My extended family are planning a trip to the south Pacific and have included me + Mr teenage son. It is a lovely idea to include us and we have allocated funds etc.
But one thing that i can't shake is I'm fat. I hate how i look. I cover myself most days head to toe. In the blistering heat, i might wear a dress with leggings... But i can't have my shoulders/arms/legs showing.
I'm on medication for chronic disease management and when i have approached my Dr for weight loss strategies, they say 4 out of the 5 meds contribute to weight gain. It's not a matter of changing meds, changing them is so disruptive it means 6 months without a license. Means withdrawals because me body depends on the medication to stop me from having seizures.
It's all well and good saying just go to the gym, eat less, no carbs, water etc. Problem is, 95% is healthy eating. Working out is humiliating. I try to do it when no one is around because i am embarassed to be seen. You get comments like "this is why we have an obesity problem" referring to a ice latte (skim milk no ice cream or cream.) OR you are told "it's great you're doing SOMETHING about that..."
It's gotten to the point I just say "you're not the first person to think they are the first person to say to me that i am fat." I had a co worker gesture to her size and mine saying us fat girls love food. When in actual fact I have a dislike for food and tend to skip meals for water infused with fruit and just have a nutritious dinner at the end. She flat out told me that everyone is on meds and I am being lazy/dishonest about my eating habits.
I refuse to eat out especially with others. I feel like I am constantly watched when I put a fork in my mouth. I'm pretty sure that's counter productive but the stress literately makes me vomit when I do try 3 meals per day. With a herna, a tear in my esophagus, it's not hard to regurgitate on demand. My dr knows, he sees me weekly for my mental health plan.
I have no idea why i am venting. I really wish people were more responsible with what they say to others. I am absolutely terrified and I am no longer excited about going through with the holidays. I would more than happy to sent Mr teen with the family and stay home (someone should because the animals but there's a an already. I sense it's because they know I dont want to go.)
But i really dont want to go and I feel like society will just laugh anyway and my family will be disappointed that i refuse to participate in activities.
I just dont know what to do.
15 Replies
I’m so sorry for feel so judged and the way you do. You’re weight is stopping you from living the best life and you’re doing the right things to change it, which can be a slow process, so is there a way you can find happiness in peace within yourself currently and just embrace your weight? I’ve had to do that recently and the mindset has been a really healthy change for me to become happier. Own that you’re fat!
I can honestly say when I’m at gym and I see larger people I think wow good on them for being confident to come here. I feel so anxious being at gym and like I’m watched but then you get talking to the mum next to you who is skinny and perky and she’s lost 50kg so started right where you are. When I see larger people eating out at restaurants I think wow they’re having a nice family night out, I never judge what they’re eating. I think you’re being completely over cautious about what others think about you.
I can relate to this.
Often people say things thinking they're being complimentary but they're actually being kind of insulting.
I've had:
"I saw you going for a walk the other day, bet you feel so good now you're exercising?"
Erm, right? I was literally just walking to the corner shop for bread but okay!
"Have you lost weight? You look soooo much better".
Oh, sorry. Didn't realise you found me so repulsive to look at 2kgs ago 🙄
"Love your new top, it's really
flattering with your type of figure".
Cool, so I look less fat today. Thanks!
"So um... there's some cake in the break room... I dunno if you want any... I know you're trying to watch your weight and stuff...(looks away awkwardly)".
Great, really! Now I feel like I have politely decline because you're all going to judge me if I do have a damn slice of cake. Could have just asked me if I wanted some, didn't need to try and fail at being considerate.
"Salad for lunch, good on you".
Cheers, really needed your input!
"Gotta love a meat pie, we all need a cheat day sometimes".
Could you just stop commenting on what I'm eating! You think you're being nice but you're making me uncomfortable.
Some people don't realise that as a bigger person, you can feel like your entire value as a human being is directly linked to your weight. You feel less important, you feel like you stand out and take up too much space, you feel like you're less entitled to enjoy life's simple pleasures such as wearing a singlet and shorts on a hot day.
