So we’re having a child free wedding to help save on costs as our venue charges children at the same rate as adults and there’s 30 something kids in our family and friends.
We sent out the invitations 9 months in advance as people have to travel so everyone had loads of notice. And in addition to invites one year before we sent the invites we also sent out save the dates. So people did have lots of time to know that it was to be a child free wedding. It’s now time to rsvp and I have people ringing and complaining they can’t bring their kids and how heartless I am. Now 30 extra kids will cost $3000 as it’s $100 per head. We are having a wedding of 50 people including the bridal party.
I’m so close to just throwing in the towel and cancelling the whole damn thing. No one seems to understand weddings cost money. We have literally scraped and pinched to save money for this wedding after buying our first home. I just don’t know what to do 😢😢
Edit I completely understand if people can’t come because of not being able to find someone to look after their kids. And even if they paid for their kids there would not be enough room in the venue
41 Replies
Why are you arguing it. Who are these people demanding you have their kids at your wedding?
You say, it's my wedding and that's what I've chosen, if you can't come I understand. Don't put your budget issues back onto them. They don't need to understand, they just need to RSVP.
Some people get mortally insulted when their precious little gems aren't invited somewhere, so much so they forget how to behave like a friggen adult half the time!
It's your wedding, you don't need to explain anything. I can't help but feel that anyone worth having there, wouldn't make such a fuss. Who knows, maybe this will save you a few hundred bucks?
Honestly, just don't engage in their bullshit. Tell them you're not interested in hearing their complains, you just want to know if they're coming or not!
Tell them if they want their kids there then they pay for them
Oh wow! People never cease to amaze me with their rudeness.
Heartless?? Gees!
Who are these people because honestly I wouldn't really want them to come haha. Maybe they will get cranky enough they will refuse to attend. 🤞🤞
But in all seriousness maybe send out a group message to all guests invited that while needing to keep within your budget you had to make the "difficult" decision to not invite the kids as the venue charges adult rate even for the little ones and offer guests thr option to bring their lids if they are willing to pay the $100 per head and must have it paid by a specific date. (Bet their kids attendance wont be so necessary to them then😜)
I’d rather pay $300 to take my kids then have to fork out $1000 to get them someone to care for them for 4 days and 4 nights depending on how far I have to travel etc especially if the people I usually get to babysit for free are going to the wedding. I actually paid my niece $300 to baby sit my kids from Fri-Sun because she wasn’t going to the wedding. But if I couldn’t get a baby sitter I’d have to have paid $250+ a day for someone to care for my kids because I have a low functioning child who needs to be watched closely. I’ve skipped weddings and events especially if my free babysitters are attending. I don’t want them to miss out on going to something becasue I can’t take my kids. I’d respect the brides choice though and just RSVP no, sorry maybe next time? I’d just hope the bride doesn’t get carried away and be insulted because I chose not to go because I couldn’t afford a babysitter on top of the travel costs to attend their wedding 🤷🏼♀️ Some do get seriously insulted if you say no.
Yes i understand what you are saying. I guess people would assume you could get the inlaws to have the children seem as they wouldn't be attending the wedding, but thats not always possible.
Its Obviosuly not all black and white but as long as people are not getting offended and snotty based on people's circumstances there is no drama. Understanding all round!
The last wedding I attended my kids were welcome to come but there was no way I was taking them! Lol. Only my 8 week old baby came along because he was breastfed amd it was 4 hours away but I didnt want to be chasing a 2 year old all night. Why wouldn't people take it as an opportunity for a child free day/night out! Gosh!!
The fricken cheek of some people!!
Why would anyone assume there kids or them were invited to anything??
Child free weddings are not a new concept. Out of 10 aunties/uncles I only went to two weddings as a child. My parents were excited about a child free night. I’ve been the babysitter for loads of weddings where it was my job to transport flower girls home and babysit after the ceremony.
If they can’t be understanding or considerate of your reasons, they probably don’t deserve to be at your wedding anyway. Especially when everyone knows weddings are expensive as fuck these days..
I had 2 people ask and when I said no they were fine and made arrangements.
My poor sister in law had people just bring their toddler anyway without letting her know. And so she had a few cousins tear strips off her on her wedding day because they weren’t able to bring their kids... I mean I actually can’t believe people.
As soon as I get an invite - I’m on the phone organising a babysitter!
