Dear ex...

There’s just a few things I need to tell you, this is not for you, it’s for me.
There was once a time when I believed you were able to be saved, where I believed the good in you would eventually over shadow all the bad. When everyone told me to run, I stayed, I stayed because I saw more in you than they ever would. I should have listened, I should have ran before you broke me to be the shell of what I once was.
It’s taken me years to rebuild and I still don’t feel whole. You left a trail of destruction behind you.
I hate that every time someone is nice I now question their motives.
I hate that every time I think I can let someone in I hide a little more.
I hate that every time I think I’m happy I wonder if it’s all just another illusion.
Most of all, I hate that I still don’t hate you for what you did to me.
I wish you did change all the times you promised you would. I wish you were there for your children.
You left me broken and bruised to pick up the pieces of the lives you smashed, and despite the time gone, I still continue to do it. I still question if you ever loved me, or our children, because love isn’t hurting the ones you claim to love.
I try to protect them from all the bad things you did, I try to tell them the good stories about you to show them that underneath all the bad, there’s a lot of good in you. I fear they won’t see it once they are old enough to completely understand, because they shouldn’t have to see that in you.
All I ever wanted was for us to be the family I thought we were, the one that was there before you lost your way.
Now all I want is for you to take responsibility for what you did and just say sorry, so I can move on from the torture you put us through.
Alas, I cannot see that happening. So I continue to rebuild our lives and hope one day all the anguish you put me through won’t be there anymore, and I will finally be able to be what I was before I met you.
Signed
Shattered and broken