A bit of back story first, unfortunately there is a lot more to this story but not enough room to write it all so I try to provide as much info as I can.
My ex and I have been seperated 10 years, we have two children together, a teenager who moved in with him last year and a 10 yr old. The 10 yr old lives with myself, my husband and our 3 yr old, my hubby has been in the picture for 9 years.
My ex has not remarried and has not other children apart from our two.
The visiting arrangements have been a bit hectic as my ex lived 6 hours away we moved closer to make things work a bit easier. Things have been a lot more regular since we are now 3 hours away, we do full weekend visits once a month or more if arranged (both in agreeance for visits with both kids, once a month is only due to financial reasons on both sides) he travels to us one time and us to him the next, birthdays have been celebrated together as one.
I thought things had been going well and we had a good thing going for the kids, they could see everybody get along. But the last visit two days ago went wrong, when we went to pick up Mr 10 at 5pm like arranged they weren't there. Thinking they were just late I rang my ex and got told he was not bringing Mr 10 back, he said he doesn't want the kids around me when I'm pregnant (found out 3 weeks ago and have just told my teen and ex last week after our first scan), he sai Mr 19 didn't want to live with me anymore. I asked to speak to him and he refused for over an hour but eventually gave in and let me speak to him, before he handed the phone to Mr 10 he told him not to say where they were.
I asked Mr 10 what was happening and he said his dad said he could spend the week with them, I asked him if he didn't want to live with me anymore and he said he did he just wanted more time with his dad, I explained during the school week was not going to work but on the weekend we could arrange another visit and come holidays he could go and spend them at his dads, he was happy with that and asked his dad to drive him back.
My ex took the phone off and I wasn't allowed to speak to him again.
Not knowing what to do I rang the police, they came but I was told as there were no court orders there wasn't a lot they could do. My ex showed up alone 10 minutes after the police and after 2 hours of negotiation with police he agreed to take us to where he had hidden Mr 10.
The police told me they advice no more visits until a court order is in place to prevent a situation like this again.
Mr 10 came running out the house and hugged me and we made the 3 hour trip home.
He hasn't slept in his room since the weekend and he says his dad wouldn't let him come home when he wanted to, he's scared his dad is going to try and take him while he is sleeping and that he won't see us again but he misses his brother and still wants to see his dad he just doesn't want to live with him. This is also going to have a massive impact on the relationship between me and my teen.
How do I help him deal with all this? He is so confused and hurt he doesn't understand why his dad did this, to be honest I don't either.
5 Replies
Sorry I made a typo, where it says Mr 19 it is meant to say Mr 10
Wow 😲 that is crazy.. I’m so sorry this has happened! No way I’d put my son in that position again until he is comfortable and you have court orders in place!
So you follow the procedure and reassure Mr 10 that you are doing everything to make sure this cant happen again and that police can get him it if did and not to worry because he is not going for now.
Y o u can also do some work on body clues, like the Daniel morcombe foundation teaches. Maybe his own phone to call you if he is feeling uneasy.
Give him ways to think through his anxious thoughts.
It sounds like your ex is jealous that you're having another baby, I would be really careful and read about parental alienation because this is how it starts often. You're lucky your boy came back to you, I would be wary of your relationship with both boys from now on and be on the lookout for alienation warning signs.
Thankyou mr 10 won't be going back again until he feels comfortable and safe and we have orders in place but at this point he still won't sleep in his own room, I just keep reassuring him that it won't happen but I can see it taking a long time for him to build trust with his father again.