I am in a relationship with someone who is a meth addict... leaves for days on end literally gets up and disappears without contact and then will pop up out of no where and promise a change. He will be ok for about a week and then just up and leave. The problem is I can’t let go I know I should leave 1 he uses drugs 2 he is inconsistent 3 he would be with other women.
The thing is I can’t seem to leave him or kick him to the curb it’s like I know it’s the right thing to do and I know it will be best for me and my two children but I do love him how I don’t know for all he has put me through... he promises he will change he says he will try and that he wants to be a family and he loves me more than life itself but actions speak otherwise. Am I sick? I feel as though I’m losing it. His actions prove what it is but it’s like I’m hoping it will change this has been going on for years and it goes from moderate to real intense... when he is home things are great he cooks helps around the house we go do things as a family he lays down with me tells me how much he loves me then I come home he is gone he has no phone so he is unreachable and if I do track down a number I can catch him on he says his coming home but then might not show up for days he keeps the conversations short and sweet or just hangs up half way...
I feel very anxious wondering where he is it’s almost like I obsess over him and try to find him. Lately I have been feeling heart palpitations and shortness of breathe it’s like I’m in another world really hard to explain. In my heart I just want my family together I hate when my kids ask for their dad I hate seeing them sad they love him so much but what do I do I’m so confused and just crying and then numb and just I don’t know
23 Replies
You need to get counselling. Making the break is the hardest bit, but once you are apart and start to get some distance your mind starts to become clearer, and you start to really let him go. Then you wonder why you stayed so long?
All breaks up hurt. So you need to face that, but breaking up hurts less than this roller coaster. At the moment you are addicted to the highs and lows. Anxiety, anxiety, honeymoon period. Anxiety, anxiety, honeymoon period.
I know, I felt the same. I was addicted to the roller coaster and when I left I literally missed that roller coaster until I broke my addiction.
Please see your GP this week for referrals.
Would you leave if he was seeing someone else? Because thats what it sounds like. His bit on the side is probably a crack head too. You need to end it before you end up another statistic, if he's not violent with you yet then its only a matter of time. Get the locks changed and stay with family for a few weeks so you're not home when he realises its over. He is ruining his life, don't let him drag you down with him.
I know I should leave is what I’m saying I know he uses I’m not dumb I know he cheats and all the rest. In an ideal world yes I would love all the answer where he stays if he eats does he sleep is he with someone else has he moved on and just using my place as a safe zone... but the thing is I know he lies and as much as I don’t believe what he says I have a faith that things can be ok and I love him so much and want my future to be great with him but it’s not. I’m not asking if he is with someone or if he was that wouldn’t make me leave. I’m asking how do I stop the cycle how don’t I let him in how can I be strong why don’t I act the way I think.
If you think this is about him being with someone else it’s not because fact is in my heart I know being in the drug world I would be naive to think he is faithful.
Sorry, I was trying to be blunt for your benefit! Sometimes just hearing what is most likely happening stops all the little doubts and what ifs and you start getting angry enough to want this to stop. I stayed with my ex for 13 years knowing I had to leave but decided to wait for things to get better. It doesn't. I felt so stuck and like you just couldn't leave, even though he was FIFO most of our relationship and I had so many chances. I get frustrated with myself thinking about the time wasted and the damage its done to my kids to grow up in that environment. Please find a spark within you, get angry, get spirited then hopefully you get the strength to leave.
Have you posted this before ? Seems he's since returned but nothings changed .
Ive been you. Took me 15 yrs to finally walk away . 2 years on i havent looked back . I still see him around sometimes . I think he's clean these days but i don't give a toss . Too little too late . Lives back at home with mummy and daddy . I laugh at how pathetic he really is . 40 yrs old and lives back at home . But i am free . He's no longer my problem anymore .
You arent at this stage yet of really knowing you've had enough . It can take years . But you too will find your strength and leave when it arrives . And it will come when there is no longer any emotion left . And when emotion leaves you , it will be gradual until one day you realise the feelings are gone during yet another drug disapearring act , during another lie, theft from u or comedown , and you actually won't even care . That's when you know it's ran it's course and it's over .
Then you'll be free without any care for him ever again . Just like me . Meth won and took away all my loyalty , love and emotion for my partner . And it feels fucking amazing now that i am free !
This will be you one day too. But beware , it can take years . But the day will come . Mark these words xx
You can leave him or kick him out. Go to a psych or a womens centre and get help to do it. You need to change yourself as you know what you're doing is not healthy.
Google codependency, that’s what you are, a codependent.
