I recently seperated from my partner due to uncontrollable anger issues and emotional/mental abuse. We have a 6month old. He says he wants to work things out. All my family/friends say he will never change. I would like to try again if he gets help but i know everyone wont support that. Just after some advise please. Thank you
7 Replies
If you must, let him get help for himself, and then if you still want to
, try again in six months time while living separately and the trial not being romantic. Watch him while he 'gets help'and see if he can be respectful and not abusive the entire time. Im talking months. Don't excuse away the stuff ups. No living together until it's at zero stuff ups for many months and if you ever get that far, move out again the second he hints at a 'stuff ups'.
Right now, you have to go zero contact and work on yourself. You have to get yourself to a place where you know this guy and you know he won't change despite his promises, and you know you deserve better and the only way is to have him completely out of your life.
My advice, from being in an abusive relationship, and witnessing other abusive relationships.
Of course he says he wants to work things out. That’s what they all say. But until you both receive therapy separately for a very long time trying to work it out will just be perpetuating the abuse cycle longer.
Breaking up and ‘working it out’ and ‘honeymoon phases’ are all a huge part of the addiction and perpetuate the cycle.
Until you BOTH deeply understand the cycle and recognise and have true insight around that this relationship will continue to be abusive.
You also need to understand that abusers will say ANYThING to get you back. They don’t/won’t follow through on the promises. It’s part of te addiction for them: it’s like a drug addict begging for there next fix, they will sound truly devastated and sorry, and will make it sound like it’s all going to change. It doesn’t change.
The only way to truly work on this relationship is to stay separated. If he truly wants to work it out he will book himself in for some serious therapy. He will listen to his therapist and work hard. He will develop a strong healthy coparebting relationship with you for the sake of the child. He will do consistently well for 2 years and then you will know he is ready for a relationship. Most don’t do the work, and never get there.
I assume you're living separately?
I would proceed very carefully and not even consider moving back in together until (and if at all) he's shown a real change in his anger issues and has made a real effort to fix things, not just telling you what you want to hear but actually acknowledging the issues and seeking professional help to deal with them, willing and actively participating in relationship counselling etc.
You also need to respect that your family will likely be cynical and sceptical - they love you and don't want to see you hurt!
I could have written this myself. I'm going through the EXACT same thing right now.
I've stood my ground and said no definitely not getting back together anytime soon. Maybe in years to come if he can prove he has changed but I doubt he will. It's hard but we deserve better and so do our kids. My family also would not support us getting back together.
How is he getting help? What things is he putting in place to change the way he behaves/reacts? Has he said he’d “change” before and never actually followed through?
Maybe your family can see he isn’t prepared to change, even though he tells you he will. Maybe they don’t want to see you physically/mentally hurt again. Maybe they fear for your child.
It is well and truly up to you but I think you should look into the cycle of abuse. The stage you are in is when the abuser apologizes says he won't do it again and everything seems great but then the cycle comes back around and the abuse will start again.
People think staying with the father is better for the child but believe me it's. Even though your child is young they will learn to know that being abused is normal, that it's okay purely because she has seen your relationship.
Please be careful.
Yes he does need help. Get him to get into some counseling while you are apart, then maybe so couples counseling, if everything is going well then start things again but slowly.
I am not sure where you live but in SA it is now child abuse if children witness domestic violence and are at risk of being removed from the parents. So again be careful.
Wait until he gets help for a long time then try a few dates. Until then, do not live with him