kids sleep heavily. Hearing my parents go for it never traumatised me. I was actually “good on them” but they weren’t yelling and screaming like porn stars either. You don’t have to do that to have sex with your partner. We have 2 locks on our door because the little blighters have all learnt to unlock it from the outside 🙄 you can have good sex without screaming the house down. Especially if you have a sturdy bed that doesn’t knock against the wall with every thrust.
The seven year old doesn’t know what’s going on, I would be more worried about the teen. Not sure what sex Ed has to do with it? He’s a teenager, he knows what sex is, doesn’t mean he should hear it on a regular basis. How do you know he doesn’t care, I’m sure it’s something he doesn’t want to talk about.
Actually I know my kid and shock horror we still talk and have discussions. Like I said we’re not screaming and being overly noisy, we try and be quiet but somwtimes an enthusiastic moan comes out. He goes to boarding school so isn’t home often. When he is home we don’t stop having sex. He has head phones on the majority of the time anyway. He’s knocked and asked if I was ok before this was when he should have been sleeping the next day we spoke about it. No my kid doesn’t have to hear it, I’m making sure I do my best so they can’t hear it. But if they accidentally do it’s not the end of the world. Playing music is about the only thing we can do as we don’t have a tv In our room. We don’t want our sex life to be destroyed by the TV in the bedroom. That’s our choice and our view. You don’t need to think the same way. Just accept that others aren’t like you.
My parents booked A LOT of dirty weekends when we were this age. Like A LOT.
And a lot of sleep overs elsewhere for us too.
I remember them high 5ing each other when they managed to get all three of us out of the house on the same night.
Dont let them hear you !! Trust me it does traumatize children...lol... well I still cringe at the things I heard & saw as a child. When they are at school ? I used to have my older niece live with us & we often locked the bedroom door & had showers & had sex in between. I guess we were trying to make out we were just both having showers.
I'm eternally grateful i never heard my parents.
Hmmm . I have a different opinion here . I don't think our kids should be subjected to hearing us as parents fucking . I heard my parents many times when I was a kid and it traumatised me . I felt weirdly disgusted. However , in my own marriage , I have a healthy sex life and have older teens living at home still, and if I thought for a second that they heard us romping around pounding and squealing, I'd be mortified and it would be a big killer for me to be able to relax during sex . I don't doubt our kids know why we are in our bedroom with the door locked from time to time , but I'd rather it left unspoken. My sex life is fortunately none of their business . We too put on a movie or music at loud levels just to muffle any noises . Just in case . LOL .
This is exactly my thoughts.
While showing affection is healthy and good for children to witness, hearing their parents fucking is not.
I am happy to leave it as the ‘unspoken’ in our home as our romps and kinks are def none of their business. Of course teens think they know what goes on behind closed doors, but I could and would never want to know what my parents did.
Exactly. Affection is great but not considering whether others can hear you having sex us really inconsiderate in general and quite inappropriate when it's your children.
I agree.
Most teenagers would be aware their parents have sex now and again and accidentally overhearing sexy noises, eh, awkward but probably not going to cause lasting harm. Having sex and not caring that kids can hear or even just allowing kids to hear, that doesn't sit right with me. I actually think this sex therapist is off the mark with this one, especially as OPs youngest child is only 10!
I've worked in industries where I've been a mandatory reporter, obviously I'm trained in the area of child protection/signs of abuse. So i kind if feel like the sex therapist's advice goes against everything we teach kids about protective behaviours and private activities etc.
Normalizing sex is one thing but there's a line.
OP. I think you just have to get creative, bit of music, occasional nights in a cheapo motel etc.
Yes. I'm a mandatory reporter too and it would be a flag