Hope it helps, sending you light and love xxxx
You can’t help him. But you can help your children. LEAVE! Go seek professional help and leave him. Never look back.
He won’t change until he needs and wants to. No amount of your hope will do that for him!
Look into getting him help! Have all the information ready, don't leave it to him to do. Next time he comes home give him the ultimatum - get help or you leave. Addictions are extremely hard to break, if you can support him it will be hugely beneficial.
If he has no interest, or is in denial that he has an addiction then yes I'm going to say what everyone else is saying... leave. Those kids and yourself deserve stability.
The ultimatum should be leave and you can only come back when you've sought help and are earning your place in this family.
You have children - if you won’t do it for yourself you absolutely must do it for your children!!!!
You think about your children and what your allowing him to do to yourself and them. You need to leave ASAP!!
You think about your children and what your allowing him to do to yourself and them. You need to leave ASAP!!
Addicts only get better when they hit rock bottom, if you want to help HIM, you have to leave.
Whilst you are enabling him, he will keep going.
He may even have an overdose etc.
The longer he is on it, the harder to get off.
The first step in helping him is leaving him, he currently has no reason to change.
When you leave, things will get worst for him for a while, but hopefully he reaches the point where he realises and gets help.
If you really love him, leave for him, think of it as the first step in his recovery.
You know what’s going on now isn’t helping, you’ve tried one way, time to bring out the big guns, do it for him.
Contrary to what people say addicts don’t have a rock bottom. They simply reach a point where they decide they are serious about getting clean or not. I speak from my own personal experience as my partner hid his addiction to meth and lied when I questioned him about it. He’s finally come clean after 12 months and now in active recovery.
If he’s coming home and helping around the place, then at these times he’s likely still using and really not interesting in changing all that much. He’s just telling you what you want to hear.
I’m going to take a guess that when he disappears he has money, and when he comes home it’s usually because he’s coming down and cashless and needs a safe place to stay. Now if he’s not an a$$hole and sleeping the whole time (lasting about 2-3 days) then he’s still got gear on him and is using it. That’s not what you want around around your kids. I know you know this in your heart.
I get that it’s super hard to make the break I really do! I found what worked best for me was getting involved with ‘Lives lived well’, I’m QLD but see if you have a program like that or called that in your area and get some support for you and the kids. At no point was I told to leave my partner, they just supported me and my children in keeping us safe both while active using (and lying about it) and when my partner was coming down. (By safe my partner was just an ass, bad mood, picking fights with me) but that’s not always the case at times when they come down (and use) they can be violent and abusive. NOT what you want around your kids. Had my partner ever been unsafe around myself or my children he’d have been out on his ass and in the cold!!
A family drug support hotline (google you’ll find the number) will be beneficial for you as well. They’ll help you to find a way to implement boundaries so that when he leaves you can be strong enough to say enough is enough. I changed all the locks on my house when my partner walked out on us prior to admitting he had an addiction. And they were very helpful in making suggestions on keeping strong and making the right choices for myself and my kids.
Please remember there is NOTHING you can do to change him. Nothing you’ve done caused this, and you’re priority is keeping YOU and your children safe. If he’s big enough to get Meth he’s big enough to keep himself safe. Again, I know how hard this is, the mind runs wild when you love an addict, but remind yourself of this like a mantra.
When my partner left I dreamt and though all worst case scenarios time and time and time again. But you reach your own breaking point and realise you’re worth so much more than this life. Love can hurt, but it should never destroy you. And it sounds like you’re being destroyed.
Please find the strength to get support for you. Even if that means ways to cope in a healthy manner when he leaves you for days on end and not actually leaving him right now. You still need to be able to function for your children.
There are also support groups on Facebook for loving an Meth addict. Look for them, join, ask advice, listen to what they have to say. Slowly you really will find the strength to do what you know you need to do.
Good luck honey, loving an addict is hard but learn to love you and put you first because you can’t help him, you can only help yourself
When he comes home he sleeps for 2-3 days and then things are good he helps around the house is good with the kids we go places as a family he doesn’t use at or near home... he isn’t physically violent.
He just up and leave while he is out doesn’t answer the phone and if he does will just hang up mid way conversation. He doesn’t contact or anything... and he can leave for anywhere from 2 days to 3 weeks...
So that’s why I just don’t understand it
2-3 days sleep normal comedown. It’s good he’s not physically violent. Still it if was like my partner some of the things said during a comedown hurt really badly. I still struggle with some things my partner has said to me during these times.
