Hi IM’s, I have just found out my 8 year old daughter has been mean to one of her friends, to the point the other little girl is crying at home. I am gutted and just feel sick that my daughter could hurt her friend like this. We have had a big talk about it and she is very remorseful for her actions. I am making her apologise to her friend also. Does anyone have any advice I can use to show my daughter why this behaviour is not acceptable? I’d love a video or something like that? Any help or advice is very appreciated. Thank you.
8 Replies
I would probably talk about why she did it, jealousy, spite, revenge, hate etc.
I would make sure she is as remorseful to her friend as shes shown to you - long term, otherwise I would guess she is playing you and expect she will do it again.
Talk about ways to make it up. Talk about the good points in her friend and how lucky she is that this girl will forgive her if she does and how people forgive but dont forget as quickly and she will have a chance to show she is a good friend over a long time now.
Also how shd doesnt have to be close friends with people if she doesnt want to, thats her choice, but she must be kind and respectful to everybody.
Once this is resolved i would do some ongoing discussions about friendships appropriate for her age, and try to keep communication open even about the small things. She is still learning all of this.
Without any accusations, a lot of the time it is learnt behaviour. Does she have older siblings that maybe treat her in such a way or is she witnessing any bullying behaviour at home?
Prior to her being a bully, did you ever teach her about empathy, discuss other people’s feelings, playing with the kid that no one plays with, what to do if you see someone being teased/bullied? These are all regular conversations I have with my child. I personally think it’s an ongoing conversation, yes in this instance talk to her about the implications of her actions, but it needs to be something you speak about often. The most important lesson you can teach your kids is empathy, there are examples everywhere, when you see a homeless person, a person with a disability, the kids at school that no one likes, the woman in a burqa, teaching her about differences in people, that we are not all the same, but that’s okay, but putting herself in someone else’s shoes. You’ve seen a side to her you don’t like, you need to teach her to be a better person, not today, but all the time. Show compassion yourself, kids learn from your example more than your words.
The fact that this bothers you means you have taught her that it isn't acceptable. However, as people we aren't perfect. Maybe find out if there is an issue that she doesn't know how to address so this behaviour was her go to. If so, you can talk about how to handle the actual issue appropriately. Or is she trying to fit in with a new crowd? If so, maybe open her eyes to the fact that if those girls are OK with that behaviour, they will be OK treating her like that too. She isn't a bad person, she is learning how to navigate complex social interactions and hierarchies... As long as you guide her through she will come out OK. Xxx
I think its important to talk about what makes a good friend ie. Caring, sharing, listening and being kind. Ask her to give you an example of a good friend and then an example of something that was not being a kind friend. Talk about unkind things like calling names, pushing, nastiness excluding friends etc. Then ask her what she thinks makes someone be an unkind friend ie, jealously, hate, peer pressure.
Ask her for her version of what happened with this particular child as its important you hear it from your daughter and not take it as gospel from another source. At the end of the day kids will only ever tell their parent their own version of what happened and the truth is somewhere in between. If by talking to her u can confirm that she was nasty to another child and she is remorseful then she needs to find a way to apologise. I have been here with one of my daughters and she wrote a letter to the child apologising for her actions and also promising her how she would be a better friend moving forward. My daughter also spent her pocket money on a small gift for the child.
This age group can be very tit for tat so its likely it was peer pressure or a retaliation to something else. Helping your daughter build her confidence in her own self values and some resilience will help her learn to be stronger in her self as a person as she learns how to face all of these challenges
I think its important to talk about what makes a good friend ie. Caring, sharing, listening and being kind. Ask her to give you an example of a good friend and then an example of something that was not being a kind friend. Talk about unkind things like calling names, pushing, nastiness excluding friends etc. Then ask her what she thinks makes someone be an unkind friend ie, jealously, hate, peer pressure.
Ask her for her version of what happened with this particular child as its important you hear it from your daughter and not take it as gospel from another source. At the end of the day kids will only ever tell their parent their own version of what happened and the truth is somewhere in between. If by talking to her u can confirm that she was nasty to another child and she is remorseful then she needs to find a way to apologise. I have been here with one of my daughters and she wrote a letter to the child apologising for her actions and also promising her how she would be a better friend moving forward. My daughter also spent her pocket money on a small gift for the child.
This age group can be very tit for tat so its likely it was peer pressure or a retaliation to something else. Helping your daughter build her confidence in her own self values and some resilience will help her learn to be stronger in her self as a person as she learns how to face all of these challenges
I think its important to talk about what makes a good friend ie. Caring, sharing, listening and being kind. Ask her to give you an example of a good friend and then an example of something that was not being a kind friend. Talk about unkind things like calling names, pushing, nastiness excluding friends etc. Then ask her what she thinks makes someone be an unkind friend ie, jealously, hate, peer pressure.
Ask her for her version of what happened with this particular child as its important you hear it from your daughter and not take it as gospel from another source. At the end of the day kids will only ever tell their parent their own version of what happened and the truth is somewhere in between. If by talking to her u can confirm that she was nasty to another child and she is remorseful then she needs to find a way to apologise. I have been here with one of my daughters and she wrote a letter to the child apologising for her actions and also promising her how she would be a better friend moving forward. My daughter also spent her pocket money on a small gift for the child.
This age group can be very tit for tat so its likely it was peer pressure or a retaliation to something else. Helping your daughter build her confidence in her own self values and some resilience will help her learn to be stronger in her self as a person as she learns how to face all of these challenges
I think its important to talk about what makes a good friend ie. Caring, sharing, listening and being kind. Ask her to give you an example of a good friend and then an example of something that was not being a kind friend. Talk about unkind things like calling names, pushing, nastiness excluding friends etc. Then ask her what she thinks makes someone be an unkind friend ie, jealously, hate, peer pressure.
Ask her for her version of what happened with this particular child as its important you hear it from your daughter and not take it as gospel from another source. At the end of the day kids will only ever tell their parent their own version of what happened and the truth is somewhere in between. If by talking to her u can confirm that she was nasty to another child and she is remorseful then she needs to find a way to apologise. I have been here with one of my daughters and she wrote a letter to the child apologising for her actions and also promising her how she would be a better friend moving forward. My daughter also spent her pocket money on a small gift for the child.
This age group can be very tit for tat so its likely it was peer pressure or a retaliation to something else. Helping your daughter build her confidence in her own self values and some resilience will help her learn to be stronger in her self as a person as she learns how to face all of these challenges