Hi I am looking for some advice, my partner has his son 6 nights a fortnight and half of school holidays there is a court order. My partner was meant to pick his son up today for his half of the school holidays but his ex rang at 2:30 and said that his son is upset and does not want to come to my partner house my partner has reminded her there is a court order and said he understand that he is upset as we have a bed time and rules at our house. His ex is saying well she can’t make him come so she won’t do anything unless my partner sits down and talks to her about him dropping days down to 2 days a fortnight my partner is not happy to do that due to a lot of things one being he has had over 50 days of school due to him not wanting to go . My partner is not sure what to do from here .
41 Replies
So the kid has had the equivilant of a whole term off of school. He needs to go back to court and get full custody of the kid and give her six nights a fortnight and half of each holidays. Just remind her again that there are court orders and if she doesn’t comply she’s risking her custody as judges don’t like mums that don’t follow orders or who let kids skeive off of school just because they don’t want to go. That’s all he can do really.
Before you get petty. Sit down and have a conversation. Maybe work out why he is having so much time off. Work out how you can support him.
My partner knows why it’s because he doesn’t like school and he is aloud to play his Xbox
Maybe work on why he doesn’t like school. Also mum only has him 2 days more than you. You can’t blame all his bad behaviour on mum! Try working as a team!
The only time he doesn’t go is in his mums care he is very well behaved and he doesn’t like school because he wants to play his Xbox
When you can’t see any fault on your side you will never truly get a resolution! Self reflection is very important! No one is perfect! And you share care. So you can’t just throw your hands up and blame mum. It’s not fair!
My partner has tried everything he didn’t want anything to go to court but it had to because she wouldn’t let his son see him for a year my partner has tried to give her everything but now he is at a loss due to not knowing where to go from here
I'm going to say it as I see it. You sound hood winked. You partner sounds like he's presented himself to you as a "victim" and you've brought it hook , line and sinker and now you are running around trying to "fix" his problems. You know the type of individuals that do that, narcissists. I don't buy this story he's told you for a second. There's a reason the mother withheld the child. She'd know her ex far better than you would at this stage. No mother with a sane co-parent doesn't want time off and happily shares the child! NO MOTHER!!! There's far more to this picture. The fact it got all the way to "court orders" screams one of the parties is high conflict and just by the fact he's got you saying things like "he didn't want to take it to court but her had to...... screams 'attempting to play the innocent victim" volumes. He's got a 3rd party trying to "fix" this for him...... that's text book behaviour of what an individual with NPD ( narcissistic personality disorder) does!! Sorry, but make sure you partner isn't lying, fabricating stories and conning you. If he's a covert narcissist, one day he'll turn on you too.
Really doubt that’s the full reason but sure just go with that 😕
You’re an idiot. This partner is telling the truth. The leading cause of truancy is gaming. Why the hell would he want to go to school when he can stay home have mum cater for him and sit and play the games he loves.
Just out of curiosity, where did you get these so called facts about "gaming being the leading cause of truancy"? If you had actually any factual idea what you were talking about, as opposed to just an anecdotal opinion, you would know that truancy rates are most highly associated with mental health, social and behaviour issues and environmental issues (such as poverty and abuse).
Tech is not the problem here, it's the fact that these adults either cannot or will not communicate effectively or work as a team.
Not my anecdotal opinion but that of Dr Carr-Gregg who has recently conducted a study in to gaming. Did you also know that sufffering from depression and anxiety is one of the leading causes of gaming addiction which is now a recognised addiction under DSM? If you have a kid with anxiety and depression the LAST thing you should be doing is allowing him to stay home game for the day. The dad and his partner have shown every good intention to avoid this whilst bio mum sits back waves her hands “it’s too hard ,I just let him do what he wants”.
I agree. In saying this if one party has a personality disorder and is high conflict ( basically counter parenting ) then the sane parent basically is banging their head against a wall trying to communicate with this person. Individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder HATE their partners that leave them or get away from their control and turn on them. With a narcissistic, unless you are doing their dirty work for them, as I believe this father has got his new partner doing, they hate you.
Wow just wow I was just asking for advice my partner has really tried everything since Thursday he has tried calling everyday to tell his son he loves him but his ex tells him to fuck off again this little boy was stopped by his mum from seeing his dad that it had to go to court for them to be able to see each other this will now be the 3rd year that my partner and his son won’t see each other for Christmas and his ex knows that not a thing can be done to the new year
I’m curious to know how long you have been with your partner? Do you only have his version of events of the last few years? There’s probably way more to the story than you know.
