Trigger warning!
I had sex last night. It was great in the end. It's been almost a year for me.
But I realized something is wrong with me.
I've had 9 sexual partners now.
I lost my virginity when i was 19 to a 31 year old. Once we had sex he got up and said he was off to the pub.
Then I had a few more just one night things to try and get over what my first did to me.
Then met my first ex. My daughters dad. He was awful. He made me feel shit. He raped me on my birthday one year. I didn't want sex that night after he treated me like shit. He said i had to as it was my birthday. I faked an orgasm so it would be over and done with. He noticed and he got angry. He yelled at me he held me down while I tired to push him off. He had his way with me. Covered my mouth and told me to shut up. I soon ran to the door and he got there first and shut it. He wouldn't let me get dress it went on for ever. Something that gets to me every year.
He would "pleasure" me and then he would stop and say things like is that what X did to you cause you liked that. Every time it was a test. He asked me once if i liked a guy I slept with he was quite big. I said it doesn't really make a difference. One night he was fingering me and pulling out and fingering me again then sized his 4 fingers up to his penis. I then realized what he was doing, and looked at him. He said u just proved your a lier you liked that, all my fingers in you so you do like big dicks. I ran to the bathroom and locked my self in and cried. I liked it cause he was pleasuring. He banged down the door and yelled at me some more. For years this went on.
Then my other ex came along 3 years later. He was a dick as well. Always wanting sex always drunk and having sex with me while I was sleeping. I would wake up to him in me. Or him forcing my hand to masterbate him. I never got turned on by him ever. I just thought this was because I wasn't attracted to him.
Last night I slept with a guy who was my friend. It's been coming.
He was so nice. We were hugging about to go to sleep and he started to play with my hair he kissed me on the forehead. He was rubbing his hands along my arms. It was nice different. It went on for ages but I didn't get turned on. At all. But I have been sexually attracted to him. I went along with it though. I got aroused but emotionally i wasn't there. This man is very attractive very! His kind and gentle. Why wouldn't I get turned on.
But i didn't. Then we had sex it was good I finished but it's not like I was there with him. He wanted to look at me the whole time. It was actual love making what I have always wanted.
And I could easily have a shower with him but not be there emotionally while he was so nice about it all not knowing anything about my past though.
What is wrong with me. Why can't I get turned on. Why can't I enjoy sex even with a beautiful man.
I feel sick about it. After last night I've noticed something is wrong with me.
I can't enjoy sex
I can't enjoy sex
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Self Care
13 Replies
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Of course you couldn’t enjoy the experience, because experience has told you not to trust the situation, not to relax and to expect it to end badly.
It’s going to take time to undo the damage those assholes have done.
Maybe because he’s only a friend and you aren’t in a relationship? Maybe you deep down feel used again? We could all speculate, but you have been to hell and back and I would suggest you see a therapist to unravel it all. I also think in the meantime you honour your body and your feelings and remain single and celibate. Just because a guy is hot and nice, doesn’t mean I would want to sleep with him if I knew it wasnt going somewhere. There’s nothing wrong with you, as I said, you have had terrible traumas and need to work through it, so any guy that shows you a bit of attention, you don’t feel you “should” sleep with. Pick you and your feeling over all others, you deserve it, you’re number one. Good luck.
Well said!
You've suffered a lot of sexual trauma, that is not your fault nor is there anything wrong with you.
It sounds like you've learned to emotionally disengage, a bit of a self preservation tactic.
I would look into some counselling to help heal these old wounds because you deserve to enjoy sex and you deserve to be able to emotionally connect with people going forward.
All the best darling x
After all you’ve been through, I think it will take a lot more “nice sex” before you can feel comfortable doing it.
After so many bad experiences, it doesn’t make sense to have one nice one and all the bad ones disappear.
Keep working on it though. Keep processing your feelings, going with your gut ect but also try not to put TOO much pressure on yourself to figure it all out at the same time.
This made me feel sick . I’m so sorry you have been through this
Get counselling
Work on your self esteem, get to know who you are
Have some self respect
Stop having sex with people who are just friends
Build a trusting relationship
Then a sexual relationship
And it’s virginity like virgin not vaginity like vagina
Really? You’re gonna spell check this poor traumatized confused girl
You poor girl, it’s got nothin to do with you and there is nothing wrong with you. It’s everything wrong with the way you have been treated in the past. It sounds like it’s traumatised you and the only way to help you is to seek professional help.i think once you get professional help, you will start to feel better about yourself and learn with way to cope with it. You deserve to be treated like a queen. Maybe next time don’t sleep with him, just go for dinner, movies and hang out. You don’t need to sleep with them, try to build an emotional relationship with him. You never know you maybe able to open up to him in the future when you are comfortable and it might just help. Good luck I hope you can overcome this.
I am the same I don’t need sex I do it for my other half I don’t enjoy it but I enjoy him if that makes sense I don’t cum unless I’m played with i was abused as a child for a along time so it’s hard to make it enjoyable but my other half enjoys it so I make it about him not me what he enjoys and for me a little bdsm and dd/lg type play work for use to we both enjoy it (people don’t get the wrong idea about dad/lg he isn’t into little people just me )
You've been traumatised by the previous arseholes.
Get some therapy please.
I hope you find peace so you can love yourself
Get help for the trauma first before jumping into bed with anyone, nice or otherwise!
You’ve been through so so much, that doesn’t just go away on it’s own, it takes work, with a specialised counselor or psychologist.
Please seek the help and support you deserve, so you can recognise a healthy relationship and be able to enjoy sex
You have had some traumatic experiences throughout your life so no wonder you don't feel turned on.
Trauma has a MASSIVE effect on the brain.
Look into the effects of trauma and maybe see your gp about a mental health care plan to work on your trauma and hopefully get to a point where you can get in the mood.
Good luck