My daughter isn’t speaking to me at present. She’s 18 and doesn’t live at home. At the moment she lives with her boyfriend and his mother and is working. Next year she’s heading to Melbourne for University and will be living with her father and his partner.
We had a falling out when she was 17, about me sleeping with a much younger man with whom she was acquainted. I realise this was a poor choice on my part and have apologised to her for it, many times.
She also thinks I am a lousy mother because I’m not strict enough with her brothers as far as discipline is concerned.
I haven’t done anything terrible as far as I am concerned, as I work, I don’t have a string of men through the house, I don’t smoke, rarely drink (never at home) or do drugs, etc.
She has utterly refused to speak to me at all, didn’t ring or even send a text for Christmas last year, Mother’s Day or my birthday etc. On her 18th I took $500 to her house as a present, and she said thank you and has not spoken to me since. Certainly wasn’t asked to her party. Her father, who lives in Melbourne (we’re in Gippsland) came though.
I’m thinking about Christmas. Am I a dreadful person if I just send her a card and nothing else? Should I make the effort because she’s my daughter, even though she doesn’t care?
Trouble with daughter
Trouble with daughter
Posted in:
Self Care, Behaviour, Teenagers, Tips and Advice
10 Replies
I guess it depends on whether you want her back in your life eventually or to behave like a petty child. Sorry, but a card to your own child is kind of ruder than giving nothing. You f'ed up and it will take time for her to forgive you. If you start getting petty you may as well walk away because it will only make things worse.
Part of being an adult and a parent is understanding emotions in a grown up way.
She stopped speaking to you because she cares. Not because she doesn’t care. She feels hurt by you.
There is much more to being a good parent than the things you’ve mentioned and I suspect you just aren’t getting what she has tried to communicate.
The world would have to explode to stop me sending something for my child at Christmas or there birthday. A card to say you love her and miss her and are there whenever she needs, would be the least I’d do.
You've written in about this issue before, unless I am mistaken and it's just a coincidence.
I gave advice back then, that probably wasn't heeded, but my advice is going to be similar again now.
It is your job as a parent to show you care, regardless of the situation and even if your relationship is strained. A really heartfelt card and a small gift, is a nice gesture.
She cares, my word does she care but she's hurt. If you want to continue down this path, send her nothing but a card. If you want a chance of repairing your relationship at some point, send her something meaningful that tells her you love her.
I would give her something that has sentimental value, like a piece of old jewelry or something, with a well written letter explaining your wrongs and why you did it. I guess really the actual act might not have been wrong but the flow on affect might have negatively impacted her life. Maybe he was partnered? Maybe this caused trouble for her in her circle of friends? Maybe she copped abuse online for it and was humiliated? Try and recognise what she was feeling at the time. Good luck, Christmas time is so hard without the ones we love.
Same as last time......Money won’t buy your daughters love, not abusing substances won’t buy your daughters love, acknowledging your parenting mistakes (I don’t mean sleeping with the young guy either) and making the necessary changes will gain back her respect and love. You need to own it first, which you still aren’t doing, be a better parent to her siblings or I can’t see this moving forward any time soon. Didn’t you recently go away for the weekend and the babysitter didn’t turn up and she called cps? If that’s the case, incidents like this are only going to make it worse. Stop making excuses and look within.
If I remember this, it was her ex? There was a lot more to it and there was a lot more to the breakdown in your relationship.
You need to work to build a relationship. You don't need to throw money at it. You need to show that you always think of her and care and more than anything she will want to see you acknowledge what's happened and learn and change. You can do this with a card and a call, but you said in your opinion you haven't done anything wrong.
I think you're confusing this with another post? I seem to remember that the male in question wasn't anyone particular but that the daughter was fed up with mum's flakiness overall which was why her siblings being at home with no adult while mum was on her way to a romantic weekend away resulted in authorities being called. I could be wrong, but I get the impression that the mum had her daughter young and never learnt to grow up.
I remember your previous posts about this. You need to wait for her to come to you and move on.
She had called DHS on you hadn’t she?
Look saying sorry and apologising isn’t going to fix it, the only thing that may fix what you did is time. You need to let her have it. My son hurt his sister the other day on purpose and said “sorry” and expected it to be fixed 🙄 just like that. I scrunched up a piece of paper and said sorry to the paper and asked him if it fixed the paper. He said no. I reminded him every time he hurt his sister and was nasty to her for no reason he is effectively doing to his sister what I did to the paper.
You don’t even have to send your daughter a Christmas card if you don’t want to. However if you are wishing to make amends sending her a card is always the ice breaker and a real mum will keep trying to fix what they’ve broken. Even if it means things are not reciprocated back. A card and a letter on how your year has been and how much you miss her is all that’s required, no check, no money etc the same with birthdays and Easter.
She’s told you how to repair things...
Get some counselling. Grow up. Be a better parent. Be different. Simples