Have made a couple of edits for clarity :) ..... Okay sisterhood, I see you’re blunt, honest, supportive, and even a little harsh at times, so I have a question, seeking opinions.
First day of two weeks holidays today, I work long and hard in a stressful job and my partner has a home-based business, also working long and hard. This morning I had an hour sleep in before doing housework and taking the nephews to the movies (which had been planned for weeks - I wasn’t awol or taking off suddenly), and my partner went off for a massage before packing up his market gear for a trip we’re taking tomorrow (1 day business, 4 days visiting family).
The movies had been planned for weeks and I said I’d run to the post office for him this afternoon to post a parcel (I always follow through on any job I say I’d do - he cannot say the same) I left at 10.45 after he’d returned home .... text messages started at 2 (just as the movie was finishing) asking about what business stuff to pack (I did answer but really, he’s a 5 year veteran of markets). Then I get a call to my dad’s mobile (I was at my parents dropping off the nephews) asking why I wasn’t home yet, I said we’d not discussed a time, I’d be there soon and there was plenty of time to get to the post office for him - this afternoon as I’d said. He then told me off, said he’d do it himself and hung up. I noticed my phone had 21 missed calls (yes 21) and two text messages. I knew I was in for it - he’d either be angry or cold. It’s now just after 3pm. I was home by 4, he said he’d already gone to the post office, missed the cutoff (I doubt that). I asked for an apology for the 21 missed calls, the unclear expectations of time, and the nasty call to my dad’s phone and the hang up. He dismissed me and said “whatever, I’m busy” and walked off. This is a typical response. It infuriates me - particularly when I know he can communicate much better than that (to other people). I was so disappointed I told him that if he says “whatever” to me one more time then we are through. Just the night before he made me dinner, we watched a favorite show together. This behaviour swing is regular and draining, he has expectations in his head and then gets upset with me when I don’t meet them. On top of that I’ve had huge stresses at work and he knows it, so I’m feeling pretty vulnerable as it is. Hence the request for objective opinions. This has been the pattern for years.
Any ideas what’s happening here?
Who’s unreasonable here?
Who’s unreasonable here?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Behaviour
25 Replies
Hi IM,
I think there’s reasons to say you can both be at fault however more him!
I think when it comes to home based jobs, we have to sometimes put ourselves aside and assist to help with the running of it and being successful. Sometimes it means sacrifices at our expense. You’ve chosen to go along for the trip and I guess have committed yourself to helping out.
In saying that, of course you deserve time for yourself and don’t need to answer to him on every demand! Maybe just a heads up as to how long you would be gone though as I would probably be worrying and getting frustrated too if my partner was gone for a huge amount of hours and id been relying or of the expectation that they’d be assisting me with something that needed doing.
I think the lack of communication and him not taking you seriously is a massive driving force between you both currently so maybe working on ways to communicate better could assist for future.
Thank you, you make good sense.
I absolutely detest the word "whatever" used in that context. It's flippant, dismissive, completely condescending and just the epitome of conversational disrespect. It also shows a lack of emotional maturity and conflict resolution skills. So there in lies the communication problem.
However, that's kind of obsolete because there's a sentence here that alarmed me in all this:
"I knew I was in for it".
When it was HIS behaviour that was out of line. Thats not a phrase that one would typically be used in a healthy relationship, particularly when your only wrong doing was taking your nephew's to the movies and specifying a return time.
Truthfully, this whole dynamic has a bit of a gaslighting-ish feel about it.
He behaves unreasonably. He gets the shits with you like you're at fault (let me reiterate - you're not) and then does a 180 and is suddenly Mr lovely again. I'm surprised it doesn't give you whiplash!! I'm not surprised that you're feeling emotionally drained though, that behaviour is exhausting and it wears you down in every sense!
In my honest opinion, seeing as you said this is a regular pattern of behaviour and not a once off travel related stress, I'd really take some time to reevaluate your relationship.