It really depends on the age of the children, whether they have extenuating circumstances like night terrors, medical conditions, have ever been away from their parents, are breastfeeding, have suitable care options (my mum is deaf and dad legally blind and deaf) etc. Leaving them just might be an option. If the venue has capacity and you would prefer those guests are able to come, ask if they are happy to pay for their children in lieu of a gift? If you don't mind if they can't come, explain that the venue doesn't have capacity for children to be invited because there are so many and explain you would love them to attend but understand if they can't. Unfortunately, with kids, what might have been OK when you sent out save the day cards might not be the case now.
I get you don’t want kids, are you going to be upset because they choose to not attend becasue they can’t bring their children. You said some of them have to travel. Are you expecting them to travel, come to your wedding and hire a nanny to either come with them so they can attend or leave the kids at home with a nanny or family member from the other side of their family becasue you’ve invited their actual baby sitters to attend to?? If you aren’t going to be upset that they aren’t going to attend because they can’t bring their kids then stand your ground and say. My wedding, my rules, if you can’t come that’s ok, I understand your kids come first. If they have a new born and are breast feeding I’d hope you’d be accommodating but if you aren’t even prepared to do that expect less guests again. Be prepared and happy to loose about 20 people off your guest list and save a whole bunch more money while you’re at it. I mean you invited those people to travel to your wedding, whilst telling them they either have to leave their kids with a complete stranger or nanny. I spent over $1500 to be a bridesmaid at my besties wedding it was an extra $300 and a bottle of Vodka to pay my baby sitter. If I had hired a nanny I’d have paid close to $1000 for three full days and 3 full nights. That’s a lot of money that not every one has and you’re expecting them to have especially if you really want them there. That $1500 + included my accomodation,fuel, dress, hair, make up, shoes, partners shoes and a couple of meals that weren’t catered for. If she wasn’t one of my besties you would not have seen me there. I’m re wearing my dress soon to a ball I’m super excited to get my moneys worth out of my dress.
So I’m the poster
I sent out save the dates a year before the invites went out stating no children, and then 9 months before the actual wedding I sent out the invites again stating no children.
The venue can not fit in 30 more people. As we picked a small intimate venue. If it was. A baby breastfeeding I wouldn’t mind but the youngest child is 6 and the oldest is 15.
There are 6 people that have to travel, and they of course received information about the wedding before anyone so they had time to organise
I have explained nicely to people that no we can’t afford nor accommodate 30 extra guests so it’s not practical
I thought it was the $100 a head that was the issue? Not the lack of room?
Both are the issue! I don’t have 3k laying around and the venue is small and would be squished if I added in extra tables.
I’m so close to just cancelling the wedding
Noo no no dont do that. Seriously it doesnt matter what you do, you can never cater to every body. Just do whats within your limits and let the guests work out their baby sitting issues and what not. If they cant attend than thats a shame, but theres nothing you can do about that.
I completely understand if someone couldn’t attend cux they couldn’t find baby sitting
I’m just so stressed there’s like 10 weeks to go and everything is getting to me
💗💗 you poor thing. It would be stressful. And the rudeness of them ringing you to complain! Stuff them mate!
Focus on what your looking forward to on your day. You beautiful dress, the lovely music, your gorgeous husband. Xx
My 7.5 year old would be the child I couldn't leave, my 4 year old would be fine. She would have been fine as soon as I stopped breast feeding to be honest. Age isn't the only issue. Honestly, I'd be bitterly disappointed if someone in my family preferred to not have me there than let me pay for my child. I wouldn't make a big deal about it but I'd always remember. Maybe explain there a) isn't room for 30 extra and b) you can't afford the cost. So IF parents that NEED to have their kids are happy to pay for them and that doesn't end up being everyone, you can accommodate, but if that means the numbers get too high for the venue even with the cost being born by the parents, you will let everyone know so that they can confirm whether both adults are attending or just 1.tgat might be a flexible solution if you're wanting to keep things friendly.
I’ve already explained that we have a smaller room due to only inviting 45 people. And therefore we couldn’t accommodate the children as well as we can’t afforf them as it seems all these parents think we should fork out and put ourselves into debt to invite the kids
Well if they pay, you're not financially affected. And you said the issue was it would be squishy... So if not all people attending invited the kids, you could probably fit in the kids belonging to people that need to bring them. If you really don't mind if your guests rsvp no that's fine... But I'm just flagging a potential compromise that could work for everyone.
They don’t want to pay
They expected us to pay for their flights
They don't get to say who comes and negotiate this.
If it's immediate family or close friends, they may feel that they can expect that you'll do more to have them there.
Perhaps a gentle conversation saying, I do understand if it doesnt work for you that it means that you can't come and that's ok.
