I am struggling a little bit with our blended family. Does anyone have any websites, books, links, advice.... ANYTHING on this subject? It just seems like its my kids, his kid, and OUR kid. He favors his child, I try and keep them equal.... Its so hard. Help!
16 Replies
Going through this now but theres no 'our' kid. No advice but following.
In my experience no matter how much you want it to change it probably won’t. The parent will always favour their biological child over their step child. They can love them but they won’t have the same love and bond that they have with their own child.
Yes thats true, I will always love and have that special bond with my biological children. However, I DON'T agree with the comparisons between kids or the favoring of their child over the others, especially in a disagreement. They should all be treated equally.
I feel your pain. I think it’s often compounded when the custody arrangements differ and one child is only there a short time. We have 2 our babies, I have 3 children 80% of time and his son EOW. It’s ridiculous the lengths he will go to when his son arrives, it’s like royalty, plan a special meal, special outing, buy him toys, even as far as we cannot have sex because suddenly “the children might hear us”. Suffice to say the our babies were not conceived on a night he was with us. I’ve tried every way I can think of to try and get him to calm it down but after 8 years I just give up and the kids have realised too, we just do our own thing until his royal highness has left. It’s not forever
Referring to your step child as royal highness is a pretty shit thing to say, it’s not the kids fault dad acts like that. Also, I hope you don’t speak about the child like that in front of the other kids, what a way to divide them. Step child probably wonders why other kids aren’t close, doesn’t know he is getting royal treatment, probably thinks that’s the way it always is and he doesn’t know about the lack of sex.
Get back under your bridge troll. there’s no problems in my house. It is the way it is and I just accept it and move on. I don’t need to you to point out the blatantly obvious, of course he doesn’t know and of course it’s not his fault. He gets 100% of his dad When he’s here so excellent deal for both of them. We get him the rest of the time. For the OP I was simply giving our blended family example.
Far out - step parent troll back in action
Sorry didn’t mean to troll, it’s just that my son is the step kid so just a little sensitive I guess 😂😂😂. Good luck with everything.
When you are not the main caregiver and there has been a fight for time with the child then its pretty common to try and make your place somewhere the child wants to come to. We are guilty of doing all this when my step child comes, its not because we love him more it's because it is a real struggle to get him here because his mum is trying to turn him away from his Dad so we save all the special things for when he's with us. We would never buy things for one and not the others though, its all equal but done when he is here.
Im the troll who didn’t mean to be a troll lol I would never try to turn my son against his dad and I always try to encourage visitation; however, I don’t think he gets royal treatment and I don’t think he should!
I think my partner feels guilty that he's essentially parenting our baby more than his daughter, as she is only with us every 2nd weekend.
He doesn't treat his daughter like royalty exactly, but he does seem to complain/bring up issues about my kids more so than his daughter.
He disciplines his daughter when she does wrong, but she knows he loves her because he also gives her plenty of affection.
He disciplines MY children but they don't get the affection.
That’s a bit sad....but living day in day out....you see the worst behaviour, but they need his affection too. His daughter is probably much better behaved at your place,I think my son doesn’t give his dad the attitude he gives me 😂
I always wonder why people are quick to add “our” to the situation when the “his” and “hers” aren’t blended and sorted yet, just complicates things.
If someone treated my kids as second class citizens, after it had been a while and all was settled, I would be out the door. Living like that leaves scars on kids and does stuff to their psyche. Ask any kids that were treated less than equal from their live in step dad, there is a lot of resentment there, also directed at the mother for allowing it.
I would have one last sit down with him and if he cant see your point of view, I would say see ya. At least you know if you leave him and he gets another gf with kids, yours will be treated well.
I wouldnt expect the love/bond to be the same as with biological kids,but I wouldn’t accept open favouritism.
Often because there isn’t a problem with his and hers until there is ours and you cannot predict it will cause a problem. Didn’t cause an issue with me and mine but did cause an issue with his. Sometimes it’s because of the age difference or the children’s background, how the family embrace the change. It’s like any family, you don’t just throw your hands in the air and leave, you work on it, you fight hard to save your marriage and create a happy home for everyone.
When you have kids and repartner, it’s more complicated, for your kids welfare and mental health, you have to be REAL sure the man treats your kids right. They only get one childhood and they deserve to be treated with respect and as equals. It’s up to their mother to protect them and make sure he has the character and integrity to be a step father to them.
Things actually got tough when we added 'ours'. I think he feels guilty because he is technically parenting our baby more so than his daughter. We would have her more often but she lives nearly an hour away so its just not practical.
My kids see his daughter showered with affection, so even though he does discipline her, she has the reassurance that he loves her.
My children don't get the physical affection from him, so even though he disciplines them, they doubt whether he even likes them sometimes (he does).
It’s not right what he does, but I understand better what you are saying about when adding ours and having unexpected problems. Good luck, I hope things get better.