Hi, I need some advice please. My mother is really agaisnt gays and transgender people and her hate is growing by the day. She used to be very supportive even wanted to marry them in ceremonies after finishing her course. That was before gay marriage became legal. But after an old friend came back into her life she started going to church with him and his friends. Now she's come back with completely different views spitting dribble. You can imagine what from all the stuff some other religious people say. I'm kind of worried because my son is gender non conforming. This for him means he doesn't live by gender stereotypes. He still identifies as a boy at 7 but he likes all things girl and boy and wears dresses every chance he gets. But because he's immature for his age due to speech delay I feel he may decide he's gay or transgender later. He seemed to ponder a week ago the thought of having a husband. My mother has been supportive of him so far but I'm worried about her sudden change. Today she tried to force my son to wear pants and a shirt and he had a panic attack she said he wouldn't look like a girl forever. I'm worried if he turns out to be an alternative adult that he will loose her support. He only has myself, my sister, my uncle and for the time being grandmas support. His dads family and friends don't support him and he's forced to wear only 'boys' clothes when he's at dads.
9 Replies
Oh dear.
As someone who had a grandparent who had some incredibly negative beliefs about me. (My grandfather attempted to ban me from the family, when I had an unplanned pregnancy when I was 20).
My parents took a zero tolerance approach towards my grandfather. You either support our daughter or you are out! I feel it was exactly the right approach. My parents held firm, and my dad (his parent) did not waver once. I can’t thank my parents, especially my dad for taking that approach. If they hadn’t, and they had continued to allow my grandfather to act like an arse, that would have been the same as my parents agreeing with my grandfather. It would have been crushing.
I think in your sons case it is extra important as your family has always been his safe place.
I’d also be questioning if your mum is mentally well? It’s unusual to have such a huge swing in beliefs like that and can be a sign of underlying problems. I’d be keeping her away from from your son until you get to the bottom of it.
Kids don't really get marriage. My 4 year old daughter wants to marry me and my 7 year old son reckons marrying his best mate (boy) would be the most fun after we explained he wouldn't marry his sister. I think you're reading into things more than necessary and I wonder whether your son thinks wearing dresses makes you happy because it seems odd to me that putting on pants would make him have a panic attack.... Even if he did identify as female which you're saying he doesn't. All that aside, you can't control your mum's beliefs. You ask her to respect yours and say you'll do the same and not argue about it. And you reinforce that if your mum starts filling your son's head with hate. My step dad thinks my son is possessed by the devil because he has adhd. But he loves him... Just prays for him at prayer group. I just thanked him for doing what he thinks is best.
He feels more comfortable in dresses. He still wears pants under them. I stay pretty neutral no matter what he wears and I say he looks great no matter what. He likes the feel, colour and patterns of dresses. He likes to twirl and likes how they fall when he sits. It's not unusual for boys who like dresses to only want dresses. Same with girls at this age.
I'm not judging that he likes them. It just strikes me as odd that he has a panic attack if told to wear something else. That's the bit that concerned me. If you're fairly neutral maybe there is something else going on? Regardless, with your mum just try set boundaries respectfully. Good luck. Not an easy conversation.
I think it was because he's not used to it from her. Usually she let's him choose apart from one time he went to his dads. But that day she was acting weird and didn't want him to wear a dress trying to say boys clothes were warmer and he kinda caught her out on her lie because his dress was warmer which is when she said he wouldn't look like a girl forever.
Going out on a limb here (OP, do correct me if I'm wrong), I suspect the panic attack was more due to his grandmother's forcefulness rather than not being able to wear a dress, as it says he wears "boy clothes" with his dad's family, I'm assuming without panic attacks in that case.
I'ts also quite possible it wasn't a panic attack but more that he was hysterical and inconsolable, which is not uncommon when children are dealing with stress. Either way, it's terrible his grandmother reduced him to that.
A lot of older or religious people still have these beliefs, wrong or right, they are entitled to their opinions.
That you just have to accept.
To be perfectly honest though, if your mum's presence and her forcing certain things on him to the point of a panic attack, he doesn't need her support now let alone when he's an adult, and regardless of whether or not he turns out "alternative".
I think I'd tell her "If you cannot accept my son as he is, if you cannot accept the way I parent him then you are not welcome to have an involved role in his life. You do not have to agree with his life choices or my parenting choices but I will not allow you to negatively impact his life".
If she can't or won't do that then he's better off without her I'm afraid.
You’re labelling your seven year old son gender non conforming because he likes to twirl in dresses....wtf? I remember your previous posts, I think you’re the one with the problem tbh. My ten year old sometimes likes to play with my makeup, wear high heels, but I’m not going to label him, he is just mimicking me, his mum, because I’m his role model. Kids do all sorts of weird stuff and go through many different phases, my friends son was a dog for a few months. Just let him have his phases and stop looking into it more than it is. Your mother is probably only concerned because you are labelling a seven year old and she has raised kids and sees the big picture.
you Know your son best. I would not have anyone around my children who made them feel bad for who they are or question their identity, regardless of who they were. Heck I wouldn’t stay with my kids father because his presence was toxic.
I wouldn’t let grandma have any alone time with him. She’s the one with the fucked up view of the world. Let her go til she comes back from her cultish ways.
Is your son and/or you seeing a specialist counselor. He will need all the help and support he can get, especially with the bigoted in laws