Ok everyone. I don’t know how to actually put this in words so please bear with me.
I have a house hold with myself and partner plus a 2(f) & 14(m) yr old. About a month or so ago we had to become full time career for my father as he is battling cancer. After 8 months already told he is in remission. That’s not the problem.
What is the issue is that my father goes off at everything to the point my 2 yr old is a little scared of him. The 14 yr old doesn’t want to live here and told me he was going to do something bad (won’t say what). He did the right thing and walked away in a mess. This all was because of his grandfather calling him stupid, idiot and plenty of other profanities. The 14 yr old has gone to his dads till it calms down. He has issues at school plus is ADHD, ODD and CD. As you can imagine I have a lot to deal with as it is with the 14yr old.
My father has the I don’t care attitude. He will also wake up tomorrow as if nothing has happened. He doesn’t realise what has happened and the damage that has been done.
I am torn as what to do. The 14yr old lives with me as it’s better for him but in the same boat we have to be career for my father. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Please no nasty comments.
8 Replies
What a heartbreaking situation. You need to put your kids first, be their advocate 100% as they can’t be that for themselves. Have a look at different care options such as a nursing home with specialised care.
In this scenario I think given your Dad's in remission you need to consider other care options for him. I know it is hard but if he cannot be an adult and recognise that he is being inappropriate and that his grandchildren don't want to be around him then he needs to live somewhere else. I'm glad that your son has the option to live with his Dad but if in the long term it is to his detriment then you need to make the hard decision to change the circumstances. I also worry that your daughter is scared of your Dad - respect for your elders is one thing fear is another and it isn't good to be afraid in your own home! Good luck!
I think your father needs to be reminded that being able to stay with you and have you assist him with his life is a privilege, not a god given right. It's a privilege in which many other people in similar situations are not so fortunate to have, so he needs to realize how lucky he is.
That means he does not have the right to be verbally abusive to the children that also call your place home.
He does not have the right to frighten, belittle or just make everyone downright uncomfortable.
Health issues or not, he is still a guest in your home and he needs to behave accordingly.
You may just need to tell him straight that if he can't start treating everyone respectfully, he'll need to arrange alternative care and living arrangements!
I think you need to change your thinking.
You need to be your sons Carer and parent first!
You don’t say how old your dad is, but there are other options and services that can step in for your dad. He and you have just chosen not to use them at this time. You can also care for your dad without him living with you.
You need to remind your dad that he is a Guest in your home and if he doesn’t modify his behaviour he will be asked to leave.
Children first and happy, calm loving household is imperative.
Your child comes first in this. Yes it's terrible not to be able to care for your dad. But he isn't going to be around forever. Your son will be, unless you damage your relationship with him by allowing this to happen.
I would help Dad get into a unit or something and just visit him to help instead of living with him. His grumpiness may not ever get better, it's not fair on your kids to live with someone like that no matter what the circumstance is. Everyone gets their own space and you still get to help your Dad, win win.
Tell your dad to go to his room and that he can’t come out until he’s decided he can be less mean. Honestly ground him. Feed him in his room, only let him out to use the bathroom. Old people are grumpy but to be scaring a two year old for doing normal 2 year old things that’s crazy and uncalled for. I get it he’s unwell but he’s now also in remission which means he can become independent again. I’d be so upset if my child decided to go and live with his dad becasue his grandfather is an arsehole to him and sounds like his attitude is as bad as a teens.