I’m at my wits end. My almost 11 year old daughter is off the charts selfish and ungrateful. My almost 8 year old is the total opposite
Example - went out for dinner. She was told ‘no dessert’ so sulked the whole dinner and kept saying ‘why even bother coming’
Movies today - told no movie popcorn (we’re going low FODMAP so watching food and was given plain corn chips instead) ensue screaming actual tantrum! I’m talking 20 minutes even in the car park
My sister is here for a few nights, and miss-almost-11 thinks she’s entitled to sleep every night with her Aunty and miss-almost-8 gets none.
Which back story - my kids have different dads. I’m not with either of them (am 5+ years though in a happy settled relationship) miss almost-11 rarely sees her dad (interstate) and miss 7’s dad and I are deep in a toxic court battle. In the past I’ve given a lot of concessions due to the ‘situations’. I know I’ve caused s lot of this myself.
I know the easy answer - just say no. Tell her she misses out. But halfway through dinner? Do you leave? Take her dinner away?
Movies - yep, easy answer is leave her home. But then 3 other people miss out too (which she’d have been happy about, and no - no on the spot baby sitters available)
She currently has a month long iPad ban and her bedroom has pretty much been stripped. She couldn’t care less about missing pocket money.
So, apart from the obvious banning from going places/activities - how do you teach gratitude! Or stop the selfishness?I think she’s quite jealous of her little sister too. Is it just an age related/hormonal thing?
Give me your honest hard to hear answers!
Hope this can be posted xx I’m falling apart 😞
9 Replies
I think it's partly an age thing, but I think in your daughter's case it's partly a cry for attention.
Some things that stood out to me:
Miss 7 has benefited from certain concessions as you put it, one thing I've noticed in this parenting gig is that if my kids perceive some inequality to be happening, bad behaviour, attention seeking and acting out will ensue.
Try saying yes occasionally, I mean, think of it this way - if her little sister seems to get things her way a lot of the time but when she asks it's often a hard no, I think thats going to perpetuate her feelings of jealousy and the unjustness, and I think it'll make the behaviour worse.
She seems to be craving one on one adult time, you say she feels entitled to hog up all the time with her Aunt, I kind of feel she is just enjoying the quality time.
I would male a concerted effort to spend some quality time with just the two of you, I know that can be difficult when you don't have babysitters etc but I think one on one time with mum is really important heading into the teen years (even if you give her a day off school and just hang out together or something).
I don't necessarily think it's ungratefulness that's driving this behaviour, at least not entirely.
It's probably more that she can't articulate the emotions she's experiencing so she's acting out in a way that gets her noticed. So I think you should focus more on what's bothering her rather than being stricter and giving more punishments.
I think honestly, she wants your attention! You've taken things away but have you actually given her any of your time? She has no father involvement, and her mother looks at her as ungrateful and selfish rather than hurt and emotionally vulnerable. I'd suggest maybe spending time with just her occasionally, so she doesn't feel as though she constantly misses out, but rather gains understanding and patience from the one person she has in her life. Maybe put yourself in her shoes and examine the situation a little differently xx
She is a child, and children, like adults have feelings and that’s totally acceptable. If you really wanted dessert and someone said you can’t have any, how would you feel? She is still learning.
Personally punishing a child into ‘realising they have a good life’ doesn’t really make sense and when punishing a child the punishment needs to fit the crime.
Teach her about the value of a dollar. Eg we work x hours to earn x amount and we have to decide prioritise where that money goes.
Teach her about the world, eg we are very lucky because x, y and z other people are experiencing a, b, c.
Start a gratitude journal that the entire family does. It could be done sitting around the table at night. Eg each person says one thing they are grateful for at dinner.
Taking her iPad away for a month is not a meaningful punishment. I find making them earn there iPad time in general a much more positive experience. Eg each child can earn an hour a day iPad time by following the rules that day.
Make sure she isn’t earning negative attention. Some kids work out that any attention, is attention. So will do things to piss you off in order to get a reaction.
She might have hormones starting to take over. I find when I punish my son he escalates. Maybe try find an incentive she really wants and attach getting that to good behaviour.
I agree with all the comments. I feel like she is in need of some attention and she is crying to re-connect with you.
I highly suggest “peaceful parent, happy kids” book as it gives you the tools to reconnect with your children and also gives insight into why our kids act the way they do sometimes.
I’ve also found that the more “parenting” I do, the more the kids kick a stink. Think of it as “guiding”... instead of “no dessert! End of story” try and approach it as “oh gosh, we aren’t going to be able to get dessert tonight because such and such and such. I’m a bit disappointed because I’d love to have dessert too but we are all going to have to miss out. Such a shame” and then go wth her about how she’s feeling really upset about not getting it. Validating that yeah of course it sucks...
Thank you for all of your responses xx
Her sis goes to ex 4 nights a fortnight so there’s a lot of 1-1 time, but maybe not ‘quality’ (we use it to catch up on housework etc so we can have ‘family time’ when all 4 of us are together
Will try to view more towards rewards instead of punishment and change my approach for a bit.
I love her and want the best.
Thank you!!!
We used to only do quality time things when my son wasn't at his father's so he didn't miss out. But then our other child started to feel like any quality time was all about my son because we only did things when he was home. It started taking a tole. We now spend quality time one on one and as a family. It made a big difference. Xxx
Make her start doing things for herself. If she would like popcorn at the movies or dessert with dinner, she can use her pocket money that she has to earn! That'll teach her quick smart to care about missing out on pocket money.
Yes you make the hard decisions. You leave dinner. Leave the movies. Whatever it is, you send a strong clear message that the behaviour is not accepted. She’ll learn very quickly. Yes it’s means everyone misses out, but drastic measures are required. Set firm clear boundaries. Kids need structure and rules, it’s what keeps them feeling safe and loved.
Mean what you say and say what you mean.