Naaaah Bride you dont need to compromise anything. Its your wedding. And dont feel guilty. People have had HEEEEEAPS of time to decide if they cant attend or not due to not being able to leave kids.
My brother didn't have kids at his wedding reception. I explained that we might have to tag team the reception with my husband because I didn't want to leave my kids with someone I didn't know, especially as one was only 8 months old. We ended up paying for accommodation for my in laws to come to look after the kids.
You know what.... 2 years later... he was totally right to have a kid free wedding. We all had a ripper time without worrying about our kids!!! Stick to your guns after the wedding no one will even remember that there was no kids there.
When it's your wedding things seem way bigger deals than they are. Take a deep breathe. Unfortunately you may have people that can't come because of your decision. They may not be comfortable leaving their kids and that's their right and shouldn't get judged. You need to be accepting of these people as well.
Enjoy the day.... while weddings are great and totally worth it they are just a blip in the radar. You'll have much bigger things to worry about in a few years.
You have the absolute right to have no children at your wedding, and your guests have the absolute right not to come to your wedding if they have an issue with their children not being invited. Regardless of the amount of notice you gave them. Some parents feel funny leaving their children for extended periods. Not me tho, i love any chance at child free events ;).Don't take it personally. You don't really have a right to be upset if they chose not to come for this reason. Just accept it and have an amazing time with those that do come.
I’m not upset if they can’t come
I’m upset that I have people complaining and getting mad at me because their kids aren’t invited.
I completely understand some people don’t like leaving their kids or paying for a babysitter costs money
I mentioned once that when I get married, it will be a child free event with the exception of my own children. Someone pipes up "why do you get to bring yours but not invite everyone else's?" Erm... because it'll be my damn wedding mate, that's why!?
The entitlement some parents possess is astounding.
No kids means no kids.
It doesn't mean 'I'll pay for my kids meal'.
It doesn't mean carrying on about it til the bride and groom oblige.
Their babysitting issues aren't your problem, they've had 9 months to either make arrangements or decide they aren't comfortable with that and let you know. Bitching at you 10 weeks out in the hopes you'll change your entire wedding to suit them is bullshit. If it were my friends and family, I'd be telling them so!
"It's a shame you haven't been able to organise anything yet, I understand you can't come though".
Click.
In the big scheme of things they haven't organised or paid for your wedding, they have had ample time to seek a babysitter (even the ones travelling can bring their kids and just get them watched for a few hours - they hardly need a nanny for a week the whingers) either on their own or through family/friends in the area where the wedding is.
I'd at least hope the whingers don't come and ruin your night - bet they're fun at parties.
I myself would tell anyone complaining that they just found themselves not invited too.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with rude, entitled people OP :( this is your wedding and other people’s child care issues are not your problem. No kids at weddings is extremely common! I am getting married later this year and I’m not inviting kids, due to mostly the same reasons as yours, plus the fact that a wedding is an adult function and kids would be bored to tears. They’d have a much better time with a babysitter doing fun kids stuff anyway so I don’t see the point in paying for them to attend when they wouldn’t even enjoy it.
Let your guests sort out child care for themselves and have your wedding your way, and don’t feel like you have to compromise because some people think they are above what you want/can afford for your day. People offering to pay for their own kids is still very rude as they have already been told twice there are no kids invited, and that is unfair on those who have done the right thing and arranged child care in advance. If they can’t/choose not to come because of child care issues then what a shame for them 🤷🏻♀️
The kids at my wedding had a ball. And I've always enjoyed weddings more with kids (even before I had them) with dancing etc. I also have very special memories of the weddings I went to as a child. Weddings are tradionally for family and that includes children. Hence page boys, flower girls etc. No kids is about the bride and groom wanting things perfect more than anything in my opinion. Which seems counter intuitive if it means people you love and want there can't attend. I would have hated for people not to come because I was inflexible. Probably a bit late for this lady given the venue is small etc., but I don't think it's a matter of the guests being unreasonable. Obviously the people getting married are important to them, leaving the kids at home is not an option and not attending isn't something they don't want because the bride/groom are special. After all, missing out on attending a wedding for people you didn't really care for wouldn't be a big deal. To the lady who posted, I hope things work out without ww3 breaking out for you. If it's your husband to bes family, let him field the phone calls.
I’m the poster
We aren’t having children in the bridal party
And everyone knew from when we got engaged that the wedding would be child free and that children were invited to the engagement party.
