To give a small back story my partner and I grew up in commission homes and definitely not well off. I personally grew up with utilities being disconnected, debt collectors ringing, rent rarely being paid properly, never knowing if we were going to eat that night, you get the picture.
My partner has managed to build himself up quite considerably since then and I have been lucky enough that he has helped me to do the same. I wouldn't say we're well off we have credit cards, mortgages and a personal loan and repayments for all this cost us a hell of a lot and we work 6 or 7 days a week, both of us, to be able to live within our means and pay these down.
To me this is great, we're not increasing debt, yes it's exhausting but it's not forever. My partner on the other hand is very materialistic and I'm struggling with his anxiety and other issues with our life lately. As far as I'm concerned we have a safe stable home, yes it's not anything pretty or luxurious but it's a roof over our heads with heating and cooling and healthy meals on the table. He however, wants nice cars (we have one everyday car each but they are getting on with high kms etc) and as far as I can work out evidence that he works hard.
He thinks we're poor, and actually uses that word. We don't have to worry about can we afford that this week, it's okay if we pay that how much can we pay the credit cards down to after that. We don't go out for dinner or the movies or anything that costs money because we both know getting debt down is so important.
I'm just really struggling to understand how we're poor when we have literally built up from poor and there are so many people out there who are doing it much tougher than we are. I don't know what to say to him when he gets in one of his we need to make more money schemes.
8 Replies
To some people, you ARE poor. There are always people more well off than you.
To some people, you’re quite fortunate. There are always people worse off than you.
I wouldn’t worry so much about the word “poor” - it means different things to different people. There’s no right or wrong definition.
I commend you for your commitment to paying down your debt, but it sounds like you are both so hardcore focused on paying off debt that there is no little luxuries or things to look forward to. It’s not sustainable to work so hard and never enjoy anything. Paying off debt should still be your priority but maybe add in a fortnightly dinner out, movie, etc.
You have a mortgage so thats one thing. He has to get rid of the debt. Unfortunately though its just time and saving, not money making schemes. That idea seems to be more a male thing.
Perhaps talk him into studying and going for a high paying job, if he really wants to make a big lifestyle change thats the way to do it.
Buy 'The Barefoot Investor'. He talks about 'Date Night' for money planning. Go through his steps together and I think you'll find hubby will 'discover' his make-more-money scheme. Taking the Barefoot Steps is really sensible and will get rid of your debt super fast and give hubby a focus while you still have a social life.
I think your partner is struggling with the stigma of being poor.
When he was young he would have seen people with nice cars, nice house ect and assumed they were rich and that's what he wants.
Have you thought about going to see a financial advisor or like my budget. They will help you get all the loans down and build up so you can afford the things he wants.
Talk to him. I grew up poor and used to be jealous of my friends with nice things.... now as an adult I realise that was all a show and full of debt. Their parents and life was all a show as well. I'm much more grounded than them
I'm hindsight I'll take poor and my family over "rich (a lot of debt)" and messed up.
I guess the answer is very subjective. I feel that our family is very rich despite the fact we don't have money to go out for meals, I've had to get our meal budget down to $30 per day for a family of 6 (some weeks only $20 if we have extra therapy sessions or specialist appointments...). Holidays are picnics in the parks within walking distance of home. We can't afford to use the dryer and I shower in the middle of the day so I can save the hot water for hubby and kids. But we have a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, clean clothes to wear and most importantly we have love. Lots of love. That's what makes us rich, we have each other.
Omg I honestly could have written this myself. I understand exactly how you feel.
We have luxuries like car loans, motorbikes, our own bar at our house, 4 pets, financed holidays, credit cards, foxtel, internet, new phones. All things we couldnt have as kids. All things we didnt dare dream of. Yet he thinks we're poor. We always have money left over at the end of the week, go out for lunch or dinner regularly.
He always pesters me to "match his income", which for me means working 60hrs a week as hes in sales and I'm in hospitality. He never appreciates what we have and always wants more, more, more.
I totally feel your frustration!!
Ill add, i have no advice. I'm struggling with this myself. I've considered leaving due to the sheer amount of arguments we've had and how much he treats me like crap even if i work 36hrs a week as a manager. He doesn't care because I don't make his kind of money.
Oh and another thing (sorry I'm just venting now) he has 50K of debt to his name from before we were together (been together 4 years). He doesn't care that all our current debt is my name. If he wants anything, I have to get the loans to pay for it.
Just this week I paid for his dad to fly up and visit, a special tour for the 3 of us, everything.
I'm tied down with a heap of his debt (around 3k) for his family excursions. He wouldn't have nearly as much if it weren't for me. Yet he wants more. He wants me to go for a house loan and buy us a house even though neither of us are in the position to do so.
I built him an in-home cinema and bar, stocked it up with hundreds of dollars of alchohol, a projector, an xbox, heaps of stuff. Yet he told me I was "irresponsible and stupid" for spending around 200 out of my tax return on decorations for the house that I wanted to make it more homey. We had paid out a few grand in the bills, promised not to spend more and yet he did for his dad.
I consider us well off. We have HEAPS of luxuries. he just doesn't appreciate that at all.