I say go on that holiday, let your arms and legs go free and forget about covering yourself up to make other people feel comfortable.
Go make some beautiful memories with you family, especially your son. He's not going to look back and think "gees I wish my mum hadn't come on holidays, she was far too fat to do that".
He's going to look back and think "I'm so glad I had that time with my mum".
Love this, so true.
Oh hun. This is such a terrible thing to feel. Like the other responders have written people don’t mean to be insulting and probably to most people what they say would not be interpreted as insulting. I think your focus needs to be on your mental health because a lot of this analysis is from your thought process. There is so much analysis over what people are thinking and yes there are some people who say or think things which are not ideal to you but they aren’t the majority. You can’t change what other people say. The only thing you can change is yourself.
Just like the gym, nobody usually cares about anybody else. Seriously we are all self-centred and we are watching ourselves in the mirror! If I saw an overweight person on the treadmill jogging I actually think they are amazing. I used to be overweight and couldn’t jog. I lost the weight but struggle with this and a few kgs heavier and I really notice. Seeing them jog is inspirational as they need to be so strong and have great cardio to do this. This is just one example.
Don’t let a few comments detract from your goals!
It's really sad that you'll miss such a great life experience because of your body (and moreso all of the psychological and emotional stuff).
People just suck but we get to decide if they have the power to control us. I'm fat too, my assistant was literally a little overweight when she fell pregnant and had her dr tell her she's obese, my last assistant was the size of a bird and ate like 3 horses (I seriously haven't seen someone eat like that since my son was a teenager). The moral of the story is just do you. I'm currently swapping my fave high carb foods for keto or lower carb options (yesterday I made keto cheesecake!) The exercise physiologist I saw reckons my aversion to sweat is not an excuse but fuck me if it isn't enough to keep my ass off the bike. You can still cover up if that's what you want to do, loose flowing pants instead of leggings, kaftans etc but cut yourself a bit of slack so you can include long maxi dresses. As for activities, "off you go, I'm on holidays so I plan on relaxing with this book on that sun lounge, see you in a few hours". You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with.
I used to be an emotional fat lady. Now I’m an extremely happy lady who happens to be fat.
It was a process and I still have my moments, but I’ve learnt how to feel good about myself and I’ve also learnt to shut people down when they say stupid stuff.
My first thing was to change who I followed on social media, I unliked and unfollowed wellness bloggers and diet programs etc. anyone who claimed to know the secret of weight loss was gone from my life.
The only people I followed wrote about body positivity, they wrote about loving yourself and enjoying your life.
When people made comments about ‘doing something about my weight’ I asked them ‘when are you getting plastic surgery on your nose’. I started to stand up for myself. People around me started to get that there comments were innapropriate. I started to enjoy exercising more because it stopped becoming about loosing weight it became about enjoying exercise.
When I decided to join a gym, I chose carefully. I avoided the ‘trendy’ gyms and looked for a gym that had a wide range of people from people in there 90s to people who are recovering from car accidents. I knew they were the gym for me when they didn’t ask me how much weight I wanted to loose, they asked about my goals. They let me tell my story about what I wanted and needed. There were not motivational posters on how to loose weight on the walls etc.
I’m still fat, I probably always will be. I’m now fine with that. I go to the beach. I dance at the music festival. I wear clothes that are comfortable. I eat the healthy food and I go to the gym because I EnJOY it.
I really hope you can get to that point. I know it’s a process and it takes time. You deserve to live your happiest life no matter what.
I can sympathise with you. I’m not sure if others judge me though as I’m too busy judging myself.
I have exploded since having children. My thyroid has kicked the bucket and if I’m honest I hide behind that. I never go out cause I don’t want people to see me this fat. I’m embarrassed that my son has started kindergarten with the Fat mum.
Today I did sand sprints. It was the last day of nippers my husband is at work and it was kids verse parents day. I had planned to get out of it citing that I couldn’t due to having to watch my 2 year old. BUT when my son came to get me so excited I stepped up and I did it! I did it for him. Cause he doesn’t see the extra 20kgs he sees me! And bless him I loved every minute. I forgot about my self loathing for long enough to remember how much I love being active..
