Needing advice.... When I was 13yrs old my uncle (mums brother) grabbed me and touched me in appropriately. I told my mum and the whole family ended up finding out. And nothing was done about it. He even rang me when he knew I was home alone heavy breathing etc on the phone. Fast forward a few years and my uncle did it again to my cousin. Again nothing was done. So now I’ve heard my uncle is dying and visiting town for a few days to meet up with family and friends one last time to say goodbye. I’ve heard my mum and dad (separated) are planning on visiting him at my aunties place where he will be staying.
Now I’m feeling heartbroken, betrayed and confused as my initial reaction is to wipe anyone from my life who goes to visit my uncle. But a friend of mine has told me everyone has the right to have their own relationship with my uncle based on their own experiences with him. 🤷🏻♀️
What should I do?
Should I hate my family for visiting my childhood molester?
Should I hate my family for visiting my childhood molester?
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Mental Health, Behaviour
12 Replies
It alarms me that nothing was done when you spoke up all those years ago, I'm so sorry you had to go through that!
If i had a relative that sexually abused my child, I'd wish them dead, i certainly wouldn't be going to say my goodbyes when they were on their literal death bed. I know that's probably not the healthiest way to feel but that's the truth.
So i can completely understand why you feel betrayed by your parents continuing to have a relationship with your abuser. That must be incredibly hurtful!
Have you spoken to them candidly and told them how their inaction when you needed their help as a little girl impacted you? Have you explained that them sweeping it under the carpet and their continued support of your uncle has felt like a huge stab in the back?
I don't know if you're already speaking to a professional counsellor or therapist but I really feel it would be helpful. There are many that specialise in sexual trauma too.
💜 sending healing vibes your way💜
I'm really sorry that this happened to you! I'm sure the incident itself was horrible enough but the fact that no one did anything is just awful. I do hope that you are getting the help you need.
I don't think you should hate your family though even if they go and see him. Unfortunately he is your mums brother - your parents have known him long than they've known you and some relationships are very complex and people can't often explain how and why they still maintain relationships with other people eg. People in abusive relationships. Your mum still has a memory of the person he was before he did those things to you and whether she wants to or not will miss some part of him when he is gone. I think that maybe you need to have an honest conversation with your parents about what happened (if you're up to it) now that you're an adult and make sure they are aware of exactly how you feel about what happened. Good luck!
I’m so sorry.
Your family behaved terribly by not acting on what happened to you, and not protecting your cousin.
Some people do wish to maintain some kind of relationship with an abuser. It’s a complicated relationship. You don’t stop loving your brother because he is a predator. Just like you don’t stop loving your son because they are a mass murderer.
So I’m not surprised they’ve decided to go say there goodbyes.
It’s up to you, how you feel about it and what you decide to do. If you haven’t spoken to a counsellor about what happened to you, it might be a good time to do that.
A similar thing happened to me when I was about 11 or 12. My moms brother was obviously drinking, but not being around people who drink at my age, I didn't know what a drunk person would do. He kissed me on the cheek, asked me to lay down with him, which I did. He put his arm around me and asked me to give him a kiss, which I didn't. I actually came up with a lie and told him my mom needed me at home. I got up, went out the door, down the steps to where my bicycle was, and just as I was about to leave his driveway, he called my name and when I looked back, he had his penis out through his pants and what he said next, just stuck with me until I turned about 16 (I'm now 38)...he said "now don't you tell nobody", and as soon as he said that, it's like something triggered in my brain, and I didn't say a word yo anyone until I was about 16 years old. I woke up one morning, my dad was gone to church, so I called my mom in and told her about it. I don't think she believed me, so she said we will tell my dad when he got home. The next day, my dad asked him about it, and the bastard denied everything! Not picking up for him, but he was quite drunk so maybe that's why he said he denied it.
I still see the a**h*** around town and I swear I cannot be around him. Even if I see him at a store, I have to keep my distance until he leaves. I never really hated anyone in my life, but I HATE HIM! He left that memory in my mind and is so fresh today and it was when it happened. But if you ask me, if he dies, I would not go to the funeral. It may hurt your family, but sadly there was nothing done at the time you went through this horrible time. I wouldn't dare share my story a few years ago because I would be too embarrassed and I would cry when I tell someone, but lately, it's seems I'm more stronger now.
I was abused by my uncle on my mums side and my cousin on my dads side.
I chose to forgive my uncle. He abused me from about 6 years old to 12. I told my nan and my mum, nothing was done. From 17 years old, I realised he was useless. I had to drive him to work and pick him up every day. I had to take over his lease because he couldnt pay his rent. I treated him so terribly, then for my own sanity I needed to let it go. He acually is living with my mum now.
She has treated his kids as her grandchildren (they are the same age as my kids)
If we visit his kids come with us wgere ever we go.
I figued I got my own back by how I treated him, he knows
My cousin....I will hate him for ever....I make him feel very uncomfortable around me. Family situations, I refuse to have him near me or my kids.
I probably only see him maybe once a year.
They are correct....you cannot make others sway opinions.
My mum will never stop helping my uncle. She treats him like another child. That is broken...
You don't have to hate them. But you can choose to have nothing to do with them either.
For me I would forgive a death bed visit if it was just that, but seeing as they enabled him given that he went on to assault your cousin, I would not forgive that.
Is it an option for you to visit him on his death bed also, and give him a hard sack punch before he dies?
I don't have any answers about what to do. But I think how you feel about it is understandable.
This was my thought as well or ask how he is enjoying struggling to breath. As I did when he was terrorizing me as a kid not only with the assault but the calls after.
Wow I would be so hurt and angry too. Why would they want to visit him.? Wow!! Obviously they brushed it off as if it didn’t happen. I think you need to go and have it out with them before they see him!! that’s awful for you.
People disgust me. They would rather cover up a sexual abuser over helping the victim. I still have a relationship with my family( I decided to for sake of seeing my baby sister) but if it happens to my daughters( why my teens still haven't t stayed at grandma's/her hubby) I would not allow it to be covered up.
This is why I am 100% against forced relationships with grandparents. There are so many shitty families who will allow sexual abusers back into the lives of the abused.
You can't control who they see but if you feel you can't be around them that is your choice. There is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from them at all.
I can't advise what you should do but know, I get it. I was sexually abused by 2 family members and nothing was ever done. It wasn't even fkn acknowledged. I finally had a mental breakdown at age 30 and cut everyone out of my life that knew and did nothing. Not even a hug and a "one day you'll be ok". I found out after it was a case of typical behaviour in my family therefore none of the women ever did anything right back to god knows when. The guilt from cutting people you were close to is hard, be prepared for that. Especially after they pass. I also estranged myself from people who now know and continue to throw it in my face, eg siblings who claim to give a shit but still mention said people to me. You are the one to protect your sanity and do what's needed to achieve that.
I had the very same experience, except it wasn't cousins, it was my sister. Nothing was done for years, until he rang us out of the blue about 25 years later, and told us he was going to court and that we may be called as witnesses as he was being accused of sexual assault by someone else (not a family member). He tried to convince us to lie and tell the court he didn't do anything. My mum and my 5 other uncles and aunties backed us and cut him from their life. Asshole got everything he deserved. Died in jail from alcohol withdrawal symptoms not long after being sentenced...... Not one of his remaining 6 siblings attended his funeral.....
I'm sorry your family is not as supportive a mine was. Something should have been done to protect you. However in saying that, don't hold a grudge if your family wants to say goodbye, as it will only bring back a whole lot of hurt to you. Once he's gone, don't talk about him again.
Good luck. x