What's reasonable?

Anon Imperfect Mum

What's reasonable?

Can I ask what you all consider reasonable to ask a newly 18 year old to do?
I'm currently asking to know each Saturday morning where she will be staying each night for the next week so I can plan the meals for the week and do groceries without excess wastage. Apparently it's unreasonable to ask for a week in advance because how is she supposed to know?
When at our place the expectation is dishes because she refuses to cook, some help with the washing but generally just her own and to tidy up after herself eg don't leave crap all over the lounge. This too is unreasonable apparently. She can keep her room as she likes and anything she earns is hers to keep so she's not short of funds either.
I had things a lot tougher when I was 18 and I'm wondering if I'm reflecting that and asking too much or if she's just pushing things beyond respectful.

Posted in:  Teenagers, Tips and Advice

20 Replies

Anon Imperfect Mum

The expecting to know where she is going to be for the entire week is a bit much. You are asking her to predict for things that aren’t always predictable. She is 18 and if a friend texts her on Friday morning asking her if she would like to do something that night, then she should be able to go. We just used to tell my parents our plans as they came up. ‘Mum, x just called and we are going out on saturday’.

The other stuff I totally agree with.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

She's an adult, stop nagging and let her face the consequences of her choices.
A. She doesn't let you know if she'll be home for dinner, tough luck there's baked beans in the pantry.
B. She won't do her washing, not your problem when she runs out of clean clothes.
C. She leaves her crap all over the place, bag it up and throw it out (If you can't bring yourself to do that, lock it up somewhere). Oh no, your charger, shoes and homework were in there - sucks to be you!

You've laid out your terms, it's up to her if she wants to abide by them.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

I just wanted to add, a week may be a bit of a stretch in terms of dinner arrangements but I think a general idea isn't too much to ask, e.g. "I will probably be home Monday-Thursday but I'm not sure on weekend"
And I'd insist on a text to let you know if she won't be home for dinner, that's basic manners and courtesy.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

She has it good and it sounds like she doesn't realise it just yet. I too was like this.

I don't think knowing a week in advance is appropriate as plans do change, however maybe by that morning she must tell you or she misses out on dinner.

Another thing that was always threatened to us (and followed through for my sister) was taking the door off her bedroom when it got beyond messy and she wasn't cleaning up after herself. She changed her attitude quicksmart.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

I think I'd give her a choice too.

Either you contribute around the home physically (dishes etc) or you can contribute financially, even if it's just $30 a week.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

My Mum always just told me to tell her if I wouldn’t be home for dinner that night
I never knew what the week ahead held
I think you asking for a schedule a week out is a bit much

In regards to helping out I don’t see an issue with that

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Anon Imperfect Mum

Edit to add she isn't overly social and doesn't go out at night for health reasons, it comes down to does she want to be at mums or dads that night.
I ask for a week in advance because I was getting something out for dinner to defrost and then she would say nah not coming home tonight and we were wasting a LOT of food. We don't have very much money at all so to be wasting that much was seriously hurting when we could be paying to other things.
Both of us work multiple jobs and so I can only get to the supermarket once a week, I can't go pop in for extra supplies for already pre-portioned meals.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

In that case I’d expect her to pay board. That way it’s her money she is wasting!

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Anon Imperfect Mum

Could you just cook her portion and put it in the freezer or fridge for someone to take to work for lunch or just to have spare for a quick meal?

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Anon Imperfect Mum

If you cook too much just keep it in the fridge for leftovers

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Anon Imperfect Mum

I feel like one person being absent doesn’t equate to a huge amount of waste, particularly for a girl. And the cost wouldn’t be that much difference as you’ve already catered to her if it’s in the freezer.

Just chuck it in the fridge or freezer for a lunch meal :)

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Anon Imperfect Mum

It does when I've got for example garlic Kiev's and veggies, mash in particular doesn't freeze and reheat well.
She is also very picky with what she will eat so I've been having to plan for years what meal goes on what night to keep everyone happy, how am I supposed to do that if I don't know?

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Anon Imperfect Mum

Personally I’d just enjoy her portion for lunch the next day!

But if she hasn’t let you know she is going to be home then she eats what you all eat.

Personally I’d just freeze her meat portion separately so if she isn’t home it can be used at another time.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

In the nicest way possible, it sounds like you're just being picky and not getting the sympathy you are looking for and therefore making excuses. It would be frustrating, but I'd just put it aside for lunch the following day and eat it yourself (yum!!).

I'd stop planning around her though, make meals for you guys now and if she doesn't like it or hasn't let you know she will be there, too bad so sad :) She's a big girl with her own money so can get her own food if she doesn't like whats being served.

I still think a week in advance is probably too much to ask, but I think an idea should be enough or the day before at the latest if you're defrosting stuff.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

This is just part and parcel of having adult kids at home, they do tend to come and go as they please, honestly I wouldn't waste my energy fighting this battle, focus on the laziness - that I would not tolerate.
Also,The key word here too is adult, she's not a little kid anymore. You don't have to pander to her fussiness.

So if the wastage is bothering you, buy meals that do freeze and reheat well, freeze her portion of meat seperately or have her pay some cash towards the grocery bill.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

I think it's normal for her to be fluid with where she stays... Particularly between parents. If you cook too much freeze it for a lazy night or an evening she arrives that you weren't expecting her or have it for lunch. That way... No food wastage. By all means have her clean up after herself though. I wouldn't necessarily charge board though as if she's back and forth between mum and dad it will probably just make you the evil step parent and mean they see your spouse less. Also, teenagers are lazy. If you want her to do the dishes, do them with her to normalise it and make it social. 18 doesn't equate to instantly responsible sadly.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

Her cleaning up her stuff is reasonable.
Expecting her to know where she will be a week in advance is a bit much. Just do your shop as normal and just save leftovers for someone's lunch the next day or freeze if you have too much. My mum had two of my adult siblings home last year and there would be no way she could plan around them for a whole week! They had girlfriends, gym sessions, work meetings and social lives. She would text them before she'd start cooking to see if they would be home before she put veggies on. If they didnt reply she didnt cater for them and they'd have to help themselves to leftovers when/if they came home. Its not really that big of a deal. Its annoying, im sure but I think its pretty standard.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

Treat her as a house mate now.

Cook for you.
If she is home when you are cooking she can have some.

Best thing my mum did was make me take over my uncle's lease a week after my HSC (just turned 18)
I was working 20hrs a week, now school was finished I had to pick up enough hours to pay rent.
I got a full time job, sublet the other rooms.

I did move back home for a while as I saved to buy a cafe. (Purchased it at 21)

It taught me to respect my parents and I was now not a child.
My mum ended up living with me to help in the cafe.

The tough love really did help

At 26 I sold the cafe and moved states.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

Respect. That’s reasonable.

Treat her as an adult housemate. Stop cooking/washing/picking up after her. Sit down with all housemates and discuss roles and duties. Give her notice that if anything is left lying around in communal areas it gets thrown out.

My 18 yo son mows the lawns, feeds the animals, packs/unpacks dishwasher and cleans the kitchen, tidies the garage, drives his younger brother when asked, keeps his bed made, his room tidy and let’s me know where he is and what time home. He pays $100/week board

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Anon Imperfect Mum

I think plans change quickly at that age and its not always possible to know whether you will be home for dinner. Also appreciate you dont want to waste food. Can you plan some meals that can be reheated or leftovers taken to work for lunch or frozen so it isnt wasted.
Your 18yr old should be responsible for cleaning up after themselves and their washing as well as paying some board money for food

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