I think my partner is depressed, he has been losing a lot of weight recently, doesn’t sleep and is mostly sharp and snappish over little things. He comes home and only talks to our son,avoids me. Every time I try to speak to him he walks away and it does hurt a lot. I try my best to be calm non confrontational and just talk but he is always “at war” with me my feelings are a lie, everything I say is wrong etc... so I give up and leave him alone. I try my best to not upset him I take care of 100% of the household chores, I don’t complain that he throws his towel and clothes all over the floor daily, I take care of all my sons needs, I never ask for money, he meets up with his friends one night per week but I encourage him to go out more often, he takes weekends away from us and I don’t complain I just feel I’m trying my best to make him happy and he just hates me. He doesn’t like to speak to me so I give him space. It’s all getting too much for me I don’t know what I should do or what is reasonable to do.
Husband depressed
Husband depressed
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Self Care
30 Replies
Affair?
I know this is going to come across harsh and I honestly don’t mean it to, but it sounds like he is more unhappy in the relationship than depressed. Maybe you could suggest couples counseling? It isn’t fair or nice that he is treating you like this, maybe you both need to take a few steps back and reassess?
He doesn’t want counseling, I’ve asked. I even offered for me and my son to leave if it would make him happy because I just want him to be happy he says we can and his fine with it but then starts going on about his taking full custody and he will call the police if I take the car. So I really don’t know what he wants 😟
He doesn’t want counseling, I’ve asked. I even offered for me and my son to leave if it would make him happy because I just want him to be happy he says we can and his fine with it but then starts going on about his taking full custody and he will call the police if I take the car. So I really don’t know what he wants 😟
I would leave, this is not a two way relationship. You are the only one giving and he is being an asshole.
I just try so hard to keep everything together but I don’t think he even cares about me. And I guess I feel trapped, I’m not sure what else to do. I don’t want to leave someone who has mental health issues because you should love in good times and bad but this has been going on for over a year now and I don’t have much more hope
The whole "for better or worse" notion does not mean you need to live with this behaviour. It will inevitably wear you down until you don't even recognise yourself anymore!
That's not normal behaviour and you should not be tip toeing around him!
You need to sit down with him and have a proper conversation, you cannot live like this and you need to know why he is treating you so poorly? Can this be fixed with relationship counselling or is there something more going on? Is he unhappy in the relationship and does he want it to end, if he doesn't want it to end, he needs to fix his shit up and start being a better husband.
I'd give him the ultimatum personally, if within 4 weeks he hasn't addressed his behaviour he needs to move out.
He won’t go to counseling. He won’t talk when I talk he walks out and that’s that. I’m a SAHM so he knows I can’t just leave. I’ve tried to get a job but when the time for interviews come he says he will watch our son but doesn’t show up. I’m happy to be independent and look after myself and son but I feel he doesn’t want that. I don’t have much support of someone else that can watch my son during the day so I have to rely on him. Anytime I say anything he goes into war mode so I don’t bother even the smallest things make him go at me. And if I leave he says he wants full custody etc and laughs cos I don’t have a car and stuff.
I am so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like a form of manipulation and from your response, a form of DV. I would contact Centrelink or head in there and have a chat about seeking help ASAP to get out (if that is what you wish for). He won't get full custody, just to reassure you :)
How much custody? I’m the only one who has been with my son everyday he didn’t even take the day off when my son was born. I can’t go without him for a day.
Realistically, he will get some custody. How much, that’s up to the courts if you cannot mediate an appropriate amount between you. To begin with, you could offer every second weekend. If he’s as bad as he is though, I’m assuming he won’t want custody and it’s just a threat to manipulate you. Or your son will become “too hard” for his lifestyle.
Don’t fall
For his threats! He does no parenting now, why do you think he’d step if you’re separated?!??!!
He sounds like an ass. Start making plans to leave.
It’s not up to you to make him happy. That’s his job. You have to make you happy
Given what you said in the original post and your replies, I actually see a lot of red flags.
1. You walk on egg shells to avoid upsetting him.
2. You are taking on the entire emotional and physical load, you're basically a slave to him and he couldn't care less.
3. He's emotionally unavailable to you.
4. He's not giving you the opportunity to gain independence.
5. He is completely unwilling to address the issues within the relationship.
6. He ridicules you or threatens you to keep you from leaving (you can't take the car or you won't get custody of your son).
He may very well be suffering some mental illness, however, his behaviour is unacceptable regardless and you are not responsible for his happiness. Frankly, I'd almost even say borderline abusive.
I'd actually book some counselling for yourself, sounds like you need some support and objective proffessional advice!
Could he be using Meth ?
I don’t think so...I’m not even sure what signs to look for with that. He hasn’t in the past that I know of.
Weight loss and behaviour change
And the not sleeping and mood swings . And also if he’s not eating much . Big red flags these three . Sometimes it also comes with a crash down ( comedown ) period where he’s exhausted and sleeps a lot . But not always . You can always drug test his urine .
