What I’m about to write has completely shocked me. Honestly I’m having to take breaks staring at the computer screen before I continue. I literally do not know what to do about this hence the help needed! I really hope one of you can guide me in the right direction.
Earlier this afternoon my 15 year old daughter came home and confided in me that one of her best friends, who she’s know since starting high school in year 7, confided in her that her and her brother have recently began a sexual relationship! My daughter, bless her was so upset and confused but she said she remained calm and listened to her friend explain it when she told her. My daughter said her friend said she just needed to tell someone and she was the person she trusted the most. I do wish she hadn’t, my daughter is so confused about it all, as am I!!
The brother is 16 and a half, not a very big age gap between them and also attends the same high school. They have the same parents however they are separated and live with each 50/50, together.
How could this have started??? I have met both kids and they seemed fine! Could they have been abused by a family member in the past that they feel the need to do this?? I wouldn’t think so as I’ve met Mum and Dad and both seem fine but you never know I guess!!
Please bare in mind when my daughter told me, after the initial shock which I tried to disguise so as not to upset her more, I asked her if the relationship was consensual between both her friend and her brother and she said yes, she even said her friend went into details about how nice it was with him.....
What should I do??? Please help me sisterhood I’ve told my daughter I’ll think about it for a while and then discuss with her a bit more and if we should intervene in anyway. She does not want to lose her friend and I think she fears she might if I were to tell someone. But even if I decide that who would I tell? The police? School counsellor?? I don’t think I could tell my husband he’d probably move my daughter to a different school or confront the parents in anger...
Oh I’m a mess. What a day this had turned out to be due to my daughter being a good and trusting friend....
Please help.
15 Replies
This isn’t a consensual relationship if one of the siblings is under 16. You need to notify the parents tonight.
This is one of those secrets that should never be kept, ever. I’d also contact the police and child protection in your state.
Age of concent is 17 not 16 so they are both underage. Except with teachers and other professionals it's 18. There is only one state that it's 16.. tasmania from memory. It would be different if they were over two years apart that's illigal. But let's keep to the real issue here... it's illigal for family in the first place
Report it. It happened to a friend of mine and he was removed from the home (which will be less traumatic if they dont always live together).
For their own good it needs to be stopped, you wont figure out how or if its abuse but it is not okay to be allowed to continue.
Explain to your daughter that its one of those things that they can choose when theyre adults and fully understand the repercussions (is it legal?!) but while a teen it is wrong and seen as sexual abuse and neither of you can keep that secret for her to let it continue.
Legally this is rape and a criminal act. Unfortunately, you need to report it. In doing so you will probably ruin both of their lives and your daughter will lose her friend. If the friend is making it up, she will probably turn on your daughter saying she's gullible and convince other girls to ostracise her. She may do this to protect him too. This is a really shit situation all over sadly
It's not rape they are under 2 years apart and both under 17. Please get facts right before calling someone a rapist
Firstly, you must have a great relationship with your daughter for her to openly tell you something like this.
I think you need to talk with your daughter and commend her for talking to you about such a serious issue. Then I think you should tell her that because of the seriousness of it, as an adult you have a responsibility to report it to the appropriate personnel so it can be investigated.
Your daughter may protest, if she does you'll need to help her understand the ramifications there may be if you do not report it and that reporting this is the right thing to do, even though doing the right thing isn't always easy!
I think the first place to take this information to would be the school social worker or principal, they have a duty of care and are mandated reporters - they are required by law to report it. They also have procedures to ensure matters like this are reported to the right place and is done so sensitively.
I wouldn't approach this girl's parents, you don't know of they are abusers themselves or how they'll react, I'd also be prepared to give a statement to police.
Best of luck with it, I hope you and your daughter aren't too heavily involved in all of this and I hope the two teenagers get the help they need, whatever that entails!
I agree, I would talk to your daughter and explain that she is confused for a good reason and this is not an OK situation to be in. Report it because it is not a secret to keep or something to sweep under the rug. This child being under age makes it totally non-consensual. I personally would not be comfortable talking to the parents either for fear that this situation would not be resolved within the family. Tell your daughter that she did the right thing in coming to you but some secrets should not be kept.
Not only is it non consensual due to her age, it is also incestuous. It wouldn't be legal regardless of how old she is.
I agree though, bringing it to the parents attention isn't enough to ensure appropriate action is taken!
It's not rape check the laws
This isn't legal or ok no matter the age. It needs to be reported and stopped asap. I'd hate to think about if the sister becomes pregnant.
I wouldn’t talk to the school. From experience they can tend to not remain as an outsider and some take sides. I found this out the hard way and it made life a lot harder for my children when faced with issues. So if they turn on your daughter she may not be protected by the school. It would be great if you could go to the school but from
Mine and others experience try another avenue. Seek help from people without any connection to these families. I was so angry when the school didn’t follow procedures, didn’t report the issues where they were meant to and abused their power to benefit their own interests instead of the interests of ALL children.
Tell the parents, your daughter needs to understand that her friendship with this girl involves talking about it with others so action can be taken and sometimes Being a good friend involves doing something the other friend may not like. Talking to the parents first gives them a chance to address it.
Ok so this actually happened to my friend.. the brother was 2 years older but much more mature than his sister. He knew exactly what he was doing. She was being used, she was being abused, even though it seemed so nice but deep down she knew it was wrong and this effects her still today in every relationship she has had. Please let the parents know, this is not ok. No matter what the girl says.
Be honest with your daughter about how serious (and frankly how wrong) this is and that you are so proud she came to you, perhaps she can talk to her friend and continue to support her through what happens next, but if she can't then thats also fine and she needs to know that - this is a massive deal for someone her age.
It needs to be reported, I'd firstly go to the school as they have an obligation to act on such information and if you have an okay relationship with the parents, have a sit down with them too and maybe even contact child services or talk to someone at your local police station to ask where you should be taking the information... this situation isnt okay, nor is it legal or healthy - mentally or physically for anyone involved and intervention is definitely needed.
O mumma,
How proud you should be that you have such an awesome relationship that your 15 year old talked to you about this.
I think you make a report to CPS. Then take your daughter on a date and have a talk about why this had to be done. Explain that sometimes as adults we have to make the decision to look put for children, even when they're not out own. Tell her you're sorry if if it impacts her friendship but sometimes in life making tough but right decisions have an impact but doing nothing will have an even bigger impact.
Praise your daughter for being such a beautiful friend who listened to her friend without judgement. This is the type of friend that this young girl will need when CPS get involved. Hopefully it's done privately and no rumours start for either child.
Also have a chat about not telling any other child about this. Not everyone will be as understanding as your daughter and she could see some serious bullying for both of the other kids if it got out.
I hope you tell your husband as well. Something as big as This, he has the right to know. Sit him down and explain that this needs to be handled with care. Let him calm down then let him talk to your daughter. Tell him how proud of her you are. She sounds like a very kind and generous kid. Your husband is someone that she'll look to for her future.
He needs to be part of the reaction here. Hopefully a positive one so she knows that everyone is in her corner and she is a legend for telling you.