This is more a release than a question.
Being a step mum is hard. I love my step daughters so much. I can’t imagine my life now without them in it but lately things are getting hard and I assume it’s because they are getting older (and so am I). They are girls who are 13 and 11.
Nothing I do is ever good enough. I do everything for them when they are with us.
Today is just another example of nothing I do for them is good enough. I washed my eldest step daughters clothes. Normally she won’t let me but they’ve been with us for 5 days and they are dirty. She would normally take them home but she’s with us another 3 days and I don’t want her being dirty. I know right. How evil of me! So my husband got her clothes from her room and I washed them last night. We got a big storm last night while they were on the line so I ran out in the rain and got them off and put them in the dryer for half an hour and now she’s not taking to me and her mother is messaging my husband telling me off for touching her clothes. Apparently I’ve shrunk them and nothing fits her now. It was seriously half an hour.
It seems so petty (and it is) but it’s a constant battle. I always shut up. I never speak up. But I’m constantly never good enough.
I know blended families aren’t easy and I would never give up but I just don’t know how to shift it. There’s always something I’m doing wrong.
My husband sticks up for me respectfully to the girls so he isn’t the problem. It’s sbsokutely their mum. She’s hated me from day 1 and she has no reason to. We’ve been married four years. I don’t mistreat them. I literally do everything to make them feel at home when they are home. I love them and care for them like they were my own.
Hopefully one day they will appreciate me and see I’m not so bad. Sigh.
22 Replies
I'm going through the same thing with 13 year old step son. Mum hates me. Nothing I do is good enough, lunches, dinners anything. I don't do anything for him anymore because of it. I treat him with respect because everyone deserves that, I also make sure he does not miss out on anything that the other kids get. We have the phone issue too where he texts his mum if someone farts in his direction, mum is texting dad about it. Since she is texting about you I think that gives you the go ahead to text her back since its now your business. It just adds stress where there doesn't need to be. I would get hubby to make it a rule that they need to do their own washing from now on, not just wear dirty clothes or take dirty stuff home. All my kids and step kids do their own. I don't understand how some women actually encourage their kids to be little brats, I would never allow my kids to be disrespectful to their step mother or interfere in things that happen at Dads, especially over something as petty as washing. What kind of clothes has she got that they all shrink in the dryer anyway?? I can't even remember the last time that happened and we are a family of 6 using the dryer all the time. She could be over exaggerating.
It’s a tough gig and until they mature it will be. I don’t bother now and if your husband has your back let it go. If they want to be dirty let them and tell them your sorry your not use to people wearing dirty clothes and was only thinking of them. Let them do their own and get their own
You shrunk her clothes?!? I kind of don’t blame her and mum probably had to fork out god knows how much for them, knowing thirteen year olds, they like what they like. Have you apologised for shrinking her clothes to your step daughter and her mum?
As an adult, I’d be pissed too, but a thirteen year old doesn’t have the tact to deal with it. If she were your 13 year old daughter, I think she would react the same, but she wouldn’t have a mum to text and make the issue bigger. I usually either put clothes on warm, not hot or bring clothes horse under cover and dry that way.
I don’t think you would call it petty if it were your clothes!
Was about to type the exact same thing. I will add though, it's probably also about not being heard too.
She specifically asked you not to wash her clothes but you went against her wishes and did it anyway, resulting in shrunk clothes.
Picking your battles is important with kids this age group, would it have really mattered if her clothes didn't get washed? She'd either have to put up with it or learn to bring more next time!
Maybe you need to do a little less for them in general but for this particular incident, I think you need to apologise.
Have any of you even got teenagers? They stink and it is really unhygienic to wear clothes more than once. If girls don't have periods they usually have discharge. 4 teenagers here and I would not have them wear anything more than once. If the girls don't want step mum washing their clothes (which is really strange in itself, this says to me that mum does not want step mum to take on a 'carer' role with them) then they need to wash their own clothes. Its not up to bio mum to dictate hygiene in their household.
Calm down. Obviously they don't want her washing the clothes, so they are going to dramatise this situation. I really don't believe the clothes were shrunk, most fabrics these days can handle the dryer it would be just her making a drama out of a non issue. The step daughter should be apologising to her step mum for treating her like that. Bio mum took only her step daughters word for the situation and then blasted Dad.