Unless he acknowledged he had some communication difficulties and agreed to seek some professional help to address such scenarios more constructively and respectfully - I'd be out. I have such little patience for people who play these silly games!
Thanks for your post - the whiplash bit made me laugh .... it’s true! I’m often left thinking “whatthe?” And I often say it’s like he goes from one extreme area to the other - a steady medium would be nice. Mind you I have insecurity issues and more and more think I must be a faulty human. I believe I need some counseling. I’ve always had a good professional job and often wonder how I manage it ..... faulty romantic relationships, sensible and supportive in work, friends, and extended family - weird 😬 but I worry that the faulty private side will start spilling over .....
So you're both going away tomorrow and you decide to go to the movies and be out of contact for the whole business day and push/miss deadlines. I get why he's angry.
If it's been like this for years, then you need to both take action to stop it happening - like don't mix work and dont do his work jobs unless you're doing them instantly, probably best just not to do them at all. Make sure he knows you're not just being an ass, it's to help your relationship. He could also help it by communicating expectations clearly, and not saying whatever. (I am guessing he was really frustrated, but he could have something else ready instead, like 'let's talk about this at home later')
Thanks for the feedback. All good points. I can add that the movie was planned for weeks ahead, he knew when and what time, and I always follow through on any job I commit to. But I do agree that I could have asked him specifically when he needed the parcel posted - not just “this afternoon” - that leaves things open to assumptions - I assume by COB and he assumes something else - which is where the problem arises. I also think he has a responsibility to be clear. I get that he was probably frustrated.
If there was plans for you to do things in preparation then isn't it on you to communicate when you'll get it done? Getting home at 4 when you're meant to be doing things is a bit ridiculous. I've got to say it seems a bit self absorbed and that I see where he's coming from. So perhaps, having read responses from others, you're both in the wrong and both need to plan and communicate with each other more effectively?
Thanks for your comment, it’s definitely a good point.
I didn’t really fully understand the post, so apologies if I’m off base.
You said you would post a letter but you didn’t?
For me, I would much prefer someone say I’m too busy, I can’t, than say they will then I end up doing it, especially when I’m busy and probably have my day planned preparing for the trip.
Sounds like there was a lot to be done and you went AWOL when he needed you.
He was probably raging at home, seething, then made the phone calls. Pretty immature but I think most of us have been there.
The whatever isn’t particularly helpful in working things out, he needs to communicate better but I think you could be more mindful of busy situations and when you may be required at home or to do tasks with a deadline because you’re going away.
Did you apologise for not posting the letter as you said?
I hope you guys can work it out.
Thanks for the comment and perspective - have updated my post so it’s a bit clearer 😁. I always do any job I promise, he has acknowledged that, and I definitely wasn’t awol - those few hours out were planned and he knew it - even the movie times. I had agreed to post a parcel - I would have done it in the morning but it wasn’t ready - I agreed on that afternoon but note that “this afternoon” could have been much clearer - by either of us. I assume by “afternoon” as by COB and he assumes something else it seems. In the end I didn’t get the chance to do it as just after 3 he’d called upset and told me he was doing it himself. I went home anyway as I’m aware from past experience that he may not have done it himself and I was still planning to do it if needed. You’re right, he was probably seething, and yes most of us have been there :)
21 calls when your at the movies... umm 😐 sweetheart if you don’t have children with this man run! It’s time! Don’t walk!
Haha yes - maybe I’m a bit desensitized to it!
I spent my early 20s with a guy who would do this to me if I ever hung out with friends without him etc. once your in it you do play it down and get used to it. People like this can try to change but... if it is cyclic.. ask yourself is this your happily ever after? We only get one life! Is this how you want to spend yours?
The moodiness, 21 missed calls and general behavior suggests that he is behaving abusively. This behavior is a form of control, basically he is trying to coerce you into doing what he wants. It's good that you called him out on his behaviour, however I'd suggest he requires some help to understand the impact on you. A men's counselling service could help him address his issues.
