I need help. Please no judging. I feel like am awful mother as it is. Sorry if this gets long.
A bit of a back story. The last 2 years have been hell. My husband lost his job, we became homeless, we recovered a little bit (got a house, and started to get back on our feet), after being told there was no way I could get pregnant again, I did and became extremely ill (in and out of hospital and nearly died). My husband lost his job again (both times not his fault- first time the business closed down, second time boss did a runner and business was foreclosed), we lost our house again. Lived with family. Had to pay thousands in medical costs for me. Then had a sick baby, as well as myself. All this with a toddler, our son I'll call "Max". We had a dog that got bitten by a snake, thankfully we had pet insurance. Came home, during a storm the next day she escaped and got hit by a car and we had to put her down. This dog was Max's best friend. They did everything together. He took it very hard. All of this is too much for a young child to deal with. There is more but this is the big stuff. Max has been through a lot. I am a firm believer in children not baring the weight of adult problems. We only told him what he needed to know and answered his questions in an age appropriate way.
Since then he has developed a major anger issue. He is the most caring, sweet little guy you could meet. He is so thoughtful of others. He is amazing with his baby sister, I'll call her "Sarah". But when Max gets tired or frustrated, he becomes a nasty, bad tempered little boy. Today he was over tired. He fell and grazed himself. I was making sure he was okay and he snapped. Tried to punch me, headbutt me. After he realised he couldn't, he put his hands around my neck and squeezed. The look on his face I'll never forget. It was full of anger and hatred. Today we took him to the movies and to the park. We had a great day. I knew he was tired so I was making an early dinner whilst he played. Then he tripped and scrapped his knee.
He doesn't go anywhere without me or my husband. So I know there is nothing nasty going on. We talk a lot about how it's okay to be upset, etc. we are a very open family. But we have been through a lot. Once everyone had calmed down, I sat and spoke to him about how what he did was not okay (in an age appropriate way) he cried and said sorry. But after we spoke he began poking Sarah, I asked why and he said it's funny when she cries... Alarm bells are going off and I need to get my son some help but I have no idea where to start.
We have a family GP and first thing tomorrow I'll be making an appointment. But what else can I do to help my little guy?
15 Replies
Honestly, this sounds like rather normal behaviour.
My 4yo tried to choke me yesterday too because I said no to junk food. They don’t quite understand yet. We spoke about it - he cries, said sorry. First and last time it’ll happen as he frightened himself I think.
The poking thing is quite normal too. I used to poke my little sister so she’d cry and I’d get to hold her. Babies cry might be funny to a 4yo as they scrunch up their face and let out the tiniest cry ever heard.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your doing the best you can in a shit situation. He sounds like any other 4yo who’s learning the boundaries, how to push them, break them and create new ones. By all means, make an appointment - he might like talking to someone else about the dog, but it all seems relatively normal. I’d be more worried if he showed no signs of grieving.
Could be age appropriate or he could he struggling to regulate his emotions which could well come along with a little boy who has faced so many changes, stress and insecurity in his little life so far.
Definitely see the dr, see a psych and they will be able to help and guide you along. Help is always better than letting him go on struggling or it becoming an issue between you or a label on him - so youre doing the best thing for him.
My four year is a lot the same. Could this just be the age?
My 4 year old still has trouble regulating his feelings and I just thought that’s normal.
It could be that your son just has a lot more anger and pent up feelings from all that’s been going on, but it’s typical (I think anyway) for him not be able to regulate them, and that will come with time.
Maybe give him different solutions for his anger. I often ask my son if he needs some space or if he needs a break from his little sister and then I seperate them and give them different activities but she is 2 (sounds like your daughter is pretty young still so you could just remind him that she will be going for a nap soon so he will have time to play on his own soon ect)
Tell him to go outside a kick the football if he is angry or do something like magic sand/play doh and tell him to smash it on the table.
My son has often said he thinks it’s funny when he makes his sister cry and I just reply with something like “we don’t hit/poke, it’s not nice to make other people upset. Do you need some space or a break from everyone? Maybe you need to go play cars in your bedroom and I will keep her away. Or would you like to draw/paint/play doh?”
There is a level of children not being able to regulate their emotions that is normal. Then there is a point where they are not coping with it, it is too frequent or the response is too extreme. At any age. A psych can help any parent to understand whats going on developmentally and specifically for the child, and give techniques and strategies to help.