My advice. Get you partner to do a PET brain scan and psychological evaluation. He is playing the poor innocent victim and has con you into doing his dirty work for him and spending your time trying to "fix" his problems. It's what individuals with NARCISISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER do!!! They target people who they can fool, good people who want to "help"...... My advice to you is RUN. Get the hell away from him. If he's a narcissist, he'll be also a pathological liar, cheater and emotionally abusive. If you find yourself in a few years ( when you don't believe what I'm telling you ) walking on egg shells...... and have gone from being put on a pedestal by you current partner to not being able to do anything "right" don't say you weren't warned about him. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS INDIVIDUAL. Or you will learn first hand what his ex is actually really going through and if he's a narc, it'll be HELL.
Very judgmental!! Not every step parent is evil. In fact it takes more to be a caring step parent. She is asking for help. Your condescending tone won’t help.
Thank you Lisa , I have had a big cry after reading some off the things on here I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have tried everything to be smooth for everyone. We are not sure what to do anymore as his ex stopped him in the past from seeing his son now it’s all happening again but she is saying it’s his son yet she won’t let him talk to him on the phone now.
You say you've had a big cry. Okay, so that tells me you are an empathic person, emotional. You know who narcissitcs men target, those who want to "fix" things, those who are emotional and empathetic. Those that will give them sympathy and do their bidding for them. They gather in third parties to side with them. Your partner has had your time and attention focused on trying to "fix" his problems for the past 8 years? I bet he's sitting back, smirking and loving every minute of having you conned into believing his "innocent" story. I would organise a coffee date with the mother yourself and hear her side, without your husbands "twist" on it. There's probably far more to this story that you are being told or know about.
Why is he a narcissist? What evidence do you have?
Call police and report a breach.maybe kindly let her know he will do that but she has the option of dropping child and helping him settle in. Let her know hes willing to support and help, but not dropping days and will report her for breaking the contract. I think sometimes they just hope the other parent won't follow through.
thank you will let him know, we tried that to the point we said she could join us for dinner to see if that would help. She flat out said no and that she will not make him come I should add he has only just turned 9
You will let him know? I'm sorry but have you heard of a flying monkey? You are reporting back to him?. Is your partner immature? Do you sometimes feel more like you are in a mother role? Does your life revolve around him, even if this is done willingly? Does he take up most of your time? Does he always refer to the two of you as a team? When you first met him did he charm you, the relationship was like a fairy tale? Did it move fast? Bombarded with text messages and love bombing? Move in quickly together? If so, and you are wondering how I know all this... google NPD ( narcissistic personality disorder ) Your whole story of what you are saying and how the mother is withholding screams of it.
Why doesn't your partner let him bring his xbox to his house now its school holidays, maybe thats why he is reluctant to go? How old is he? My partners 13 year old son probably wouldn't come to our place if there wasn't an xbox here, sad but you pick your battles! Happy kid usually equals no dramas. Your partner needs to have a chat to his son to find out what the problem is exactly. Sometimes loosening the reigns a little and giving some control back to the child makes the world of difference. It's not very fun staying somewhere that is too strict and you're constantly nervous of slipping up.
So true. Is it close enough for dad to go over and visit and have a chat with him? Talk and make a plan about coming tomorrow?
Yes, my son wants to go where the wifi is....😂😂😂bet he def doesn’t want to go because of Xbox. Let him have some time playing it, even play with him.
Why should he. If that’s the rules at dads house that’s the rules. My kids have every gaming device at their dads, never comes to my house, I have major custody and it’s never been an issue. I’m I. The business of raising resilient children not little brats that have every whim catered too.
Great but kids are individuals. If ones really struggling with change and this will help, why not help him instead of dragging him through it. Studies show that treating children with respect produces the best developmental outcomes. That's not how brats are made, as Forcing unwillingly does not improve resilience.
Catering to every whim or just acknowledging he is a person with his own belongings? You are your childrens main caregiver so this is completely different, they don't see your place as a choice its home. Ops step child probably feels like a visitor at Dads place so why not let him feel more comfortable and have the game there too? Your ex probably has all the games at his place for the same reason. And I'm in the business of raising kids who can be independent and make their own decisions and with 2 already in adulthood and doing pretty good I reckon my business is going really good.
I agree, completely different when mum is the primary caregiver, this is a completely different scenario. The whole “we have rules at our house” argument usually equals child is not comfortable there, doesn’t feel at home, for whatever reason. If son and dad had a strong bond, son felt at home there, son would want to go there, it’s that simple really. Instead of blaming mum, who is unwillingly to force her child, look at ways of building the bond and love and making son comfortable at your house. Give son and mum a break, stop ringing, give them a breather, some space and approach it in a week. Has the kid just broken up from school? Let him relax at home, where he feels comfortable, you have the whole school holidays to get some time and enforce your rules on him.
