I'm starting to get frustrated!
It seems like I am always the one to have kids over for plays or sleepovers, and none of the kids' parents reciprocate! One kid I have had over at least 10 times and my daughter has not once been invited over to her house.
Can anyone shed some light as to why parents are so willing to drop kids off to my house but never invite them back?
Always the one to invite kids over for plays
Always the one to invite kids over for plays
Posted in:
Kids
39 Replies
Because theyre busy and not wanting to make friends, but happy to have their kids out and busy.
We are quite isolated so we used to do the same and have kids over but it wasnt returned. Its hard when youre socially isolated, but you need to keep looking until you find the good people. The easiest thing to do is to ask them. Message and say, X would love another play, could you have them over at yours sometime in the holidays? Or after school etc.
Ive found quite a few now and lifes so much better - dont miss those other 'friends' at all, those were hard times.
I don't and won't host sleepovers at my house, if people want to invite my kids over for sleepovers with the expectation of getting an invite in return they'll be sorely disappointed.
I try and have the kids friends over when I can, but I am busy. By the time the weekend rolls around the last thing I feel like doing is entertaining other people's kids. It's not personal, it is just that I have other priorities.
My kids are autistic, I'm scared of traumatising their friends if they see a sibling in meltdown mode
I'm happy for them to go visit friends, but feel it wouldn't be responsible to have other people's kids here if that happens to be the day furniture is thrown or worse
Thats fair enough, I guess everyone probably has valid reasons like yours
I don’t want the responsibility of another persons child
I work shift work and so does my partner and we just don’t want other kids in the house
But are you happy for your kids to go to someone's house? Don't you feel bad that they make the effort when you don't? I cant stand the responsibility either, and I worked shift work until I had a baby recently, but I still make an effort
If someone wants to invite my kids over that’s great but if they Expect an invite in return it won’t happen. My partner and I work opposite shifts one week he does nights and I do days and the next week we switch so there’s always someone sleeping.
And the one day we both have off and are awake during the day is family time and I don’t want to have to entertain someone else’s child.
I never had friends come to my house as a kid but was still invited to others and no ones parent ever complained to my mum
Maybe your being a bit precious. Some parents don’t have time, or Energy
If you only have one day off all together I totally get that, most of my daughters friends don't work shift work though, a lot stay home. Just trying to work out how I am being 'precious' though? Its frustrating that parents will happily dump their kids on me but not reciprocate every once in a while
Here is what is precious.
You expect other people to have the same priorities as you. They don’t.
You don’t want to say no to your kids, that’s on you, not the other parents. Just because you make it happen (because of your priorities), that doesn’t mean the other parents have to make it happen.
They aren't dumping their kids with you, you're inviting them to begin with!
If they were constantly asking you to watch their kid without offering you the same in return, I'd be like "Yeah, that's rude AF" but they are literally just accepting your invite.
If you want to do it for your children's enrichment then by all means do, but don't do it with expectations of reciprocation.
Different commenter. They aren't dumping their kids off... They're dropping their kids off because you invited them. Very different. And do you need to have sleep overs? Why not meet at a park for an hour? Or have a bbq and invite the parents so you get a social life too and the kids go home with their parents afterwards. Seems like you have created a situation where your children have a social life and you don't and now you want to blame someone else? Stop organising the sleep overs and do something else that works for you and the kids.
Trying to make friendships and build a support network is NOT PRECIOUS. How sad to make this lady feel worse. If you are busy or full good for you but she is not and she is trying.
It is constructive to suggest she offer park plays or family bbqs as what shes doing is not working. You also get a bearing for whether they are the type who are open to socialising with you and offering to take your child sometimes or not.
Also dont stop offering to new people, as you will find the ones that reciprocate and work out for you eventually.
This has nothing to do with my social life? Just my kids
It’s very easy to say yes to something. It’s much harder to say no. It’s also harder to organise something.
Some families just aren’t playdate people for a bunch of reasons.
Do you want them to say no to your offer?
Yes sometimes I do wish they would say no to my offer hahaha. I only do it because I get nagged to invite kids over
Well you can say no to your kids! You can also spread the play dates out more etc.
I used to go to sleep overs at my friends places all the time but very rarely had sleep overs at my place. My parents smoked in the house and usually ended up fighting, my mum didn't care if I had friends over I would always be yelled at or made to do chores etc whilst my friends were there.
I'm not a sleep over person either. I have enough kids in my house that having more than one extra in my house is crazy. I can barely cope with mine let alone another persons child on top. I will allow my oldest child to have a mate over and he can go to that mates place or my sisters etc I've had her kids before too. But in the end don't expect people to reciprocate just because you host there could be a number of reasons why someone won't host a sleepover it could even be dad saying no. You never know so you really shouldn't judge.