I agree. I think I need counseling also - I’m feeling like a faulty human and I was insecure to begin with. He has been to counseling in the past and it made a big difference but the issues are raising their head again it seems. He goes well for a few months then BAM.
21 missed calls would scare the shit out of me! Stinks of control
Yes I think I’m a little desensitized - he has been way more full on in the past.. this is an improvement ... he told me the 21 calls were made because he was busy so just kept hitting redial ...... I think I’m reaching out because I’m feeling more and more like a faulty human and need some perspective. Counseling may be in order I think 😬
Does he realise that his “busy” excuse makes no sense? Do you realise? He was so busy yet he had time to incessantly call and text you. You need to assert to him that calling you 21 times while your at a planned activity is completely inappropriate and borderline psychotic!
He needs to take responsibility for his business.. yes you may help out from time to time but it shouldn’t be an expected burden unless he plans to pay you!
I agree mostly with all the above comments. But I just wanted to add in, while it was right that he should have had to apologise for all the phone calls and the shitty behaviour. Did you at all apologise for not answering them?
I just feel like if I were in your situation, I'd have still text my partner if my phone was going off that much. And said something like "I'm sorry the movie is still going. What's up? I've still got time to go to the post office, don't stress about that. I've got it"
His behavior might not have been so horrid if he felt like you were sympathizing with his stresses.
That’s true and I would have done just that normally - I responded to the text message earlier from inside the movie but the missed calls happened when I was dropping off my nephews, I was inside mum and dad’s house and my phone was in the car - he called my dad’s mobile then and that’s the first I knew there was an issue - things went downhill from there, so yes I did neglect to apologise when I had a go at him later. I did reply that I was on my way as soon as I found the missed calls. He said not to bother but I went home anyway.
The fact that you don't know what's reasonable, but also on one level seem pretty sure he is, and that you identify with gaslighting and are confused is enough to know you need a psychologist to help you figure it out and know what to do with what's happening, whether it's fixable or you just need to step out of it to regain clarity.
21 calls is ridiculous! Plus ringing your Dads phone. I would want an apology, that's for sure! He sounds controlling or maybe insecure??
1. At the movies you cannot answer your phone and risk being kicked out just for texting. At our cinemas they will kick you out for having feet on the chairs- I can’t beleive you texted back when you were trying to watch a movie
2. 21 phone calls is ridiculous, he sounds controlling he needs to apologise for his behaviour it was innapropriate. I don’t beleive the im busy excuse at all, this is something my ex used to do. He was controlling and abuoseve and god help me if I didn’t answer his phone calls the abuse I would cop for having breakfast with my mum.
3. Do you have kids with this dude?? If not seek counselling and if he can’t improve do not have them with him, it will only get worse once kids are involved
4 I don’t beleive you should have to apologise, you did nothing wrong, he knew you were at the movies, he knew roughly what time you’d be back and if he could take the parcel to the post office himself anyway why the big fuss that he made?? Another red flag. He could have simply texted you “took the parcel to the post office myself, no need for you to do it, see you when you get home” not get angry becasue you weren’t at his beck and call.
This might be off base, but does he have a dependency issue (drugs, alcohol, smokes, coffee). It sounds like he Needs control and when one this is off he panics and freaks out. I had someone in my life who could be hot and cold with moods and when they sorted out there addiction we found stable consistent and way less swings from great to horrid. Good luck being used to someone and this behaviour doesn’t make it okay. Time for some tough talk
Technically I guess he’d be classed an alcoholic. He was very bad with rum for years and I had to leave him for a few months because of his abusive behaviour especially while drinking. He had a choice to make - rum or me. To his absolute credit he went to a couple of AA meetings, saw our GP and got counseling, and has not had much rum since. He switched to other alcohol but doesn’t drink as much but does drink every day. Sometimes I’m concerned that living immersed in behaviour that’s not okay desentitises someone to that behaviour and then it becomes normal, and then “okay”.