Please can I get some opinions and advice. My 9yo girl who plays 2 sports and is active in life is fat. She eats more than I do and if I serve smaller plates she just goes and eats crap afterwards. She tells me I’m a bad mum because I am starving her...which I’m not. It’s like she is in denial about being fat...even though we have been to doctors and he has shown her she is in the obese section of graph. Am I damaging her by calling her fat? I tell her I’m worried because it’s not healthy and we often talk about thin also being unhealthy.
29 Replies
Yes you are damaging her by calling her fat. She doesn’t need to know she is fat for her eating patterns to be adjusted.
If you don’t want her to have access to crap food, don’t buy it or put it somewhere where she doesn’t know about it and can’t find it.
It’s hard to eat crap if it doesn’t exist.
You’d be far better off making an appointment with a registered dietitian who specialises in children. At this age they aren’t looking at weight loss usually, they are looking at them growing into there weight. They can advise meals that are more filling but are still healthy.
Yeah, she is going to be pissed that there is no crap available in the house to start off with, but if you stand firm she will get passed it.
If you are telling her calling her fat then yes you are probably making things worse and damaging her self esteem. I have always been called fat by my mother as I was a very chubby/obese child. I was very active but couldn’t keep the weight off. Once I was a teenager it went the complete opposite. I was so sick of her pointing out that I was fat that I stopped eating and dropped 30 kgs from starving myself. I got down to under 30 kgs at 16. It turned out that I had an autoimmune disorder and a low functioning thyroid. The only advice I can give you is don’t keep treat food/junk food in the house. If it’s not there she can’t eat it. Limit what she eats to a reasonable portion size. Don’t call her fat and don’t make it about weight, make it more about health. She probably won’t understand why it’s so important but explain things along the line that eating the wrong foods with wreck her teeth ect. I really hope this hasn’t offended you, I just thought it might help hearing it from someone that has dealt with this as the child
Thankyou I’m the mum that posted this. I feel like my daughter may be similar as I don’t keep junk in the house but she will eat frozen bread raw pasta nuts whatever is in the pantry. I am very healthy myself and we eat good meals...it’s just she eats so much. But I know she has items of other kids lunch as she always brings home her rubbish. I’m trying to change her habit now before she may starve herself but I need to know how to get her to eat less. She just never feels full.
Is she getting enough good carbs? The bread and raw pasta sounds like she's craving them and the nuts, maybe a little more good fats too. I second seeking the advice of a dietician that deals with kids, especially playing sports like she does I get the feeling she may need a personalised version of your healthy meals to suit her needs.
Stop buying junk food, stop calling your 9 year old fat (I'm sure if she was calling YOU names every day, you'd really appreciate that 🙄) and make an appointment with a qualified dietician who can give you some assistance.
I went formal shopping with my mum when I was 17.
I had my heart set on a dress, my mum said I'd need to lose some pudge around my middle of I wanted a dress like that and I'd be better off getting something to make me look skinnier. I was a very healthy size 10 to 12 at the time and I'm relatively tall. That was one of many slights against my weight, that shit ruined my self esteem. Every time you call her fat, you need to realise you're leaving a little scar. Like physical scars, it might fade but its always going to be there as a reminder of what caused the pain.
Secondly, you need to take some accountability. She's 9!
She's not doing the grocery shopping!
She's not doing the cooking!
She eats crap after dinner because YOU let her!
Get some professional help from your GP, a dietician, nutritionist and for the love of all that's holy - stop verbally destroying that child!
You’re creating a completely unhealthy mindset for her and practically setting her up to self loathe.
Using the word fat is horrible, try using bigger than average, heavier than some.. but really is it necessary?
If she is going and eating junk after you serve smaller portion sizes, stop her from having access to it! Don’t buy it or hide it out of her view so there’s no temptations.
See a paediatrician and request full bloods including thyroid and test for worms.. practically get a full body check to see why she’s excessively eating.
Honestly though, these behaviours generally come from learn behaviour so figure out where and why she has learnt to eat in such an unhealthy manner.
Some tips in the meantime - get her to go grocery shopping and meal plan with you. Then encourage her to help you cook healthy meals. Showing her how to lead a healthy lifestyle is so bloody important.
Yes. Don't call her fat.
Does she care? I'm going to guess if not, she will soon as you are her same gender parental role model. Your opinion of her shapes her self esteem.
She sounds healthy to me. Does she need to be skinny.
Don’t listen to these Arsehole’s tell you you’re a bad mother in a nut shell cause you’re not, they’re entitled arseholes who love to tear a mother down when all she needs is help, kindness and understanding.
Don’t call her fat, it’s a pretty heavy word. Try and be kind and gentle when you address this issue with her. Maybe help her out together a menu for the day that she can eat.
Speak for yourself, you too are being just as horrible.
No one has been an "arsehole" so far, they've been honest!!!