I find the opposite personally in terms of fabrics coping with being put in the dryer! As in none cope and very few garments actually are dryer safe
Ok so...
A. I never put my kids own clothes in the dryer because everything gradually shrinks and I just find they lose their shape, so I'd be really annoyed if someone put my clothes in the dryer (even if the intention was good, like it obviously was here).
B. When I was 15, my lovely step mother would ask if I had anything that needed washing, mostly I would decline just as a matter of privacy (as teenaged girls tend to value that) and she'd do this crazy thing where she would listen to me and leave my shit alone!!!
Realistically, I'm sure there's a lot more to this relationship and I can see that the OP isn't some wicked step mum out to ruin their lives, she obviously cares. I just think to move forward from this incident she should take some ownership.
As a bio mum, I never wanted clothes washed at the other parents house for the reason that they never all came back. Pj tops, not bottoms, one sock etc. and when ex moved or did a clean out, I would get all these clothes back that no longer fitted and that I had forgotten about. It was really annoying. Could this be the case?
Couldn’t you have just washed underwear if for hygienic reasons?
I recently bought a dress at Kmart, washed it in warm water and it shrunk, I’ve only ever worn it once, so annoyed.
I use the dryer for everything. On hot. Very rarely hang them up on the line because the dogs think they're toys. In the past 10 years I can only think of 1 item that has shrunk. However, the weave of denim jeans will tighten slightly, though it relaxes back after being worn for about 10 minutes. I doubt the clothes are actually shrunk. If mum doesn't want clothes being washed, then mum should pack enough to last. Personally, I would struggle to pack that much for my kids though. I'd be annoyed if their clothes weren't washed at their dads.
Exactly, I use it all the time too and can't even remember the last time something was shrunk. Some things come out tighter because of the heat but goes back to normal once it has cooled.
Save yourself the heart ache just stop doing stuff for her. I’m sure this is just one example and I think you are exactly right that it’s an age thing and bio mum interferring. Let dad take care of their needs and wait for them to come to you. Wash their own clothes, cook their own meals. Your intentions to help them and your partner will land you on hot water for now at least. Just be clear with your partner about the path you are choosing to take.
But you say 'how awful of me' when yes I know its doing washing, but you're sneaking into her room and doing something anyway when she had said she doesnt want you to do.
You should step back and stop doing everything. If she stinks her father needs to parent that.
Um read it again. Dad went in and got the washing. It obviously is Dad’s wishes to not have stinky daughters.
So why's she writing in with this problem? Honestly some people just want to argue...
I’m sure dad was prompted by step mum to get the clothes, I’m sure he didn’t give it a second thought. I wear loose cotton dresses and often wear the same one twice, not sure what the big deal is. Did you check if she has enough underwear for eight days? She may have enough, hence not wanting you to wash her clothes.
Jeez how much did her clothes shrink if ‘nothing fits her now’. I can see why she and her mum are pissed off . They’ll all need replacing then , and really , you should help contribute since you shrunk them . You were only trying to help but if they don’t fit her now it’s only right that you chip in to buy more .
Just don't wash the clothes. In future if necessary get dad to tell mum to drop in with clean clothes and take the dirty ones home. Crisis over.
It's really not worth the drama so don't feed into bio mums bullshit.
I’d personally give them their own washing hamper.
If it’s full - they can wash their own clothes, old enough to complain = old enough to take charge.
If mum wants the clothes sent home - send them home mid week for her to wash 🤷♀️.
Great idea
I don't think you shrunk the clothes. Sounds like just petty behavior. Being a step mum is tough. You do well to treat them like yours - hat off to you! I struggle having 2 of my own as well and 2 that aren't. Sometimes they just are hard to love. Be proud your doing well at a tough job!
I moved to the other side of the country to help my partner look after our children, because bio mum wanted “a break”. I am the full time stepmum of a 14 & 12 year old. I love them and do everything for them and treat them like my own. Their Mum has spoken to me for probably a maximum of 2 hours and I’ve lived with them for 4 years. She puts shit in their head & doesn’t even know what goes on in our household cause she is absent. She sees them once a year, her choice. Their Dad gives me incredible support, but it’s not easy. Just love them and choose your battles! One day when they are old enough they will realise what you do for them. I know exactly how you feel. You are doing a great job Mum!!