Can someone tell me if it gets easier... My hubby and I are on the rocks maybe it's the kids (toddler & baby) driving a wedge between us? He doesn't help with kids, housework, cooking, cleaning, paying bills (or worry when there isn't enough money to pay them). I didn't fall in love with him for him to do the dishes but it would be nice to have a hand with things every now and again. Life seems hectic. He's busy with work and comes home tired and most often cranky. If the kids are full on he goes outside by himself and leaves me to it when I just really want him to help me. I ask him for help and get told no... It's so upsetting getting 'no' or 'I'm busy' when he's surfing the net or having the time to himself... I don't get time to myself he won't look after the kids. I feel like I've had enough I want my caring husband back! What should I do please no comments of leave him I want it to work out but don't know how?
7 Replies
Omg I feel exactly the same. Except we arnt married we wernt together very long before I got pregnant. He doesn't help sits outside constantly etc like your husband, now we hardly talk or anything. It's made me start thinking about my ex which is terrible but I just feel like I don't want this life I wish it was easier. I have a friend and her husband does everything they seem to have the perfect life- makes me upset.
Good luck I hope he turns it around & u can get the help you need you obviously love him and wanna stay a family. As for me I'm not quit sure- I love my son but I wish I was in a different relationship and I think the lack of help just makes me want out even more. :(
The problem is hubby is totally disconnected from family life! He is either so overwhelmed or totally undervalues how hard your job is. It's time to find out which so you can work on that together. Sit down have a proper discussion about it when the kids are in bed about what you both want your life/ family to look like and expectations are and then compromise.
This is something we are dealing with our marriage. We have had several arguments at which it got to a point where I took my baby to my parents house to have a break (my mum helped me out with them). I was only away for a few days and from the start he knew it was temporary but those few days showed both of us how much we valued each other.
From then he has improved dramatically but we still have the issue whereby I do almost everything around the house and take care of the baby even on weekends and this is going to be tougher as I go back to work soon. We have started counselling so that there is someone independent who can back me up and perhaps communicate to him better what I need him to do.
Also perhaps writing a list of all the chores in the house (including time with kids) and the time it takes. This will show how much time you spend taking care of everything and he might be more willing to help. Also are you able to ask him to do specific things? My husband sometimes doesn't know what to do so if I ask him to take the bin out rather than clean up, he understands better.
Hope everything gets better.
Get couples counselling!! Don't get angry and don't fight with him about it. It's really not worth it. I broke up with my partner the love of my life because our life was exactly like you are describing plus a little bit extra (everyone used to say just end it I did and I regret it) I miss him so much and all I want to do is get back together he says now he needs his space and its breaking my heart. Getting angry doesn't solve anything it doesn't make it easier. Look at putting your kids into daycare one day a week to get you some you time I know it's expensive but you can get a child care rebate depending on how much your partner earns. If you can afford it hire a cleaner someone who comes in does your major items like the floors, bathroom, dusting, maybe even your dishes. I couldn't afford anything like that and if I could I know my life would have been so much easier. Once kids comes along it changes you don't have the energy you used to and a lot of stuff gets put on hold. Make time for each other try and get a date night happening even if its after the kids go to bed. Hire a movie out, put on some sexy underware and take his concentration from the computer. So I guess I am saying don't give up if you love him it's worth it, all of it!
Everyone always sez leave & end it! and when ya do ya regret it and it's too late. This happened to me also.
Know how you feel Hun.
Great advice! :-)
I know exactly how you feel, we are going through similar issues. We have a 18 month old and 3 year old, we used to be very very close, but with both of us working and the kids, there seems no time. We went to counselling a while ago and that did seem to help. It really helps to get everything out and to get perspective on it all and to have that third party have their input into what they see is happening. I think men do need some space when they come home, when I was at home all the time with the kids, I would start straight away with, can you help me with this and that, as I was feeling overwhelmed. I have learnt now just to let him chill for a while and then just be direct and ask whether he would like to help out with the bathing of the kids or to start dinner preparations. Instead of me screamin and getting angry that he doesnt do anything, I find being direct really helps and not being sarcastic either. Just give him some options and if he gets upset, say you dont mind what task he does but it needs to be a team effort. I work part time also and on my days at work, I come home and am straight into chores/bathing, so I expect my hubby to help aswell! When the kids go to bed, turn all computers off and sit and talk on the couch. We have started a rule, no computers after 7pm and we have starting TALKING a lot more, and its good and reminds you of why you married one another and we are slowly gettin that intimacy back that felt like it had gone forever! Wishing you all the best, it really isnt easy especially with young children/babies.
I do almost everything at home however i set tasks for my partner when i was pregnant we have 2 together and a stepson aged 5yrs-2yrs and 10months my partner will occasionally cook when im working if its easy like sausages or pies but leaves the dishes for me or he usually will wash the bottles for me and do baths and bedtime routine while i clean up from the day we both work i do part time and he's full time he has the kids when im at work and has only just realised how much i do daily so don't expect too much as u should of set the standards at the beginning of the relationship would u change ur way of doing things for him?