Hi all,
I am wanting some advice on how to tackle my inappropriate inlaws.
Ever since we had our daughter (12 months ago) my inlaws feel the need to make rude and inappropriate comments/opinions about how we parent our child. It’s more aimed at me as they make these comments when my husband isn’t around to defend me, comments like I don’t feed her enough or why isn’t she sleeping through the night and it must be because I still breastfeed.
I’m finding them extremely hurtful, being a first time mother I constantly self doubt myself as it is without needing to be judged and ridiculed every visit. They live a few hours away so it’s not like we have them babysit frequently ect
My husband has said he will have a word to them but I want some advice on how to deal with it head on of it continues to happen. I don’t really want my daughter around people like this who can’t support and respect me as a person and parent and I also don’t want to be the bad guy and deprive my daughter of grandparents but it can’t continue on like this as its starting to affect my mental health.
6 Replies
My way for dealing with people who can’t behave themselves is not having them around me.
So in this case I’d do everything in my power to stop visits when your husband isn’t there.
If they do have to visit I’d be prepared to clap back. So if they say something about sleeping through say ‘it’s normal for babies to not sleep through the night at this age, no matter how they are fed’. Speak up for yourself and your baby.
My MIL is constantly pulling my sons dummy from his gob (every time she sees him) doesn’t matter if I’ve just given it to him becasue he’s grumpy and tired. He only has it when he’s tired or grumpy. I told her he tried Vegemite toast one day and she turned her nose up and said something about never feeding her kids that rubbish/junk. On his first birthday he tried cake with icing for the first time and licked the plate because it must have been yummy. She said something about putting him down on the ground and letting him eat like a puppy dog if were gonna let him do that. I rolled my eyes at her and told her it was his first birthday and the cake must be good if he’s licking the plate clean. I also mentioned it was his first birthday and his first time eating cake with icing on it. Her husband my FIL always makes comments about the state of my floors I swept and mopped the day if his party and cleaned all the window sills and he was still critical of it all. I ignore them. That’s what you need to do. Ignore them and when they say anything say “I’ve spoken to the CHN and she says she’s perfectly fine, I’ll give you her number so she can educate you”
I had similar. But often people need an excuse for their own decisions. My mother in law criticised the fact I breast fed for 12 months. Critised and sabatoged my wish for my children to be sugar free as long as possible. Also have criticised my decision to hold back my April son. To name a few. It’s pathetic really. Makes her feel better about the decisions she has made!
My father in law always rode my children about their dummies. Remarks on my sons clothes that he feels his sandals or hair cut is for girls 😡 I actually can’t stand being in the room with them anymore but my son is now 5 and I now bite back at these comments! My tolerance is getting lower
If you can get used to thinking on the spot, things like "she's in the right weight range and hitting all her milestones", "they don't usually sleep through the night at this age, some lucky parents have babies that do (I was one of those) but certainly not the majority". You can absolutely use their critiques as an eye opener, as in they say you don't feed her enough so run a more critical eye over her and talk to you health practitioner about it for peace of mind (you are a first time mum after all and that's what they're there for). In no way does it make what they're doing better but it will help you compartmentise it when you see over and over that they're wrong.
If you're not used to on the spot comebacks a tried and tested "The science behind rearing children has evolved over the past (insert how many years for your partners age) and her weight/diet/sleep/vaccines (insert any other thing they bring up) is currently being monitored by our health nurse to current standards".
These measures will get you through the short term. Your partner has to tell them that it's not on and it's expected to stop or visits will be severely limited. The two of you in private decide on how long you'll give them to turn it around, don't demand it immediately as you really are teaching a pair of old dogs new tricks but set a time limit - maybe 3 months. And ENFORCE it. If they're rude pack up and go home. I don't care if you just got there, if you're meant to stay an hour or a week. You all go home. After the time limit is up if there's not been recognisable change it's time to re-evaluate what they'll actually bring to their grandchildren's lives besides judgement and never being good enough - bet your ass if they do it to you so willingly they'll fuck up and do it to the kids when they're unhappy with them too or they'll make the kids feel bad by talking to them about you.
You guys have all the power here, you just don't know it.
My mother in law used to be like this. She would criticise my cleaning and even had a rant at my messy table when I just had a family friend pass away the day before (which she knew about) one day I snapped and told her if she's so worried she can call DOCS about it. She never did.
What was your relationship with them like before your baby came along?
Was there always a bit of tension or animosity or did you get along relatively well before?
I only ask because it may come from a place of genuine care just bad delivery. I mean, look at it this way. Parenting has changed a lot since our parents and their parents were raising kids, some people are really stuck in their ways and seeing people (New parents particularly) doing things differently can seem wrong to them, add to that some grandparents have a really tough time taking the back seat and letting their children take on their new role as parents - acceptable boundaries can often be unintentionally crossed.
So, my advice.
If your relationship with them was good at one point, next time you feel a critiquing coming on take back some of the power and say something like this.
"We are confident in our parenting choices. When you say things like this i feel like I'm being criticized, it makes me feel inadequate and I begin to second guess myself. I know you don't do it intentionally to upset me but I would appreciate it if you could offer advice and guidance in a supportive way".
If the relationship with them has always been a bit shithouse, limit your time with them to only when hubby is around too and try and forget about it. They're probably just miserable people if this is the case!