I just think that given the fact I gave 21 months basically of formal notice it’s a bit late now to be complaining
I guess it comes down to personal choice 🤷🏻♀️ I’m choosing not to have kids at my wedding just as the OP is, and for very valid reasons. It is rude that her guests don’t respect that choice. I agree with the above posters OP, just don’t engage in their rubbish and don’t compromise or negotiate. Your wedding, your choice.
I have 4 kids aging from 1 to 9. If my sister had a child free wedding, I'd have a pretty shit time trying to find someone too look after the kids because my husband's family dont' live anywhere near us and we'd have to travel to my sisters location too. But i still wouldnt expect my sister to accomadate her wedding for my kids if that wasn't her prefence. Id leave my husband home with the kids and have a ball with my family 😂😂
Honestly, I’d just say kids at the ceremony is fine, however, the reception is adults only.
Let’s face it, the important part should be the wedding. Everyone can see the wedding, then their only missing out on the party.
This is YOUR wedding. Yours and yours alone. You do not have to sacrifice your enjoyment of your day because people are having a whinge. If they can't come because they cannot or will not find someone to sit with their kids then tough, they don't get to come. Don't expect people to accommodate your child so you can freely attend events. You wouldn't call a concert hall or a bar and call them heartless because kids aren't allowed. You suck it up, arrange a sitter or miss out. Tell them no, venue is not child friendly, end of discussion.
NB You also don't have the right to be upset if they can't make it, just FYI. Not saying you would, just saying it goes both ways.
2 of my cousins have invited me (and my husband) to their weddings since we had our daughter. Unfortunately, since anyone I'd be comfortable leaving my daughter with on both occasions were also going to the wedding, we had to sacrifice. One I went to alone, my husband stayed home with our daughter. The other I'm not going to, not least because it also involves a fair bit of messing about with travel and accommodation and we honestly can't afford it.
My brother in law got married 3 hours away at Easter time and our kids weren't invited. We didn't go. Your wedding your choice!! People should respect that. Good luck.
You can't please everyone and this is partly why we are eloping. We are not particularly social people either. We are getting married for us not others.
In your case I would just say sorry but we can't fit any extra people in the venue. If I wasn't having kids t the wedding I would probably hire a baby sitter or 2 and room somewhere close for the people with no sitters
I've been invited to an interstate wedding where (their words) "the little versions of friends and family" were not welcome. At the time we had a 2 Yr old and I was approx 8 wks preg.... So I did the adulty thing and stayed home. Partner went with the rest of his family. I had a great time at home not having to worry about baby sitters etc.
At my own wedding it was expressed as optional for kids - and the people with older kids took the opportunity to leave them at home (they said to the kids their name wasn't on the invite so they weren't invited haha).The people with young kids brought them along. Everyone was happy. But we had a informal wedding - cocktail food at a swanky location.
You do what makes you happy.
Why is having kids at a wedding all of a sudden a thing? Because of 2nd marriages, or couples getting married after having their kids? 🤷♀️
1997 - went to a friend’s wedding, left my first born BF baby with sister in law who lived nearby, went back to feed her inbetween ceremony and reception
2001 - went away for the night to husband’s relative’s wedding, weaned my 11 month old so I could go
1999 - 6 months pregnant with my 2nd I was bridesmaid for a friend, 3hrs from home, relatives minded my other child
1999 - 7 months pregnant I was bridesmaid for sister, my 2 1/2 yo who was in wedding party was picked up by in-laws prior to reception.
2002 - went to Fiji for 4 days for a friend’s wedding while my 2 young kids were looked after by a few different family members back at home.
2010 - how’s this for precision ... my sister flew up from Melbourne, we exchanged car keys at the (small regional) airport, we then got on her plane, flew to Melbourne, drove her car and arrived at the wedding of my husband’s relative in the Dandenongs on time! She drove my car from the airport, got kids off the bus and took care of them til we flew back 2 days later with her husband. They enjoyed a mini break then flew back home together.
2013 - flew interstate for a niece’s wedding, took the whole fam, rented a huge 7 bedroom house and we all had the best weekend! Kids watched the ceremony then were taken back to the house where a friend looked after my 3 and their cousin.
Never did I consider demanding that my kid/s be invited to any of these weddings!
I was talking to my mum about this recently, she got married in the 80s and according to her - kids were almost never at weddings back then.
If you had a flower girl or page boy in the ceremony they usually were sent home with a baby sitter before the reception.
And really, weddings are boring as hell for kids, I was in my aunt's wedding when I was 12 by about 8.30 I was so over it, I can imagine a younger child getting super restless!