Agree - sounds like drugs.
Even if its not, fuck living your life like that. If it were me I would be asking if he is happy. If he cant answer then there is your answer. He will not get full custody. Do you genuinely believe that he would be willing to totally change his lifestyle and work pattern to be the primary carer? And spend the money or time fighting with you to get sole custody? That doesn't happen overnight and it doesn't come cheap. And it takes a shit load of effort! So if I were you I would play his bluff.My ex is a good Dad but is only a 30% Dad because his work and life always comes first. Thats fine with me I get sad sometimes but not for us for our child. I have always had the door open for him to have our child as much as he wants but he hasnt taken it up. So ball is in his court!!
With custody he has never put my son 1st, he has never cooked for him or spent a whole day with him work comes first. He says he will leave him with his mum. But why couldn’t I have him since I’ve always been with him and am willing to sacrifice to make sure he has a reasonable lifestyle. He is very spiteful so yes will go to court etc
Sounds like he’s on drugs, not depressed weight loss/snappy etc or an affair.
Here's the thing- making excuses for someone's behaviour and accepting their shitty behaviour is not ok. The ONLY time that is acceptable is when 1. You know what is going on and they have explained and asked you to support them or give them time and 2. They are getting help. In which case you can give them a set time, but STILL shitty behaviour is not to be tolerated.
I learnt this the very hard way. He's most likely wondering how shit you are that youll tolerate this much bullshit. It only makes them hate you more. Time to raise the bar for yourself again. You deserve answers
You deserve to not only be treated better as a human, but loved and respected as a partner. You deserve happiness and calm in your own home.
It sounds like he's on drugs. I went through this with my ex :(
That’s meth, sorry exactly what you’ve said I went through with my ex.
To cover it he let me think he was depressed...
Don’t make excuses for him.
He is being a fucking arsehole and you deserve better then that.
Shape up or ship out. He doesn’t get to dictate you (as he has been). Put your foot down!
What about substance abuse?
I think, no matter what the reason is (affair, mental illness, drugs, alcohol... or he's just not happy in the marriage) for him that he's doing what he's doing, you need to look after you and your child. Good luck xx
Sorry but I think he’s on Meth!
My hubby, tried the “I’m depressed” card but really it was the drugs making him that way.
Everything you described was everything I lived through an it was absolute hell! I would constantly blame myself for his actions or make excuses. Spent most nights crying myself to sleep because he was that much of an arsehole.
He changed so much looks demeanour he wasn’t the man I feel in love with anymore.
I ended up kicking him out because I had had enough. Contact was minimal on my part. But It wasn’t until he hit rock bottom that it come out he was on Meth. It absolutely broke my heart.
This was 2 maybe 3 years ago.
Once he owned up to the bullshit an accepted he wasn’t ok we moved forward in helping him get better. It took me ages to forgive or even trust him again cause there was so many lies!
But we worked through our shit and he’s drug free.
Good luck x
What support can you get to figure out what to do? Do you have friends and family that you can tell what's going on? Depending on your state look up women's telephone counselling service and see what free help you can get from services near you. Some of his behaviour is abusive and he's also not telling you the truth. He can't take your child full time. He will not get full custody. He hasn't even looked after your son. He might have some regular contact - you can go to mediation to figure that out or to court if that doesn't work. Courts decide not what's in the best interests of the child. You have joint property together so you would have to decide how to divide it if you left- the car is half yours, half his. Could you stay with friends or family while you get on your two feet if you left? Do you feel safe to ask him to make changes or you are leaving? If not, get advice because you shouldn't put your safety at risk. If that feels OK, you need to be clear what you need and if not met, what you will do. Professional help from gp or counselling is reasonable. He needs to make changes and you shouldn't have to try please him. It's a two way street. He needs to contribute to the house and care of your child. And you. Good luck mama. Sending hugs.
Do you know if he has been to the dr recently? Could it possible that he has cancer and it's put him in a depressive state? My dad had cancer so I know it all too well, some people react to cancer with anger and shutting people out. If not, then i agree he must be on drugs, but you should know best. Is he the type that would? I also suggest having a serious talk to him, if it doesn't work a letter or a txt msg. Tell him everything you feel and tell him your are worried about him. All the best. A counsellor to help you through this and give you the best advice will be good for you. Hang in there 💖💖💖
I’m no expert. But reading this sounds like drugs and cheating 😞
Weekends away sounds like he is spending it with someone else. ( does he tell you where he goes? )
If it were me I would secretly follow him.
If you are in Melbourne. I’m happy to help.
If you believe deep down it is drugs and or cheating I would call it.
When he walks in the door I would be upset and say what is her name?! Tell me!
Like you’ve just found out he has been cheating.
If you are way off then reply with well what else am I to think.