My partner and I have been together for just over a year and a half. We have one child together and I have children to a previous partner. We’re still quite young, both being 24. On the weekend he went out clubbing after we had a massive argument and when he was out most of the night he sat with a woman ‘flirting’ with her. They also added each other on snap chat and talked on that (can’t see the messages).
I snooped on his phone and found a message from a mutual friend saying “Don’t go with (girls name)” and he said “why”. I normally wouldn’t go through his phone like that but we have each other’s password for our phones and he was being odd, didn’t get home until 6am and then proceeded to sleep in his car until 10am and then came inside the house.
He says all they did was chat, I believe him but I am still seriously hurt. Now I don’t know where to go from here. We sat and talked and I asked if he wants out of the relationship, he swears he doesn’t. I then asked why he did it and he doesn’t know. So I asked that we both delete our snap chats which he was fine with, that he don’t hang out with his friend who introduced him to this woman and then proceeded to leave them alone. I also stated that he’s now not aloud to go out without me clubbing. But now that I’ve had a night to think it over I feel like these are controlling requests? Are these reasonable now that he’s broken my trust or? And I don’t want him to resent me, but what do I do now that trust has gone out the window? He pretty much mislead this woman into believing that he was single and chatted with her all night and then added her on snap chat with obvs the intention of talking to her through this app. These are breaking the boundaries of our relationship and I’m so hurt.
Broken Trust
Broken Trust
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
9 Replies
See, under normal circumstances I'd be out. Only a year together and he starts showing deceitful, untrustworthy behaviour? Nah, fuck that, boy see you later...
No part of me would ever want to be in a relationship whith a guy where I'd have to become that woman who dictates social media usage and what friends he can or cannot associate with just to keep myself feeling secure in the relationship. That's really not how healthy relationships should function!
He will eventually come to resent you and you will resent him.
Your situation is slightly more complicated though seeing as you've already had a baby together. Part of me wonders if he was actually ready to settle down and play family man, I'm not judging but this all must've happened pretty fast and being still young, he sounds fairly immature tbh!
I feel like you've got some really hard choices ahead of you regarding your future, you can either forgive him and try and put it behind you or you can decide that you don't want to live with this fear that he might cheat looming over your head.
I’m totally with you.
Not judging because I’m 4.5 years in to a relationship with my second baby daddy bringing extras to the table with a near 2 year old.
This would be a deal breaker for me. My ex broke my trust numerous times. I stayed and I regretted it. I didn’t just stay I had more children to him thinking it would fix things. It only continued to help him exert his control and dominance over my life. When I moved on I waited, we used birth control and it was only after a couple of years that baby making was on the cards for us.
What your OH has done is inexcusable. I’m pretty sure he’s having second thoughts about the relationship and it’s unfortunately because everything has moved so fast for the both of you. He’s gone from being young and single to a dad of multiple kids in 12 whole months. 12 months into my relationship my partner was still only just getting to know my children not living breathing their entire existence. Most men his age are not equipped to deal with such a huge responsibility. Another mans children. Note I said most men for you ladies with a fire cracker up your clacker. Do you guys get a break? Is your other children’s father/s in the picture? Do they take them for visitation? Honestly if it wasn’t for my family and my older children’s dad taking them for visitation before he jumped ship we probably would not have made it so far into our relationship where we are as strong as we are. Blending lives is a complicated thing and again it is a huge responsibility to take on another mans children and to thrive at it without second thinking the whole situation. He says he loves you, ultimately love is not enough.
Nope. If you can't trust him with his friends, can't trust him on his phone, can't trust him to go out without you, it's over. Dont do it to yourself. You're not this person in a relationship are you? That's the end. And it's HIS fault.
Relationships can sometimes come back from breaches of trust. It takes a lot of work (voluntary) from the person who broke that trust. That’s usually where things fall apart, because the person wants things to go back the way they were straight away.
He can prove to you, by his behaviour every day that he wants to earn your trust. But you can’t make him, it’s got to come from him.
You are on the right track though by knowing the things he should be voluntarily doing. Avoiding high risk situations for example, voluntarily checking in with you about where he is etc.
You will know very quickly if he is doing the things to earn your trust back. You can’t force him, but it’s ok to know what you’ll accept in a relationship and what you won’t and walk away if he isn’t earning that trust back.
This early into a relationship I'd say see ya later to the boy. But you share a child together which makes it very hard to just get out and move on.
My husband has breached my trust in the past, I put no rules in place however he just had to be completely transparent and upfront about his whereabouts and what he was doing/who with. I fully trust him now and he is always honest. He knows I don't care about certain things but for some reason felt the need to hide it once off and it spiralled into a big ball of lies on the back of another to cover his first lie. We came back from it fine, it took a few weeks for me to get over the emotional side of it and when he went out again I did feel quite anxious, but I let him show me it was okay and I could trust him.
Was the child planned?
You’re only 24, you have so many more fertile years left, what was the rush?
Sounds like he’s immature, not ready to be a family man, he is only 24.
He’ll start to resent you probably for making him adult and you’ll resent him for his childish ways.
Has he stepped up with your other children?
In 18 months he’s probably gone from being single, no responsibilities to having multiple kids and a live in partner.
It usually takes a mature man who has life experience to take on another mans children, I don’t think he sounds ready for all of this.
And do you want to police your partner?
Nothing worse, nothing kills the romance more than being the parent to a partner.
You could always try to slow it all down, live apart and date, if you think it’s worth it, but I think you’ve both gone in too hard and too fast.
Delete Snapchat that is toxic.
And what happens next time you argue?? He says he only talked to her, doesn't mean that's all he did or intended to do.
You can't trust a boy pretending to be a man.
He us done he it's not your fault he is just too immature and lovely it gets worse, imagine being disrespected more and left alone and shamed , leave now your 24 I'm 39 and wished I had of left at 24 dont be me run for this hills with your babies and self respect intact you can not love a pig with lipstick on you deserve better he is just a looser
My ex went out with a mate and while they were out he started talking to a girl that we both knew from high school (a girl who was older than me, had bullied me and would have known for sure that I was with him). His mate ended up going home and my ex went to another club with her... He told me that they were just flirting and dancing and that nothing happened but our relationship was scarred from that point. Slowly but surely I lost all trust and love for him.
10 years on, I am with the mate that he went out with that night. We have 2 beautiful children and another on the way.
Know your worth and know when it’s worth moving on, good luck xx