I wouldn't say no to an invitation unless we were busy. But I wouldn't be organising something unless I thought my kid was missing out otherwise. I will do child swaps with friends so the other couple gets the night off, but we get that in return and it's only with one family. My kids have a huge social life with our friends kids who we see regularly for whole family activities like camping and motorbike days.... Not play dates. Working full time, our weekends are about our lives as a whole family, not organising play dates for kids.
I am like you but have never wondered why it was never reciprocated. Some people hate sleepovers and play dates. Some people endure them. Others enjoy them. I endure them because it’s good for the kids to have friends around but I really do understand that some parents just don’t like having other people’s kids staying the night. There are a few kids who have only ever had 1 sleepover at my house because they were just not welcome back for some reason. Others I could easily have stay over every weekend. I don’t mind mess in my house and with sleepovers the house can get trashed and that’s too much for some people. Some kids are fussy eaters which makes it hard. The fact they are difficult to get to sleep when they have friends over. There are so many reasons to not have sleepovers.
I endure them too, I don't like the responsibility of having someone elses kid here, I just think its important for kids to have friends
Saying no, won’t stop your kids having friends. Saying no sometimes won’t stop your kids having friends. Your kids will make friends at school, at high school, at sports etc, those kids don’t have to visit your place or sleep over in order to be friends.
Our school is so clicky and because I work I don’t get to go to many school things that other mums are at. There’s only 80 kids from PP-year 6 and I’ve found that it I don’t make the effort to have kids come and play, my kids don’t get invited to birthday parties etc. i have kids over at my house so I can connect with the mums which in turn helps the kids to connect and build friendships.
I find this odd that you have kids over and expect it to be reciprocated. You invite them, or your kids does, whatever, but they aren’t dumping their kids on you to babysit, they are accepting an invite. You are the one driving this train, if you don’t want it, then tell your kids no! It’s that simple. You’re not doing them a favour, your kids are inviting them over.
I don’t know the ages of your kids but the amount of naughty shit I got up to at my friends houses, and never at my own house because I knew I’d get a kick in the arse... I feel like I’d probably prefer the kids friends here then anywhere else, LOL but my kids aren’t old enough for that yet so my thoughts my change.
I definitely think you have the wrong expectations of these people. It is great that you’re so inviting but not everyone else will be that way.
For all you know, the kids parents are pot heads, DV or something that they aren’t willing to expose your children too (probably bad enough if there own kids witness it and maybe why they like their kids going to your house)... could be way off but I had a few friends who’s parents would never let me stay over because they did drugs.
I agree with previous posters.... parents aren't dumping or offloading their kids on to you, they're accepting an invitation! If you truly don't want these children at your house all the time then simply stop inviting them. An invitation is just that, an invitation. These parents are accepting an invitation, not some binding verbal agreement of reciprocity.
There's nothing wrong with trying to make friends and encourage friendships for your kids but your priorities won't be the same for every other parent out there. My kids learn an instrument, swimming lessons, tennis lessons and tutoring. I work full time. It's busy, stressful and when the weekend comes I am not interested in having random kids over at my house. I want to spend my free time with MY family.
If my kid receives an invitation to play I will probably accept it, if it works for our schedule. But I won't feel bad that I don't reciprocate because a) it's not a priority for me and b) keeping score on which kid I need to invite over so that it's "fair" is just so not me.
Maybe try and broaden your networks through activities rather than getting frustrated that you're always hosting.
(You're also coming off a little judgemental. Why do these parents need to have "valid" reasons? It is none of your business how they choose to live their life and you have no idea the challenges they may be dealing with)
I would think that when dropping your child off for a play you automatically realise they dont want to look after someone elses child just as much as you dont! Especially when you see they have a baby. Once, ok. But after a few times I would feel bad and feel like it has to go both ways and must be my turn. Its been interesting reading the attitude many on here are coming at the OP with.
I was a bit shocked at some of the answers to be honest, especially the one calling me precious, and the one commenting on my assumed lack of social life (not sure where that one came from, I don't particularly want a social life with the kids friends parents, its about my kids). But the idea of some families having 'issues' like difficult children, pot smokers and DV etc was useful to know. I hate to stop inviting kids over for my kids sake, but once a parent drops them over so many times and doesnt invite them back every once in a while, it DOES get frustrating
I read that you felt you needed to do this for your kids, so assumed that you must be doing it with these children as you have no other options? If you do, then plan in the odd playdate or sleepover if thats what you want, but mainly kids can just do things with your own family and your social circle.
I was the one that called you precious
I’m just saying your expecting someone to do something that you do. Unfortunately not all parents have time or want someone else’s kids over. If you don’t like your kids not being invited why not just stop inviting those kids over that have come over so many times? Or say no to yours.
Or maybe just say hey my kids would love to have a play date at yours would that be ok?
