I need some tips to re-ignite my “like” for my beautiful step-daughter. She is 11 and I have been her step-mama for most of her life. We have always been very close and are like two peas in a pod.
She’s sensitive and arty and musical, and loves to draw and create and daydream and from a tiny girl she has been very kind hearted.
Her mother (my husband’s ex) is, to be blunt, a toxic person. She is a great mother, but all of her friendships/family relationships are terrible. She is two-faced & judgmental, she lies quite often to make herself look better, & everything is about status and money and she is massively insecure and will find a way to always one-up anyone she is talking to. Our two families co-parent well but only because we just ignore all her horrible sideswipes and just give her her own way if it’s not a hill to die on. Even her own family all shrug their shoulders and say that’s just how she is. For example she locked me out of her 3 year olds birthday party when I was first dating my husband, and then when people realised she just played it off as an accident.
Our beautiful girl has never been like this, (she’s much more like her Dad) but lately she is showing so many characteristics like her mum. I’m finding myself increasingly frustrated and disliking our girl, which I DO NOT want to feel. I love her with my whole heart and it saddens me to see her turning into her Mum. Her Mum has everything money can buy but all her friends are “ex” friends as she is inevitably nasty and burns her bridges. Her mum is also very fearful and won’t go on a plane or try anything new or out of her comfort zone, and our girl is starting to miss out on family holidays with us as we travel a lot, because she is beginning to copy her Mum. (Eg, she refused to turn the tap on in a new shower because it was different to her usual bathroom at home, and then after her shower she just left the water running for almost 20 minutes because she said she didn’t know how to it off. Not that it matters, but it was literally a knob you rotate. It’s things like this that get under my skin. She doesn’t think about any consequences or really anybody else but herself lately). I don’t want this kind of future for our daughter, where she is fussy and fearful and closed off to things out of her comfort zone, but I don’t know how to help her because I don’t want to say anything against her mother, and I feel like lately all I do is tell her to stop and think about her brother/pets/friends/property etc.
My own mum just said all parents struggle to like their kids at times through their teen years, but how do I deal with the nastiness & pettiness & (I guess jadedness) that I’m starting to see in our 11 year old?
(Side note, my husband has quite a short fuse with her and if she gets too fussy he just wants to send her back to her Mum’s house, but I don’t want to start that pattern because a) I don’t want her to feel rejected by us, and b) I think it will be good for her to work on coping with new things).
7 Replies
This is tricky - this could just be miss 11 phase age appropriate regardless of mums influence. Give her the opportunity to succeed try not sweat the small stuff. Don’t take your dislike for her mother out on her though. Your annoyance for these things are magnified due to the fact you bottle up her mums bad behaviour.
Def address leaving the taps on etc but just say hey come and ask and I’ll show you etc. talk thru her fussiness. Tell her about risk management and experiencing life versus missing out on traveling etc
Good luck
Thank you, yes I am trying. What got me about the tap thing was that she didn’t call out to ask for help or even have a go. She just got dressed and went to her room and I only discovered the water still going when I went upstairs to check on her. She is very sensitive to anything that feels like criticism so it’s hard to try and say anything constructive. We will get there, thanks for the advice. I do hope it’s a phase.
Fingers crossed for you! The fact that your reaching out shows how much you care for this little miss. Your doing a great job mumma...
Fussiness, fear of new and refusal to step out of comfort zone and a few other things you said can be caused by anxiety. So can seeming selfish, self cetred, cut off, abrupt, unable to welcome change/new people/ outsiders.
I'm sure there are other things that cause this like personality disorders adhd stress and also it could be personality traits that your daughter has.
I think it's best not to see her as 'turning into her mother' whenever she does something you dislike, but to keep in mind what your mother said- she's growing and changing and you won't like her always.
If she gets too fussy, ask her when she's calm what would help her then ie) a quiet space, a calm down corner, going to her room (google for lots of ideas) we as adults need to be the calm in those times instead of escalating it more, and you'll work through it with her trust.
You're 100% right at the end there, Dad really doesn't want to get in the habit of sending her back to mum when she's difficult. As you said, she'll feel rejected and she's soon to be a teenager, difficult is part of that territory. In the next few years she'll test boundaries and push buttons neither of you knew you had, so you'll both need to strap in for the ride 🤣
And that aside, he doesn't get to check out of parenting when things aren't all going sugar and rainbows.
Secondly. A lot of this is fairly standard pre pubescent stuff. Don't sweat that. She probably is/will begin to emulate mum as she transitions into womanhood. We as mother's often forget we are our daughter's biggest and first role models. Obviously you can't control bio mum's behaviour but this is a great opportunity for you to be a positive influence, to set an example because you're an important woman in her life too.
Thirdly. Some of what you mentioned seems a little more anxiety driven (the shower incident, the not wanting to go out of her comfort zone), which can be pretty common when their hormones are going haywire and they're beginning to become more self aware.
That's going to take patience and understanding.
Lastly, and Im going to directly quote a cheesy line I heard watching Full House with my kiddo last week but its so fricken on point 😂😂
"When kids seem at their most unlovable is when they need love the most". Just remember that when she's testing you lol.
Good luck.
Sounds like she’s been around that level of anxiety for so long she is now emulating it? How are her peer relationships going. Maybe dad could arrange some counselling for anxiety and resilience building.
She absolutely is at a critical point, top of the food chain at school, loads of changes body wise and a stack of new experiences on the way. I would imagine the transition to high school is going to be difficult if her anxiety is high about using a tap.
I think you are doing a great job. Don’t overthink it too much. There are days I just cannot deal with one or other of my children. At the same age my 2nd eldest was Mr Angry. Take heart he’s now in line for high school captain. Puberty is difficult for us. Wine helps
Firstly massive love and hugs to you for caring!! Gosh I wish my kids had a step mum who cared like you and was aware of feelings.
Honestly she’s hit a tricky age, and fro there they only get harder- sorry. So it is hard to pick what may be mums influence, what may be hormones or what could be deeper issues, anxiety etc..
all I can say is hang in there, we all have times of frustration and anger. I hope you get glimpses of the old her you know is still there xx