When he leaves for the 2 days to 3 weeks, he’s not thinking about anyone but himself. He’s thinking about the next hit. By my addicts own account it could also come with shame and guilt (Shame of wanting the hit, guilt for hurting the people he loves). Even he still can’t articulate to me why the hurt and pain he caused us when he left (and he left when our child was a few weeks old to get high for over a week - no contact at all, ignored all calls, Facebook messages etc) wasn’t enough to stop the addiction. When he come clean and told me the truth he said while he knew he could lose us and our love by leaving and using, he felt that there was less risk of losing us all together by lying and hiding his addiction 🤷🏻♀️ He understands now this isn’t rational thinking. But some of that sits with me, I allowed his behaviour to continue. I allows him back after I knew he used, after being abused when he’d come down. Once I set firm boundaries and stuck to them, it reached a point where he had to address his drug use or risked everything.
There is so much about addiction I still don’t understand and I think there is so much about addiction even he doesn’t understand. Sadly though again it comes down to him wanting to change and me being accountable for only what I have control over and that’s keeping me and my children safe from potential harm.
You guys can get through it together but he needs to be the one to change. You can’t force that. Contact some of the support groups mentioned in my last comment and you’ll gain a better perspective, maybe not understanding, but at the very least you’ll gain something.
Because he probably has someone else somewhere else. You only get treated by what you allow. I wouldn’t allow my partner to be away that long at a time. You need to think of you kids and stop thinking of him.! How would you feel if your daughter was Being treated like this. remember your kids are seeing all this and think it’s normal and ok. It’s not.!
Please get some counciling. Your children deserve better and so do you. He won’t change. Put your kids first and stop thinking of him. I know it’s hard but this isn’t healthy for your kids. Do you want them to think this is ok. Do you know what diseases he has.? Do you know what he is getting up to while he’s away for week at a time. Start thinking of you and your kids. They are the most important to you. Get some professional help to lose that attachment to him. Break free of him and cut all ties, it’s the only way to get past it as hard as it will be else he will keep coming back and depending on you. You are supporting his habit.
How would you feel if you caught some disease off of him.??
Think of all these things. You need to detach from him. Keep thinking of the reasons why you should and not why you shouldn’t. He is using you! You deserve better. It does get better, it might not feel like it now but once you get past the first few months, it will get easier as time goes on and you won’t look back. You will come out of this and meet the person who truly deserves you.
if it was me, I’d cut all ties. He knows how to get help. Leave it up to him. You have kids to put your time and energy into. Not someone who is deceiving you and using drugs. I hope you can do it for the sake of you and your kids. It’s an awful drug and he won’t change. They become so professional at lying and scamming.
You do not love him, you love the person he was but that person is no longer there and will not ever be unless HE chooses to get help and get clean.
You are setting a terrible example to your children of what to accept in life and also what behaviours are acceptable.
Yes it will be hard and you want to help but the fact is you can't, the only one who can help him is himself.
You and your children deserve better, see a psychologist and get your head in the right space and make a plan to end this and no take him back.
I have been there and it was the best thing I did, there is nothing wrong with you, only him. Leave him and build the life you deserve.
First of all You need to stop making excuses. Drugs change the brain and he will never be the same person you once knew and you need to accept that. Drugs make him unpredictable and he may not be violent YET it may happen eventually. Stop thinking of him and get out and create a peaceful safe environment for you kids. You have allowed this and it’s time to put a stop to it for the sake of your kids and yourself. Look after you 3. If he wants help, he will find it after you’ve left. If he doesn’t he won’t. if looking into your babies eyes and seeing them go through this pain isn’t enough then nothing will get you away from it. DO THIS FOR YOUR KIDS, THEY DONT HAVE A CHOICE IN THIS! He is a grown man, let him go.!
You have to leave, you need to do it for you and your kids, you are worth more than that. To him the drug will always be more important to him, that is just the honest truth. One day he will hit rock bottom, and at that time when he asks for help you can make the decision if you will or not, until then you haven’t got a hope. I went through what you are going through, I finally made the decision to leave and my husband hit his rock bottom realising that he would lose all of us. Rehab and constant NA meetings every single day and he is a new man, 4 years clean and someone others look up to. It would never have happened if he didn’t want to though. Good luck, but please put those babies first, right now they deserve all of you, not him xoxo
Be a mother and put your kids first!!! Right now they are 3rd on the list, his needs and yours are comong before them. Not only that he is a drug user cheating with other drug users what happens when you end up with HIV or similar?
It might be harsh but you need a reality check.
Kids cope without fathers everyday, not saying they wont see him but they will cope you not being together. Your staying because YOU need him. Your teaching your kids his behaviour is okay, your teaching your kids you deserve to be treated like shit by someone you "love"
Teach them better, leave. Put them first and Leave!