To give a bit of backstory, I married a family friend who my family have known for years. We both came into the relationship with 2 children each, and decided what was mine was his and vice versa & since had 2 together. My MIL always says in front of my older 2 that her 4 biological grandies are her favourites, she excludes the older 2 all the time. I struggle with this because my family don’t do that to husbands 2, as they’re all our children. We have spoken to her about it time and time again, never gets anywhere. Honestly makes me want to cut her off completely. She’s so nasty and petty, and I’m sick of the drama, and how upset my children get. She’s known them since they were toddlers.. Who does that to children? She smokes weed around the children and is so slack when she babysits them, that I stopped asking her to have them. She buys 4 presents all the time, and asks to have them, never the older 2. Doesn’t even mention them on fb or Christmas cards. She gets drunk and makes trouble when she is. She bad mouths myself & the older 2 to people all the time, even told one of my coworkers what awful children my older 2 are (they’re certainly not perfect, but they’re not awful). I have known her for years, and never had a problem with her until I married her son. I’m not a perfect person, but I have no idea what I’ve done to make her dislike us? Do I keep trying with her, for my husbands sake, or tell him I’m over the BS & steer clear?
15 Replies
What does your husband think? Does he back you and your kids up?
He addresses it every time she makes a comment, refuses her gifts etc.. But it never gets anywhere.
I’m so glad for you that he is sitting on the right side of the family fence. So many “men” pander to their mothers is pathetic. Would he be willing to go over there and have a talk to her. Explain that you and all the children won’t be visiting until she can act like an adult and treat all the children the same. I mean this women has know you older kids pretty much their whole lives and you are his wife, not just a floating girlfriend. My partners sister pulled this shit. She was fine with my older kids until we had a baby together. Then she stopped even acknowledging my kids while in my home, hasn’t had contact with my family for over a year now.
The weed around the kids - not fkn on !! I'd be livid! And the alcohol angriness would bother me too , you bet I'd be pissed off if I were you with that as well , , but let's be fair, your 2 aren't her grandkids and just because you and your partner see all the kids as one ( and so you both should) , she doesn't have to . Maybe she does find that they 'ARE' too much work. That's her right. She doesnt have to acknowledge your blended family like you do. Dont take it that part to heart, it probably bothers you more than the kids themselves.
My kids are from a blended family and the grandmother only has her actual grandkids for visits , not their blended siblings. And I dont expect her to . I just explain to the kids the dynamics . It is what it is . Dont let it piss you off so much . But the weed and alcohol attitude is a concern .
That seems very odd to me. My family are very blended, my parents have step parents and half siblings. My siblings have step children and everyone is just included and treated the same, we’re just family. All children are invited to visits, birthdays celebrated and whatever else
My grandparents are technically my step grandparents but they love (or loved) all us kids the same. Heck... Do aunts and uncles only live neices and nephews of their siblings or those of their spouses too? No difference in my book. Both are related by marriage. Or maybe I should consider my immediate family to be my kids but not my husband? After all... He's only family through marriage lol
I’m going to address things individually here as I have different feelings about all things.
Firstly - smoking weed and becoming different with alcohol around the kids is so inappropriate and good on you for pulling the pin on asking her to look after them. It’s a privilege to look after her grandkids and unless she’s of sound mind no way.
Secondly, not acknowledging your children on cards and what not is so unfair. I can kind of understand not getting your’s presents and stuff (I’m sorry, don’t shoot me!). We’ve had family members over time bring in new partners/kids and it’s hard to bond with the kids. In saying that, we always acknowledge them and get them a little something, but usually allocate $10-20 max on that kid. Whilst I know we need to live in the future should the relationship go south then there’s no relationship between said step kids and us any longer as biologically they’re not our family. So we can be a bit wary of that and getting too close. We would never let the kids know our feelings though!!!
Thirdly, it’s all how your husband manages and handles it, there’s only so much you as a mum can take on and see your kids go through so if you need to, pull the pin!!
Your make you family seem so cold and unwelcoming I can see why the relationships don’t last
I never said that the relationships haven’t lasted.. in fact all of them are still together after 3-5 years. I’m just saying that at any stage they could end and that would mean biologically there’d be no right to the kids
This can be a tricky situation as maybe she feels like your older children have 4 grandparents already to spoil them?
I def don’t agree that they should be excluded.
I would keep her at a distance! It sounds like you spend a lot of time with her which can't be healthy for the kids for a few obvious reasons. One being smoking pot, two she's an angry alcoholic, three she's playing favourites and openly dislikes 2 of your kids! The other kids are going to be made to feel like they're more important and better than the other 2 and the other 2 are going to feel like crap. Put an end to it and cut her out as much as possible. I wouldn't have my kids in the same room with her unless it was a wedding or a funeral.
Some of the responses here re what blended families look like make me sad.
I was the step kid. My dad had several girlfriends before landing on his current wife when I was growing up. All but one of the extended families of those girlfriends treated me like I was an intruder and were very clear about the fact that I wasn't part of their "proper" family.
I cannot begin to explain how much that exclusion hurt my heart as a little girl. I never expected to be showered with gifts, all I wanted was to be accepted and welcomed, not be looked at with contempt and treated like an inconvenience.
One of my "step grandmothers" was so kind though. The first time I met her she told me I could call her 'Nanna Joy' like all the other kids if I wanted to, she welcomed me without question, she made time for me and I could tell she genuinely cared about me. Her husband was also a wonderful man, he'd always tell me my horrendous drawings were brilliant and sit patiently and intently whilst I'd show him my pile of artworks.
☝️☝️ That right there is all step kids want, just kindness. It takes no effort at all just to be kind. So of your MIL can't treat your kids with that kind of basic decency, she doesn't deserve to be part of their life and I would not continue to force them to see her.
Also, the pot smoking. She needs to stop having unsupervised access to all the children STAT. That's unnaceptable and unsafe.
Advice clear the weed bit out and drinking as you will be mum shamed off people who are nasty vindictive arseholes on here. They will tear you apart thinking they know absolutely everything about you and also try and tell you who you are as a person and mother.
Pot. Kettle. Black.
Whether family or not, it’s not hard to be a decent person towards others. She sounds like a horrible hag and would be the kind of person who would look at a homeless person in disgust. It’s got nothing to do with your kids not being biologically her family... she’s just a bitch! My advice, stand up to her, put her in her place. It doesn’t sound like you’ve got much to lose anyway.