I'm beginning to become reluctant to even comment anymore because apparently you can't give some hard truths without being called names. BTW You're the only one that's felt the need to name call, you seeing the irony?
If he was a boy would we say he's a growing lad and feed him up?
She's active and playing, same as I was and man I could eat. Healthy eating is key, if shes hungry it seems to me you could be feeding her up on good things but are worried about her physically eating so much.
Do not call her FAT! As a grown adult that insult hurts imagine as a child.
Have you taken her to a GP? Could there be a medical reason for her appetite?
Is she emotionally ok? Within her peer group etc? In her home life? Is she comfort eating?
Does she get enough sleep?
There are so many reasons she maybe overeating time to play detective mum! Good luck.
Children at this age don’t judge people on their weight. So is likely she is not aware. We train that superficial opinion into them.
Children as young as 5 have been judging/making fun of/teasing my daughter for her weight. It starts very young.
Oh yes they do.!!
When I was 9...and my sister too...we were both chubby! Fat even.
Dad used to really get stuck into us about being too fat! Mum would tell us to stop eating. Yet who kept buying the junk food? Because at 9, I certainly wasn't responsible for the grocery shops.
I'm not blaming you at all and I'm saying this as kindly as possible, I guess it still triggers me a little because it actually set me up for shocking self esteem through my teenage years and later into adulthood.
I went through periods of starving myself. When I was 19/20 I would only allow myself 400 calories per day. When I was a teenager I naturally lost the puppy fat as I grew taller anyway but all I saw was fat. And fat was such a negative word. I thought I was so ugly.
I think what would of helped more than being told I was too fat every time I went to eat at 9, would have been my parents not buying the junk food in the house, not dishing up carb loaded dinners, and taking on a healthier lifestyle like going for walks. Having healthier choices in the fridge too like carrot sticks and celery and cucumber.
Oh, and don't forget to tell her shes beautiful. She still is.
Be mindful that she maybe about to have a growth spurt or to commence puberty.
This!
I feel sorry for your daughter.
You must be an insensitive bitch to call your own daughter fat!!
She's 9 for fucks sake.
She's about to hit puberty soon and have massive growth spurts. She may be filling out, before she shoots up.
Offer only healthy foods that aren't high in carbs/calories if she's still hungry, it's very possible she is starving if you're only offering small plates.
Kids need more calories than we do, as they're growing.
You've said she's active, so what's the big deal??
Get her thyroid tested too, because if she's eating healthy, she's active, then something hormonal is going on to attribute to the weight.
You’re her mother, you’re supposed to be her soft place to fall when outsiders hurt her. The one that always lifts her up and teaches her that the nasty things people say to hurt her in this nasty world say more about them than about her.
I can’t imagine the damage you are doing and will do to her in the future.
Fat and skinny shouldn’t be in your vocabulary, health and healthy choices should be.
Please don't call your beautiful daughter fat... omg.. yes you are damaging this poor little girl! I know you may think you are trying to help her, but this is not the way to do so. She is so young and takes in everything you are saying to her. I am sure you don't want her to end up with eating disorders in years to come. This is from someone who has dealt with both bulimia (at 12) and anorexia. Please positively encourage her. If you don't who in her life will?
Sounds like she has an eating disorder. Everyone knows anorexia and bulimia but no mention of Binge eating disorder.
Get this kid medical/psychological help ASAP
Definitely do not call her fat, please please PLEASE do not make it about her weight. It will stay with her for the rest of her life. I'm in my 30's, and yes I'm very overweight, but that shit stings and eats right in to the core.
I second the suggestion by many people here and see a dietician. In the meantime maybe have carrot sticks, celery sticks, etc ready in the fridge and suggest she have those with a hummus dip for an after dinner snack.
Yes it is likely doing damage calling her fat. It sounds like the real issue is not what sort of food she is eating but the quantity. Maybe consult a doctor or dietician as to how you can help her feel full? Maybe an appetites suppressant shake before meals??
Perhaps google Prader-Willi Syndrome and see if perhaps that could be a reason? Doctor can always test and rule it out as a possible reason.
So my partner called me fat all the time and people would tell me “that’s abuse” or “you could lose 90kgs by dumping him”.. this poor kid can’t dump her mother. She’s stuck with the person that abuses her. Abuse isn’t always physical, and I can tell you now that by the end of my relationship I was left emotionally and mentally drained.
You’re mentally destroying your own daughter! Absolutely disgusting!
Ur a disgrace how can u be like that towards ur daughter she is 9 for god sake. Her only problem is you.
I wouldn’t call her fat, I would get in to see a dietician or psychologist. Try hypnotherapy but don’t call her fat. It also may just be in her build and she will thin out eventually. She may be emotionally over eating. I’d never call my kids fat. Obviously you say it in frustration with her and it bothers you. Don’t buy the junk she is eating. You are allowing it by having it in the home. Cut out sugar and crap. Hide any junk things and maybe just a treat on weekends.