Hi mums,
Bare with me here as this may be a little long but I’m just wondering if anyone else experiences the same thing... also I KNOW THIS ISNT NORMAL.
I went through quiet a lot of emotional abuse as a child along with my sisters. We were all each other had, mum didn’t care for us and always left us to go party, drink and be with males. She attempted suicide in front of us, constantly called us names, left us at school for hours after, would leave us at friends houses and just not pick us up. Would leave us for weeks on end with our grandparents even on birthdays and Christmas. Anyway it all continues until she met a guy who gave her an ultimatum she chose him and sent us to live in another state with our junkie father who again didn’t look after us at all. We never had food or anything when with him but we had each other.
Anyway we have all grown to be quiet exceptional women, I’m proud of who are we and what we have made it through! We are all mothers now and have definitely broke the cycle!!
But my question is when I’m with my family (kids and partner) I kind of don’t allow myself to embrace it if that makes sense for example... we go for a family day out ( my head tells me why are you trying to play happy family that doesn’t exist) and if we are all laughing at something my head again tells me (god you would look so stupid right now to everyone else pretending to be a happy family) that’s just an example there is more... but it only seems to be when my partner is with us this happens. I can be with my kids and enjoy it 100% but it’s like I just can’t allow myself to have a complete family.
I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense I have never said it out loud before so putting it into words is hard.
Does anyone else experience this?
Thanks xoxo
1 Replies
This is pretty typical for someone who has experienced the abuses you have, and on some level it makes completely sense. Of course, the inner voice is constantly belittling your actions as a wife and mother. You spent your childhood being abused, abandoned and made to feel like you didn't matter. You've grown up being shown that the people who gave you life and who are the ones who are supposed to care for and love you no matter what don't care for you. Logically, then, for you, you're always going to be waiting for that shoe to drop. For the people you are attached to to abandon you. Your inner voice is preparing you for that eventuality. This is a form of anxiety, these are intrusive thoughts.
Have you had counselling, or been to a psychologist to unpack some of this? A therapist may be able to help you find some strategies to get through it.