I hope that this is a turning point for me. I think we under estimate how much our kids just want us to get involved. The best thing we can give them is experiences. I don’t want my kids remembering I watched from the sidelines.
Go on your trip. Go for a walk every night in the dark, if your not comfy at the gym. If you can’t do it for you do it for your son. I promise those exercise endorphins will help. You may not loose any wait. But your likely to feel so much better about your self than you do now! It may also help your chronic disease.
Have you seen the South Pacific Islander girls. Most are far from waifs. You’ve got not nothing to worry about.
It’s so fucking hard, know exactly how you feel.
Go there and have fun with your son.
Wear sarongs around the hotel, with your bathers underneath and tie them at your boobs in the middle, they are really comfy, cool and cover a lot.
Try to be just in the moment, enjoying your son, I always remind myself of that woman whose husband died and she didn’t have any family pics of them altogether because she was subconscious of her weight. She has so much regret about that.
Imagine if you died next month.
Also, as another lady pointed out, you’re going somewhere where the women are big, so you will just blend in.
Could be worse, you could be going to japan or Bali 😂😂😂
These people paying for you obviously VALUE you very, very much.
You and your son are obviously very special people who are adored, don’t let the family down.
Your weight doesn’t define who you are ❤️
Btw I’m on meds too, I could be skinny and crazy or fat and sane. I choose sane lol
Have you considered seeing someone to help you like yourself? Our relationship with food is a really complex one that goes beyond eating because we need to. As you say the meds you're taking have contributed to your weight gain and you don't like yourself as a result. A Psychologist by the name of Georgie Beames runs online courses to help women with food issues and she also regularly posts tips on FB and and you can subscribe to emails from her with tips.
www.georgiebeames.com
In all honesty, no one is looking at you. Sadly we’re all battling our own insecurities & im not sure how we resolve these issues as our culture but life is short. I mean really short. My magnificent Dad dropped dead at 53, after working himself to the bone his entire life. The best memories we have are going away with him to the beach once a year. Your son won’t remember how much you weigh, but he will remember if you’re miserable & if you don’t go at all. You’re 100% worth it - worth the money spent on the holiday, worth the time spent getting a wardrobe for the holiday that makes you feel comfortable. Do it, you will regret it if you don’t, your size really doesn’t matter & for the record, even if you were a size 8 I’m sure our demons still live with us inside our heads!
So I just want to touch on a few things, 1. I have also got some h e alth issues going on, I have found I eat 1 solid meal a day, snack on deit jelly & water. I also drink vita deit shakes. (I know i know its a fad deit it only works while you taking them) true, but this leads me to my s3cond point exercise (I HATE IT) I hate being that fat girl trying to run and kill the treadmill (yes that happened I broke one while the gym was full of beautiful people) I have found that this eating plan allows me to loose the weight I need to not break treadmills (plus I now rent one and its in my shed, not only do I run badly I struggle to walk normal as well.)
To help me shake my embarrassment (because even when I am alone I sometimes feel it). This also leads me into my 3rd piont well its not really a point but my lil sister (up and coming entrepreneur posted a video on FB 'Your crap and that's ok!' Basically 98% of us a crap at something when we first start. And thats ok you try and fail and thats how we learn. Go on y o ur holiday enjoy self, I agree woth some of the other comments be there and be present for you son, his 15 he wont be around for much longer before he starts his own adult life, create memories, and remember ENJOY LIFE LIVE ON YOUR OWN TERMS
I want to tell you that you are not alone.
It shame me that society makes people feel this way.
My advice go... don’t give a fuck- enjoy time with your child and family. You will never get the time back fat or thin!
People think size is the problem- its the mindset it is hard to shift.
I am size 26 and just got married I thought having my arms out and a tight dress would make me feel horrible and self conscious- I had such a good time I hardly noticed.
Follow some body positive bikini or plus size models it will make you feel good to see all women have lumps and bumps.