Also, do you know the reason why mum wants to reduce the custody agreement? Have you even asked her reasons? Can you assist if son is struggling?
constantly nervous of slipping up / walking on egg shells..... text book behaviour of a narcissistic parent who is covertly abusive ( psychologically / emotionally )
Maybe he needs to think of the child before he gets all agro over the child not wanting to go this one time. Children have feelings too. You have not mentioned this has happened before so I'm saying he is overreacting. Maybe this moving around is all too much for the poor boy and mum is the only one who can see the stress it's putting on him. It's not easy to force a child to go somewhere. They kick and scream. She probably had been under so much stress all day trying to get him to go. Trying to get my son to go to school is like trying to move a rhino. It's so fucken stressful and no one understands. Maybe this kid is being bullied at school or is struggling?
Completely agree with this.
I can remember not wanting to go to my dad's, it was mainly because the constant coming and going was disruptive to my life.
It also sounds like mum needs some more support, I've had to drag my son to school kicking and screaming lately because of some school issues and other things going on in his life. It's absolutely heart breaking as a mum seeing my child that distraught about going to school so a few times I've caved and let him stay home.
Maybe instead of bitching at mum about the boys attendance and the visitation schedule, he could sit down with her and have a conversation. Get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to come, work together to make a plan to get his school attendance up. This should be done before going down more drastic paths (like involving the police or other authorities).
Lastly, everyone involved here needs to fight for what's in the best interests of the child, I'm not convinced anyone is doing that currently.
or bullied and narcissistically abused by the over controlling father?
It sounds like mum is exhausted with the fight of getting him to school to his fathers so she just caves. I get it is exhausting and sometime easier just to cave. However this isnt doing the child any good. I think dad needs to have a really good chat with mum, not in an attacking way but in a way that tells her she isnt alone he has her back. If the child doesnt want to school then mum needs to lean on dad for support and he needs to give it to her without judgement/questions/ or anger.
At this age they learn which parent is the one easier to cave...hell I did it and my kids have done it.
I'm wondering whether there is something else going on? Kids who are highly motivated by computer games and hate school are often ADHD. 1 in 20 boys are, my son included. As a result, my son gets xbox for up to an hour maximum on weekends and only if his emotional regulation is OK. But trust me when I say the melt downs are very hard not to give in to. The thing is, he had 22 days off school this term because he was a big ball of anxiety and Aggression... Throw in trying to concentrate and he would lose it. My son is getting b's and c's but he should be straight a's if he was capable of coping at school. For now though, he's not. So we keep working on building the skills he needs. I'm wondering whether your step son finds school hard like that too but finds computer games calming because they flood his brain with serotonin? For now, arrive at their house and pick him up. But booking a paediatrician assessment down the track might help you get to the bottom of what else is going on, because missing school and missing seeing friends to play games, whilst it might seem like every child's dream, really isn't what most kids would actually want. Please not that I may be very wrong so if you don't think his ability to focus/complete tasks he doesn't enjoy is an issue, ignore this. It's just worth at least considering.
How about he actually sit down and talk with the mother- just the two of them. Sounds like Mum is probably dealing with a lot and only wants the best for her and your partners child.
Personally I’d stay out of it, let him make choices for his child.
I’ve had children not want to see their dad and said the same as you “it’s because we have rules etc...” no it’s 100% not! It’s children being sick of going from one house to the next , they sometimes just want to be home, and that may not be at yours and you need to step back and respect that. Mum is doing the right thing by not forcing the child.. I wish you could see that
Kids are themselves and naughty with the ones they are closest to as they know they have unconditional love. My child is a saint at daddy’s......not so much at home! I have a child around your age and thankfully his father never pushes if he doesn’t want to come. At that age, you can’t really make them, it’s not in their best interests, itmwill just cause resentment.
At the end of the day i think people just need to except that their children are different for each parent and know how to play them off.
Everyone can easily say talk to rhe child about what bothers them about school or different houses but they dramatize it. Of course any kid would rather spend more time with the parent that lets them call all the shots. I know I would. Theres no point of cutting time down with one parent unless there is there is a particular reason for this (excessive drinking, drugs, abuse, neglect, etc) if the mother and father are so concerned about what is happening in the childs head go get a mental health plan, stick to it, both attend the appointments, work something out. These things can go either way! Child growing up pissed off they had to be with dad more than what they wanted to or thinking why didnt they fight harder for me. So many children are turbulent with their emotions so at this point you guys need to negotiate something slightly less or just stick with it. Moving times and days drastically can do just as much damage as keeping them.
And whoever wrote before you get petty how can you even say that about a father wanting to see his own child. Disgusting.
Really feel for you and your partner. I also have a court order, because of my ex taking me to court. From experience there is no point phoning the police, they can't do anything. You can contact your solicitor and report the breach and go to court but not sure how much that will do either tbh. Hope everything works out for you! My kids often don't want to go I tell them too bad, you have to go it's court ordered - there is no choice.