Of course but I also think the way us, the parents, deal with the circumstances makes a massive difference too.
Everyone else suggested the GP and whatever but I was just stating that it’s also important to just help them along in other ways. I know at one point I used to over stress about it and get cranky at him for doing such things, but once I accepted that it is normal (to a degree if you must) I found it so much easier to distract and tackle it in a positive manner.
She said she was going to see someone about it so I don’t see the point in telling her the same thing everyone else is lol
At the end of the day, understanding whats going on and having the tools and strategies to know that yoyre supporting and parenting the best way for them is the key, regardless of where it comes from.
If a parent is concerned I would tend to believe them that it is outside the range of normal and I agree with below that this little one has faced a lot of stress already which does affect their sense of security and development even when we think theyve coped well with it.
Of course!
Hopefully OP gets the help they need...
Your GP is a great start.
I wouldn't be surprised if it's a bit of anxiety honestly, his short life has consisted of a fair bit of chaos and instability so far (and that's not your fault, so don't beat yourself up xx).
In some way, it has probably become his 'normal' and now that things are settling down again he might be struggling to cope.
That said, anger is a pretty normal emotion for a tired 4 year old, so is sibling rivalry (my son threw a hotwheel car at his baby sisters face at this age because she was looking at him - he's a pretty well adjusted 11 year old now).
I think (on top of seeing gp) helping him with new ways to cope with frustrations would be helpful and consequences for deliberately hurting the baby or anyone for that matter.
This is a great response. Personally I think anxiety is creating that inability to emotionally regulate. 4 is a hard age for any child but the choking is an extreme response to a situation. I have an 11 year old that has been sufferring anxiety for the last 3 years. He has these outbursts as well. Something little happens and bang! There is obviously more then I need to type here as well.
His anxiety stemmed from us moving interstate and him not coping with the move even though we prepared him as best we knew how. Little people deal with big things and they take on and process a lot more than we realize at times and they do it the best way they know how. Anxiety is the bodies reaction to stress sometimes. I'd suggest to start with a gp and find a good child psychologist who can help with some emotion regulation techniques for a 4 year old. Best of luck x
I have to ask, why do you owe so much in medical fees? Private health insurance is ridiculous with the gaps, next time go public, especially if finances are tough. As for your little boy, maybe look into a parenting course and speak to your GP about getting a referral to a paediatrician. You may find with different strategies, tools from the parenting course he responds, it if not, you’ll be on the wait list to see paed.
Oh and never believe the old, you can’t get pregnant, so many stories of doctors saying this and being very wrong. Unless you have had your tubes tied, always believe it is a possibility.
One other thing, is he having naps during the day? Both times his behaviour was triggered by being tired, sounds like he needs more sleep.
OP here: my medication was not covered by the PBS, plus I also had to go to physio. I did receive some free sessions but I needed 3 a week so they got used up quickly. No private health, was all done publically.
Occasionally yes he does have day naps. Most of the time he flatly refuses to nap. But we do quiet time during the day
OP here
Thankyou everyone for your responses. It's really put my mind at ease. I will still be speaking to my GP about him
Hi beautiful mum!
I went through this type of thing with my son from 4-5 years old too following a traumatic incident.
We turned to kinesiology, I’m not going to lie and say that it’s an easy fix, we did a lot of work surrounding the word “safe” but 6 months on I feel like we’re coming out the other side.
Your family too will come out the other side, I promise. And I can also promise that you will forget the look in his eyes.
I remember saying the same thing when my son made me cry and then as I looked up at him with tears in my eyes he punched me in the face and then kicked me, I’ve forgotten how low that made me feel. I only remember that it happened now and time is erasing that too.
Remember that’s it’s not your sweet child doing these things, it’s trauma or big emotions that hey can’t yet understand.
Xx
Best way to teach kids emotional intelligence is to name the emotion, so when he is acting angry, name it, when he's sad name it. Say I can tell you are feeling frustrated right now, is that right? By naming his emotions It will help him understand his emotions and over time he will learn how to express them in different ways rather than just the outburst. There is a lot of science and psychology behind doing this, there is a book called emotional intelligence that was a game changer for me. It actually creates neural pathways in your brain that connect your intellect and your emotional center of the brain. My son is 6 still working on it, but then again I think it's a lifelong journey.
That’s a lot of trauma for a little person to deal with. Get a referal to a paediatrician and a child psychologist, or see an art therapist/music therapist/play therapist