My sister has anxiety and I believe she’s on the spectrum. High functioning if anything. I have children on the spectrum and have been picking up on her behaviours since I had my second child (becasue I recognised them) she’s mid 20’s and successful enough. She works multiple jobs whilst her lazy husband does sweet fuck all. She and my mum brought a house (half and half) her husband and her have been together since about 15/16. He lived right next door to our family home. With his step mum and dad (his step mum made it very clear he wasn’t wanted and he suffered from severe depression as a teen) now my question is. What do you do about an awful step MIL who’s doing everything in her power to ensure the relationship between my sister her husband and her FIL is crappy and barely there. She’s told my sister that she can’t tell her younger children (her husbands siblings) that her and her husband are married (they came to the wedding) and has said they will never call her husband brother or her a sister or even sister in law. Becasue it’s too confusing. She’s told my sister she’s not apart of their family. Even though she’s the one to buy their birthday presents, Easter eggs, Christmas presents etc (again becasue her husband has no job and doesn’t/won’t go out and find one and unless the job is given to him and the employers seek him out, he quit his job weeks before their wedding and they’ve been married only a few years) my sister and her husband are wanting to start a family (I have no idea how they’ll afford it given she’ll need to have time off from work and she is the only one that works in their relationship, they’ll probably bludge off of mum even though she’s under enough stress as it is) she’s told her that when they have a child their children will not call it a niece or nephew and she won’t allow them to be called Aunty and Uncle (becasue of their age) my sister was an Aunty at 4 (our older sister is older than her by a fair bit) she’s been called Aunty for as long as she can remember and it’s never affected her at all. Her and my oldest niece have a lovely bond from growing up together. This Christmas She tried to organise a get together with her husbands family almost a month in advance. Being as flaky as they are they called her on Christmas Eve and begrudgingly invited her and her husband to dinner and told her all of this. Accepted the presents she brought for them. (They wouldn’t have been cheap) and laid all this out for her. I feel for her as she doesn’t understand why her Step MIL is such a mega bitch. On that note. I don’t either. What advice do I give her to help her. She has a number of nieces and nephews in our family already. She loves them even if she’s awkward with them.
On a different note. You women out there who marry a man with older children who not only treat your step children with such disrespect, cut them off from their father, make it as hard as possible for them to see them why on earth do you damn well do it. This really needs to stop. You are damaging relationships with parents and making it harder for the children even if they are older. I have no doubt this woman treated my BIL so badly that his depression was as severe as it was as a teen. He knew he was unwanted not just by her but his own mother as well who dumped him with his dad at the start of puberty who then would dump him with his grandmothers/grand fathers for this woman. I also blam him but that’s another story. My sister and her husband are actually lovely people and my sister is such a hard worker. I wish my sister would just cut out his family and stop trying to prioritise them. She’s missed out on Christmas with her family becasue she tried to accomodate her husbands family and they didn’t show up and called 40 mins after they were supposed to be there to say they weren’t coming and wouldn’t be there. My family came to my house which is a fair distance from where they actually live. She’s too nice and easy to walk all over. I feel for her.
2 Replies
My step mum did the same thing, 20 year age difference between my dad and her and she was embarrassed to have step kids that weren't much younger than her. My little sisters are the same ages as my kids and my neices and nephews. She told us our kids weren't allowed to call her kids Aunties so I always made sure thats what I referred to them as, " Here Jack share this with your Aunty Emily"😂. The girls actually loved that they were aunties it was only my step mother with the problem.
Sounds like your sister and her husband really need to find some distance with his family. I think your Bil should see a counselor and get some professional help to get his self worth off the ground, that sounds like the problem here. He won't do it with his step mum constantly reminding him how unimportant he is though.
Sister and BIL need to stop looking for a relationship with his family. They are toxic for them. Your sister takes presents and in return is made to feel awful. I guess the best thing you can do for your sister is be her friend. Invite her places or have lunch or a coffee with her. She will never see her self worth without a strong positive connection in her life. You could be that for her. Don't constantly tell her what she is doing wrong, but talk to her and get to know each other.