i Don’t know why my partners brother dislikes me.
My parter and I live with his parents and brother while we save for a house.
His brother is always friendly and polite infront of his family, joking and bubbly even.
However when his parents are away of a weekend or a couple of weeks (they go camping) he is rude, blunt or just nasty.
When I first moved in anything would upset him, from myself parking on the driveway, the time I took a shower (because he has to have his at 7am, no other time will do), most recently I left some tafe work open on my laptop overnight.
The next day before I left for work, while I was ironing my clothes he threw it and all of my notes on the bed instead of asking me to clean it up.
Now I am constantly on eggshells, anything I say to him from hello or inviting him out he takes it as a personal attack.
I don’t understand how I have upset him so much.
9 Replies
Perhaps he doesn’t dislike you, maybe he’s adjusting to an extra two people living in the house? Sounds like he could be handling it better but I know what I’m like when my personal space feels invaded!
Maybe just keep your possessions out of common areas, work around his schedule (I’m fairly rigid in my morning schedule, shower time etc) and try to be mindful that you are in his personal space eg car space.
If with the changes, he continues to be a dick, maybe get your partner to have a chat to him and see what’s up.
Does he potentially have anxiety or another underlying issue?
I know I was always like this with my sister's boyfriend, even down to the showering at "my" time. I didn't like the change in dynamics and it made me anxious.
Or are your kids annoying him whilst you are there?
His rude behaviour is in no way Ok, I do possibly understand his annoyance though.
My in-laws lived with us for 12 months, their constant presence just irritated me, they took the "make yourself at home" notion far too literally, many times forgetting they were guests in our home and being inconsiderate.
I am a very introverted and private person so having to share my home, have my little routines etc disrupted had me at peak anxiety, there were probably times when they undeservedly wore my frustrations similarly occasionally, because I am very non confrontational so I can be a bit passive aggressive sometimes (I know that's not ok either).
I suggest you speak to your brother in law (which I wish my in-laws had done for me rather than getting snarky), tell him "I feel like there's some tension between us, if I am doing something that bothers you you need to let me know. If I'm getting in your way, you want me to move my stuff or you want the shower at a particular time just talk to me about it rather than getting shitty because i dont appreciate the rudeness. We have to have a bit of mutual respect, yeah?"
I'm sure it's not a dislike, he's probably overwhelmed although I'm sure it feels personal from your perspective.
Good luck, these living situations can be tricky to navigate.
You’re in his space. The plan is great for YOUR end game of getting the house but what does he get? To be inconvenienced and uncomfortable having someone else live in his house.
If it’s really uncomfortable you and your partner maybe need to make other arrangements
You live in his parents house. He acts this way when his parents aren’t home. Do you leave your stuff lying around when his parents are home? Do you inhabito more space than you normally do when they aren’t there? If you do he probably feels like he needs to do this so you don’t encroach on more space then you are welcome too. Do you help with the chores, mop floors, do dishes etc? Does he feel like his parents are being taken advantage of? Do you create mess and his mum cleans it up and you don’t notice? Should he have to ask you to clean up your stuff?? Or move it from a public space especially when you aren’t in it? Are you an adult? Yes he’s out of line in the way he’s approaching you and how he’s going about it. But maybe his subtle hints aren’t working and he’s sick of having your mess in his space too and this is the only way he knows how to communicate becasue it’s what he learnt while growing up? Give him a chance and hit him up with a conversation but chances are he’s gonna get mad to start with. You could even write him a letter and say. He man, it seems we’ve been having some rough patches. Can we have a convo over a beer/cider/wine one arvo and see how we can deal with it. If he’s adamant about not having a chat he can decline your request and you’ll need to pick up after yourself, not leave stuff in shared areas until you have saved enough to buy your house. It’ll be an incentive to save up as much as you can and as fast as you can without delay.
PS let him have his 7am Shower. Make sure you’re out of the bathroom by 6:50 am so he can get on with the way he’s been doing things in the house way before you came along.
I've lived with someone who refused to cooperate with scheduling. I worked 2 jobs and only had time to shower at 9:30pm. I had to go to a friends house to shower because she would either have just had a shower or would be in the shower when I got home.
I had a strict schedule. 6:30 wake up, go to work, come home, have lunch, go to my second job, come home, shower, bed.
It might be hard to understand but throwing out the routine can put the entire schedule out of whack and it can take days to rectify it.
If he was there before you and you've just moved in, you need to work around him. If he has moved in after you, he's being unreasonable. It was his home first, you're the one in a new environment and you need to adapt accordingly.
I agree with this. I lived with my in laws for a little while and it was pretty easy to work out their before work morning routine with showers etc. I just acknowledged their routine and worked mine around it.
As for his behaviour though. Have you said things about him or your in laws to someone over the phone that he may have overheard?
Or do you think he thinks you guys are taking advantage of his parents generosity?
Your brother needs to have a chat to him to get to the root of his annoyance.
It sounds like too me:
1. He hates mess
2. He has a routine he follows eg: the shower, and you guys tend to mess it up.
Just be mindful and considerate that yep he showers at 7am Make the bathroom free. Dont leave your stuff where its going to be in the way of other people. And finally tell him to not be a dick about it and just talk to you if your shit is in the way etc.