I feel like I've lost my 13year old son. His father and I share custody. His dad and I split 8 years ago. I have my son and his brother every 2nd and 3rd weekend plus all school holidays. I'm trying to push consent orders so I get to see the boys more
Anyway. The last couple of months I've felt like Mr 13 can't stand to be around me. He won't talk to me and is starting to really disrespect me. My husband has pulled him up on it a few times nothing changes. Hubby has been in my son's life for 8 years met not long after ex and I split. If I tell my son he's staying an extra night with me he will message his dad to pick him up. It happened this weekend just gone so I lost it at my son. I rang him a couple of hours later to apologise and his response was I should of asked him what he wanted to do. His dad let's him decide everything ex parenting is loose where as I'm the stricter one.
I'm starting to think my son dislikes me because I decide things for him, I also have a 6yr old and 2 yr old, I have rules. Do I just tell my son I feel like he's slipping away? I don't feel like we have that close bond anymore. I want my happy smiling boy back. I want him to enjoy being a kid. At the moment it feels like he prefers to just be at his dad's instead of with us.
How do I get my son back?
How do I get my son back?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Teenagers, Tips and Advice
9 Replies
There are so many factors at play here!
Does dad have more children? And/or a new partner?
At 13 it maybe fair that he decide whether to spend an extra night.
Do you live close by?Is his social life accessible while he stays at your place?
Did he cope with the custody agreement initially? Did he feel abandoned and disengaged when you had more children? Did he get counseling to navigate the changed to his family dynamic?
Dad doesn't have a partner or other children.
He live 25mins away
Everything has been smooth sailing until recently.
No counseling although I have been thinking about it.
I would say go to counselling it may be that your little man feels a little on the outer with you and your family. And that may not be rational on his part and you may not be doing anything to cause that. But your other little ones have likely needed you more and he just feels resentful.
He has dads full attention. He also prob has mates he’d prefer to be out playing with. I was like that at his age when having to go on visitation with my dad. I didn’t love him any less but I felt I was missing out on what was happening within my social circle at home.
Good luck mumma
Thank you. Counseling could also address his lack of social life. I keep telling him do things with mates and he says he likes to spend his weekend at home relaxing.
Maybe Dads house is less stressful. You have younger kids and teenagers don't have much patience. Also let him have some control over decisions that affect him, that's not being loose it's letting him grow up.
When I was 12 I got to decide which parent I lived with and I decided when I saw the other parent. Before that I was always forced and never ended well. No one pushed or forced after from age 12. There were rules and boundaries at both homes. But I am forever grateful and thankful that my parents let me decide. I have an amazing relationship with both parents now into my adult years, I'm now a mum to three kids myself. At times during teen years I did spent less time with one parent, but it was never made a big deal of, when I was ready I saw said parent.
13 is a rough age, as much as you want to spend time with your son, letting him decide a night here or there might benefit. Let him know what he wants (within reason) matters and that you're listening.
Good luck, hang in there.
I'm sure my teen years weren't easy on the parent I spent less time with, but as I said, I have an amazing relationship with both parents now.
You’re treating him like the little kids and he isn’t one of them.
I remember your last post about social media and what they eat, I think because you have a 2 and 6 year old full time and the other boys part time, you’re not seeing where they are at developmentally.
I think because dad has them all the time, he knows where they are at, not loose parenting, but appropriate parenting. Imagine at one home he is treated like a 13 year old and at the other like a 6 year old, no wonder he doesn’t enjoy his time there. Loosen the reins a bit and don’t put your emotional baggage on him I.e. You feel like you’re losing him. Kids respect parents that respect them. I have an eleven year old, he gets to decide a lot about his little
life, it gives them power, I also speak to him like an adult and he likes that.
Respect is a two way street, especially with teens.
Update.
My husband and I sat down with Mr 13 and his brother (12). All of us got things off our chests. My boy perked up pretty much straight after our chat. Turns out what I was worried about wasn't what he was worried about. We've all agreed to work better with communication as a family and do more activities together. Mr 13 expressed an interest in athletics and was to join a club to start a journey to becoming professional. This week's task talk to his dad about signing him up