My brother in law is seeking custody of his daughter. Things have gotten nasty with his ex. I have no relationship with her. They have been separated for many years. During the process his daughters (one is over 18) have both reached out to me to visit and attend things. He feels I am stabbing him in the back and “taking their mums side”.
I only want to be there to support my nieces but feel that this is destroying the relationship my own children should have with their uncle.
I would never turn my back on my nieces but I also don’t want to make things difficult for any other family members.
Can I please hear some thoughts?
Edit: he still sees his youngest daughter (parenting plan is in place)
He has been invited to the same things I have, but has declined (graduation, Birthday,)
11 Replies
Alienation is such a cruel blow. If he is being cut from his kids lives but they are still letting you in then he may see that as a kick in the guts, and his ex may know thats how he would feel so maybe thats why the kids are encouraging you to visit them. Maybe you need to start including your brother when they ask you to visit or do something, "I would love to attend but your Dad would love it even more than I do and I don't think its right that I get to attend but he doesn't". I have gone through something like this with my ex I was always the last to know things with my son, I never even got to attend his graduation dinner. It cuts deep.
Totally agree! It looks like everyone is ganging up on you when the Aunty is seeing them but Dad can't. Especially if Dad is not being told when they catch up...how else is he supposed to feel except 'back stabbed' by his family?
I would try and include him in whatever activities it is that you’re doing with your nieces so he isn’t feeling isolated :)
You set your boundaries. He doesn't run the show. Let him know you support him and will respect his wishes not to pass on info or complicate the relationship, but you will attend events for your nieces.
If he isn't coparenting that may be his choice and if it's not, as said above that does make it hard as you don't know if he's misbehaving or it's toxic and in that case its not your place to force them to allow him to be present. It does make it tricky to navigate....
I’d maintain your relationship with the nieces.
Without knowing the details, you could be the one peace maker and the one person who helps him rebuild a relationship with his daughters, sounds like he is his own worse enemy.
If his over 18 year old daughter is happy to contact you but not her dad, I have to wonder if it’s his own actions that have caused the alienation. He should see it as hopeful and a positive that his kids are maintaining contact with some part of his family.
Of course he would feel hurt, but he kind of needs to suck it up, for his own benefit.
Adult children can be victims of alienation too, grooming starts when they are young and it can take many years for the child to see the situation clearly. Not talking about kids who genuinely decide for themselves which relationships they keep due to dead beat parents ir abuse but genuine cases of alienation.
I don’t disagree, and alienation has been mentioned in other answers, just wanted to add the other perspective.
I’ve been on both sides of this scenario as the auntie.
I chose to keep the relationship with my niece and nephews because, if the alienated parent was doing the right thing I could be the link that maintained a positive relationship, if the other parent wasn’t being alienated but was alienating themselves, then I could still be that link.
At the end of the day, it isn’t about sides, and which parent is doing the right or wrong thing, and it’s not about taking sides. It’s about maintaining a link with the children.
If he is successfully going through process to get his custody sorted, could you wait a litle while ?, and see the kids through your brother instead, then everyone is happy...you can see them on his time and nobody will feel you are taking sides and you still get to see your nieces. He needs support while he is seeking custody and needs you to be there for him, and in the meantime if you can see them at all without the mum involved that would help too especially if one is over 18, means she can catch up with you and the younger one without the mum being involved> so you can't be blamed for 'taking sides'. When you go to see them though I would be letting you brother know so he can see them too, otherwise he feels you are getting something he doesn't (by seeing them) and easy to be paranoid about that & you look like the bad guy
Be there for your nieces. Trust me, they need you. My ex's sister has a better relationship with my daughter and I than she does with her own brother and it's entirely his fault. But my daughter knows and trusts that even if she can't count on dad, her Aunt has her back 110%. And Aunt has in the past been a link between daughter and father and helped when communication between the two hasn't been the best. If your nieces are reaching out to you, please don't turn them away.
Yep! I have a better relationship with my ex in laws (mil, fil, sil and niece) than my ex and his current wife do. I have maintained these relationships for sake of my boys. I still consider them to be part of my family and they feel the same about me.
If it's turned 'nasty' you can bet your bottom dollar one of the parents is a narcissist. You're job as a protective parent with a duty of care is to work out which parent is narcissistic and keep the kids well away from this parent. It's mostly men who are covertly narcissistic. Get the girls books and educated on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they will be able to tell which parent is the narc. Learn everything you can about this disorder, narc's play the victim, seek sympathy, are abusive behind closed doors, often wear masks in public and seem "nice" "likeable" but are covertly abusive and toxic. They are self serving and like to 'win'