If you aren't trying to get something out of it and you're frustrated about hosting sleep overs, stop. Your kids see friends 5 days a week at school. Having friends over is great as a kid, but it doesn't have to be all the time. Or just have them over after school to be picked up at 5, or on a Saturday morning, picked up at lunch etc.
I need to learn to say no, thats the problem. I have had a separation from my husband and feel like I have to make the kids happy. Thanks for all your advice. I'm just a tired emotional mum
I’m sure you’re doing a wonderful job, dont over compensate due to the separation, just do what you are comfortable with. You’re going through an emotional time, be kind to yourself, don’t over extend yourself, happy mummy equals happy home. They also have each other to play with ❤️
They'll be happier if they have a relaxed mum. And if they're in shared custody, they probably need a bit of mum time too. Xx
They probably don't mean to be rude. Perhaps they are tired because they work a lot.
I'm an introvert. My child has a friend that invites him over fairly regularly and while I do have this friend over too I don't do it as much. This little boy is very active and demanding and its very draining for me to constantly supervise and entertain. My own child is not like this obviously.
After working I want to spend the little down time I have relaxing, not getting worked up cos the kids are going crazy.
We seem to mind others or take them home from school a lot. We work from home, its do-able for the less needy kids.
But my kids are never minded by others.
Sleep overs are a no go. We did them with our boy, way too chaotic.
Mainly because we work 15hrs a day, the kids keep our kids occupied while we work....although going and getting our kids from someone's house eats into our work.
Weekends are for us, if we have others with us they come as well. Again picking kids up from someone's house is annoying.
We also have street kids on weekends. Can have 8-10 kids in our yard.
I am the type of mum you are talking about, I don't have other peoples kids over very often and I hate it but I had to put down boundaries.
I will allow my child somewhere if they have been invited because I feel if someone has invited them it means they have carefully chosen them to spend some time with, I don't invite kids over for sleep over mainly is because its hard to figure out a decent schedule in my life to do this, my husband works nights thursday- Tuesdays so I'm alone with no car on the weekends at nights so if something happens I get anxious I'm not going to be able to help or take a sick child home or take them to the hospital.2-I'm tired because most of my friends have one child and I have more so adding more to the mix is hard and draining and sometimes I just can't gather energy to want to add to the mayhem of my home. 3- until recently I lived in a smaller home so I didn't have the space for one more body, we were on top of each other already. 4- I have other things/ people in my life other than my kids school friends, sometimes old family friends or family members will visit, sometimes we will visit them, sometimes we need a break from visitors, and 5- sometimes I just don't think about how many times a child of mine has been here or there, because I don't keep count. There are so many variables in other peoples lives that can make a sleep over difficult and I think its great that you do what you do. And I do feel for you because you don't need to have all that on just you, just try to remember that things are different for everyone- some people may not feel confident having someone else's kid over for the night, some may not have the ability to have another mouth to feed, some may have other plans and some may just not click that it would be a nice break for you to have them have your child over. Just stop or slow down on what your doing if its too much for you, trust me the kids will adapt and maybe their kids might nag their parents for a sleepover at their house.
When I was a child we never had friends over because my mum worked 12 hour shifts 5 days a week, the house was a mess because my dad (not working) never even tried to tidy up, my mum was still stuck with dinner, uniforms and taking us to sports on weekends, that plus my dad was/is an alcoholic so not only did my mum not want other kids there because of safety reasons but also because he was an embarrassment.
You don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors, everyone thought my dad was a saint so try not to judge.
I personally don’t have many of my sons school friends over because I’m TIRED. I have a newborn and my one year old still wakes up 4 times a night. I went back to work on weekends when my newborn wasnt quite two weeks old and I also use what’s left of my weekends as family time. If someone invites my son over and he wants to go I’ll let him go. Also my partner has our 3 kids for four hours and has very little sanity left so if I was to leave him with someone else’s child as well while I went to work I think he’d be in the corner rocking himself back and forth 😂
Not every one has space , or they may feel that your home is nicer than theirs. They may not be getting on well with their partner... The list goes on. Try to invite the parent to have a coffee when they drop off or pick up. Get to know them and make them feel your a friend.
I made many friends this way , It didn't always end up with a return sleep over .
I’m basically in the same boat with my two daughters. And it seems that most people that we ever reach out to, in order to arrange get together’s for my daughters. They always have lame excuses; like oh sorry we can’t do tonight; It’s been a busy day, or we have a lot of going on this weekend may be in another week or two. People only seem like they want to do what they want to do; and with whoever they want to do it with. And they’re not always interested in having their kids make new friends. Also a lot of people don’t seem to want anyone to come to their house; it’s better for them to send their kids to someone else’s house, because then they don’t have to deal with the mess, or the aggravation. also, a lot of people don’t want the responsibility of keeping an ion a bunch of kids at their house. It’s hard enough when they have to manage their own kids, but then to watch their friends to is an extra nuisance!