My husband and his ex-wife share a dog that she adopted after their divorce. The dog she supposedly adopted for the children and began sending over to his/our house. We have asked her to let us have the dog permanently and she refused saying that the kids are sad when the dog is not with them. The dog spends 98% of the time in our house (the children are with us 50% of the time), but since we are not the legal guardians on this animal we can't make decisions without consulting with her . However, we spend our money providing for this creature.
I hate the current situation and don't believe in co-owning a dog or any pet that was not part of the marriage/relationship. I don't know what to do. He gets mad whenever I point out this dog is now our dog, and we fight over it. The dog ruined our basement carpet from urinating on it, and if it was our dog, I would just deal with it, but he isn't our dog. Any suggestions.
Sharing a dog with his ex-wife
Sharing a dog with his ex-wife
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
23 Replies
Send it back to her and don't let it come back. What if something happens to it while in your care? Who foots the vet bill? Send it back. Sharing pets after divorce is just ridiculous imo. You choose which pets you have at your house, not the ex and not the kids.
That's exactly what I think. The dog should have one place to call home. Unfortunately, my husband does not agree, he is attached to the dog and will not back me up on sending him back unless we get full custody. She knows this, so she continues to have a dog when she feels like having it, and not when it doesn't suit her. It is much less expensive for her to have a pet this way.
Start by insisting they go back to the original plan then, the dog only comes when the kids are there. Also write up a list of rules that go with the dog, any damage by the dog, vet bills, food etc get billed to the owner of the dog. Don't even pick it up unless it has enough food to last it. He needs to grow some balls and get tough, she could just take this dog at anytime and not allow it back even after he has paid for everything for it.
I’d send it back and not let it come back. Unless your partner backs you up.
I'd be telling her:
2 choices Sister!
Either hand over ownership of the dog and we will then take on all the responsibilities and rights as owners.
Or 2, the dog stays at your house permanently. No more doggy daycare at our house, your dog - you look after it/feed it/get it veterinary care/whatever else he needs.
You might not believe in it, but thats beside the point. It's his arrangement with his ex and the kids, i assume before you. Honestly I think you're making a bit of an issue out of nothing, and possibly BECAUSE it's an arrangement with the ex that doesn't involve you?
What really would be different if the dog didn't go with the kids sometimes?
The dog spends 90% of the time with us, it rarely goes back to her house, she doesn't want it, she just won't give us custody because she knows we want it. I would gladly claim ownership/guardianship over the dog. I just don't want to spend my money and time caring for other people's pets. My husband is very attached to the dog, and he wants him to be his dog. She does nothing for this creature. In 6 years she never got him a bed at her house, or bought him treats let alone groom it. I have to do all of it. I know it seems like I'm being petty, and I should choose bigger battles, but she has taken advantage of my husband since the divorce and the dog is just one more thing he has to take care of for her. The vet bills are adding up and she always has an excuse like we didn't consult her on it therefore she shouldn't have to pay, we can't be consulting her when at the vet, it is ridiculous, we do what is best for the dog regardless of cost because that is the right thing to do. If she can't care financially for it why not just let us have him.
I'm going through similar with stepsons dog. My partner has had it for 4 years and we have been treating it as our own without any financial or physical help from stepson. He recently moved into a place that allows dogs and my partners ex just came and picked the dog up one day to take it to him, no warning or thanks just took the dog. We were devastated. But she was back with us after a week because she was devastated too and was not happy at all. So my advise is let her eat her words, send the dog back and I can guarantee she will be happy to hand over ownership to you. Give it a few weeks.
But I don't get the problem. It already IS your (hubby's) dog, it just goes to her sometimes, with the kids. If it was yours you would still have to clean it's mess and pay for food and treats. What else is there?
The problem is it's not legally their dog. If it gets bitten by a snake and they pay 3k for it to get better, the ex could pick it up the next day and they never see it again. That's the big problem here, they are happy to look after it by the sounds of it but would like it to be theirs. If the ex can't afford to look after it she should just give it to them, they are already looking after it when she isn't.
But that's not the agreement. They got it together so it's basically the kids dog. The OP wants it to be all theirs but thats just a want. The issue you raised could be solved with a written agreement that the dog will always be with the children, or will always be with them at least 50% of the time unless agreed by both parties. Really, considering how they got it and the history, it already is and she would have an equally hard time of taking it 100%, but from what she's said, that's not an issue anyway.
It Is his dog, so if it's bitten by a snake or whatever in his care then yeah he's going to pay a huge vet bill regardless. This shared issue doesn't affect that.
It kind of does because nobody would want to pay a huge vet bill for a dog that's not theirs. OP says the ex adopted the dog, so it is hers and she could have done that without asking if he wanted it half the time, just insisted it go with the kids. Which is a piss weak excuse anyway because it obviously isn't going with the kids all the time.
Sometimes you just have to let people make their own choices. You can't control everything. Sure its not something you imagine you would do, and you can complain all you want about the possible negatives of the set up but its working fine, hes happy with it and its his arrangement, so to me, this is an issue of mindset.
Obviously he's not happy if he asked for ownership of the dog. Ops thoughts have a lot to do with it too considering she is caring for the dog and it's also her home. This is not something that is strictly between the bio parents, this is not a parenting issue.
Get your own dog and don't allow this other one back! The kids can then have a dog at each house without the extra BS! I'm sure they would love to go to the RSPCA or an animal rehoming place to help pick one out!
This is so ridiculous! My girlfriends partner’s ex tried this on too. They said No from the start. I think this may have been where you went wrong. Now hubby is attached not much you can do!
Thanks everyone for the feed back, oh did I mention, the ex is our next door neighbor...yup, the issue goes deeper than the dog clearly, as she would ask him to come fix the sprinklers etc, I think moving will solve the dog dilemma, and most other problems, but we have to wait till the kids are older.
Well dog issue aside, that could be a brilliant set up for the kids if you all get along and have some boundaries in place.
This could give the kids the best of both worlds and also more likely to share costs of dog.
Have you always hated this set up or is it new? There is def more to this than just the dog. Maybe you feel like your needs/wants are not being met over hers?
I don't hate it, but dislike it most days. He was living next door to her when I met him. I was promised we would move, when we got married, but can't seem to agree on area of town or house (I know it is because he doesn't want to move) it is very convenient to the kids and for both parents. And yes, there is much more than just the dogs. It is hard to have boundries when you literally live 10 feet away. We are much better now, because I said no to being her regular baby sitter, dog sitter, sprinkler fixer, mechanic helper etc. Once the youngest one drives we will for sure move.
Why do you have to wait until the kids are older to move house? We lived across the road from my partners ex wife. No way in hell was that working. He was told we either move or the kids and I moved and he could stay. Nothing but trouble and issues. Life couldn’t be better now we don’t have to see her
Sounds to me like it is working for everybody else in this scenario.
I think mentioning you are actually neighbours would have helped with context of the situation.
I knew there was a piece missing because it just didn’t make sense.
I think the dog is the least of your worries, you are clearly unhappy with the living arrangements and his support of the mother of his children.
I’m not sure any new wife would be happy with the current living situation, address the big issues and the little ones (like the dog) will fall into place.
Don’t think I would have married him until he showed he could detach from his last marriage.
The thought of living next door to my ex....urghhh....no thanks lol
This is definitely an unusual situation.