Where to begin. Alright. My oldest daughter (now 16) is from a previous relationship and lived with me from birth to 12 years old. She kept a close relationship with her father over that time so it was no surprise to me when she decided she wanted to go and live with him and his wife permanently as i was expecting that day to come at some point.
She lived with them for two years and over that time she became increasingly depressed, anxious and began self-harming. Her father and stepmother along with myself worked together to try and figure out what was happening with her and how we could help. After an argument with her stepmum my daughter revealed to her that she had been sexually assaulted by her step-grandfather.
She was instantly taken to the police station where she gave a statement. having to go through every detail of what had happened to her. He was arrested and charged, then let out on bail. This is when my daughter's depression really began to take hold. She began withdrawing from people to the point of not wanting to go out and do anything, she stopped playing sports and her school work began to suffer.
My brave girl went to court and testified and he was found guilty. He is now in prison and words can not describe how relieved we are.
Now between us we have all supported and tried to help my daughter in anyway we can. We took her to doctors and contacted support groups, counselors, CAMHS, you name it we researched it. My daughter refused all help offered to her. No counselors!!! Is a big one for her. She did try anti depressants for a while but now she refuses to consider them. She has withdrawn herself so deeply now that she barely leaves the house.
My question is what can i do to help her when she won't help herself I feel so completely helpless and it's heartbreaking to watch my beautiful daughter disappear before my very eyes.
If anyone out there has been through similar and can offer any advise, I am all ears. TIA
3 Replies
I watched and supported an adult male friend go through something similar. The difference being that he had started to self medicate with alcohol and drugs. It was an extremely scary time. I was frightened to leave him alone. I know this is strange, have you sought legal advice? Knowing what your daughter can be forced into if it comes to that legally is important to know and what couns as bad enough to force her. Look into support groups for families of victims of sexual abuse and mental health disorders. Being around families who've watched love ones do the same is invaluable. Also just because she won't talk to counsellors doesn't mean you can't. You can go to a psychologist or psychiatrist to get support for yourselves. Burnout is a huge issue when your watching someone go through this. It will also give you an opportunity to discuss strategies to help you communicate with your daughter.
I have lifelong PTSD as a result of childhood sexual abuse and not receiving therapy until it was far too late. I will be mentally disabled in some way for the rest of my life. Your daughter needs to see someone she can trust, unfortunately it may take her years before she feels ready for that, by that time the damage will well and truly be set in. Trauma can affect us years down the track, as much as she may want to forget things, its better for her if she doesnt. Until she realises this for herself, you need to support her, talk to her, ask her what she wants. Dont force help onto her, but get her out of the house occasionally, involve her in day to day things, make sure that she can see she is wanted and needed even if she cannot express it. Give her a responsibility, create meaning for her life. She needs a psychologist who has experience with trauma, but she has to be willing. Bravehearts and ACSA have good resources that may help you further.
I was sexually assaulted by my father at the age of 4 and my brother from ages 8 through to 11. They were both violent towards me and my mum also and i had to lie about my brother breaking my finger when I was 12.
I started getting mild depression when I was 15.
By the time i was 19 i had gone through a few severe depressive episodes and was on anti-depressants, i still am to this day and i am almost 24.
I withdrew a lot from activities i quiet usually enjoyed and from social activities and blamed myself. When i told my mum about my father she took me to the police as she knew he was into minors but by that stage they were divorced, however with my brother she swept it under the carpet and i suffered in silence.
I moved from melbourne to sydney to start fresh when I was 21 and not knowing anyone here i fell into a very deep depression, i couldnt work, leave the house or get out of bed. Each day i woke up and was obsessed with finding ways to end my life, i tried everything poisonous, then finally overdosed when my now fiancé came home and knew something wasn't right and rushed me to hospital with only minutes to spare. i tried again a few more times (even while talking to psych and getting lots of help and support). Then one day i just remember laying in bed thinking about what I as a person really love...walking with my dog, the beach and other things and it hit me, i want to help myself! i want my life back! I then pushed myself to get back out into the world which wasn't easy and i took many steps backwards but i was also progressing.
I still say this to me partner as we talk about this often and can now have a little laugh about it, but no one could help me until I was ready to help myself.
My advice to you (and i am now a mother myself to an 8 month gorgeous girl) is be there for her as much as you can, express to her you are proud of her and in no way blame her or are ashamed of her. Try and explain that sick man is winning (in maybe different words, sorry couldnt find a softer way to word it)
she is a beautiful girl, young and has so much ahead of her and many loved ones who support her.
And sometimes she could need a little bit of space, think things through properly herself and she'll know you're there for her whenever she is ready to get help.
I know this isnt a great deal of help or advice but maybe hearing a little bit of it from someone who has been violated in that way might help you to help her.
I truely hope that she can see some light and get her head on the right track in knowing there is so much more than what she has had to go through.
There are terrible things that happen and i was angry at the world as it disgusted me, but now i use it to make me a stronger person, a better person, friend and mother and most of all to help others with depression, suicide and sexual abuse.
Our love to you and your daughter xx