I have two sisters and we were raised by a single mum. Our childhood was very emotionally abusive. Mum left our VERY physically abusive dad when we were younge I was 3 and my sisters were 5 and 6 (my eldest sister and I remember ALOT of bashing’s, dad raping mum, swearing, running, hiding. The middle sister has blocked everything out and doesn’t remember a single thing) after mum left dad mum HATED us, she was very depressed and we copped the brunt while there was no physical abuse she would constantly leave us with strangers, not come home from ‘work’ even on some Christmas and birthdays we were left with our grandparents, if we would fight as sisters and young girls do she would scream and cry and have a mental break down running into the kitchen to putting a big nife to her wrist while swearing saying she hates us ( I can still remember our screams and crying petrified begging as she did this), had many different men throughout our lives and allowed them to hit us, one even attempted to jump into the eldest sisters bed naked, dragged us along to alcohol partied and forced the older sister to look after us, would leave us at school for sooo long our grandparents would have to pick us up, even turned up to school pick ups once sooo drunk she was slurring her words and had smashed our car up( the principle called DOCS) we moved into nana and grandads with mum while she got therapy but it never worked. This continues all through our lives until she met a man who gave her an ultimatum either him or us so she chose him and sent us to live with our dad in a different state (we were 12,14 & 15) dad is a junkie and we basically raised ourselves, food was never bought some nights we didn’t have dinner but we always had each other) us girls have ALWAYS been so close and protective of each other, we knew our upbringing wasn’t normal and THANKFULLY we all just rode it out until we were old enough to be on our own... we are all mothers now and I’m so happy to say we are nothing like her, our kids are our lives but unfortunately we all have seperate mental issues because of it (eldest is very insecure and allows herself to be a doormat and feels no one can love her, middle has severe anxiety and constantly feels the need to have people validate how important she is to them, and I have anger issues, and unfortunately lack empathy) we all see therapist. But mum is just still so shocking. My two older sisters don’t speak with her but I do... and she says such nasty things... example today she said ‘realistically I should never of had you three’ while staring in my face and just thinks that’s a normal thing to say to her child. I know I’m adult but fuuuuuurrrck that really hurt me... she’s said worse but that one really struck a chord. I’m 25 now am I to old to be feeling hurt like this? I want to cut her out like my sisters have but the argument to do it will exhaust me. Does anyone have mothers just genuinely DONT care, I look at some mother daughter relationships and feel so jealous... but then I look at my sisters and I and I feel soooooo grateful, they are my soul mates. We have walked through fire together and we have always held each other up!! I love them so much. I guess my question is, is it silly for me to be so hurt by that comment made by mum... I can’t ask my sisters because they will jump straight to my defence and put her in her place and I don’t want anymore drama.
10 Replies
Honestly, I think I should never have had my son. Not because he isn’t a wonderful person. But because I don’t think I’m a good mum. I mean I work really hard at it but it doesn’t come naturally to me at all.
I think your mum is just trying to acknowledge that she is a crap mum and that you kids were born into a situation where you shouldn’t have been. She clearly doesn’t possess the skills to be a mum.
I think you need to cut your mum out of your life. She clearly doesn’t have the skills to manage a parenting relationship with you. She will always trigger and hurt you.
My grandmother said a similar thing to me recently "your mum shouldn't have had you kids", it wasn't said out of spite, merely a fact. My mum didn't have the capacity to be a good parent (especially after my parents split also). So I tend to think that was your mums strange way of acknowledging that you guys suffered a lot because of her.
I used to work with kids who were going through the same as you had and they are the most resilient kids you could ever meet. A lot of these kids start using drugs and alcohol really young and the cycle continues. You and your sisters are already amazing for not continuing your parents mistakes.
I think you should look into your Mums life a bit deeper. Ask your grandparents (if they're still around) questions about her life before she had kids. Even ask your mum. She probably has PTSD from the abuse from your Dad and she could have another disorder happening there too to have created the monster she is and has been. I know none of it is an excuse. But it makes it easier for you, as a victim, to understand how a mother could possibly say those things when you understand her and how any illnesses she may have work.
I have suffered alot of emotional abuse from my ex of 15 years and because of that I had so much built up anger. When I started to understand why he acted the way he did I was able to look at it differently. I still choose to have nothing to do with him because he's emotionally dangerous, but having that understanding is uplifting, I am no longer his victim I see him as someone who needs help.
No you're not wrong for being upset. And you're not too old, it's awful hoe you can be a grown up and still have your mum make you feel like a child, somehow they can always do it. But as you grow up, you realise, and you make the hard choices.
I agree with the above, she may have been saying it as a reflection of what a shitty mother she was or how freaking hard her life was with kids, but the important point is how it hurt you.
How is your relationship with her? Do you just hang in there out of duty or hoping it will change? Or has it healed a bit? You could start to put up boundaries to enable you to keep the relationship while also protecting yourself, as a draining hurtful relationship will just wear you down over time.
Or if that's what's happening, you could decide it's time to also pull back or just cut her off too. I think you will find your strength, support and family will come from your sisters so you should invest yourself in your relationships with them.
I recently said a similar thing to my husband about being a mum in a moment where I was feeling like a failure. I doubt that comment was meant to be harsh to anyone but herself. However, I think considering everything else that walking away wouldn't be a bad thing.
Your mother went through the same remember she just didn't take it as well. It doesn't make her a great person just a damaged one. Some people just don't handle abuse well and it changes them as it has you and your sisters. The best thing for everyone is to stop contact with her. Tell her you love her but she needs to get help. Maybe in several years she will be in a healthier mind but you have no need to walk her through It she put you through enough
Abuse changes everyone!
Your mum is a very damaged human being. She went through a hell of a lot at the hands of your dad (and God only knows if he was her first abuser, or her last). She doesn't have normal responses to things, nor can she adequately express herself. She might have meant that she wasn't a good mother to you and she regrets it. Maybe she regrets putting you through all of that as kids and that's her twisted way of expressing it.
That doesn't mean you don't get to be hurt by what she says. You've been through a hell of a lot too, and she didn't protect you from it. If you aren't already doing so, it's probably really important for you to seek counselling or assistance with unpacking everything that you've been through.
Do you expect by sticking by her that she will change? Because she probably won't - or can't. Ar least not without a huge amount of therapy. If you can put up with her, if you don't expect anything in return, then stick by her. If you are hoping that one day she'll become a "normal" mum then I think you're setting yourself up to be disappointed.
It’s really hard to let go of your parents. But it’s okay to do it. You have your sisters, they are your family. It’s okay to be envious of other people’s parents, but remember, some people will be envious that you have your sisters. You aren’t alone in having crappy family members. Plenty of us have them.
I suggest seeing a psychologist, not because there is anything wrong with you, but just to help you make peace with who your Mum is. To help you be okay with it. To help you move on to have constructive relationships in the rest of your life. To help you let her go. You are enough. Your sisters are enough. Your mothers behaviour is not a reflection of you, or your worth. It is a reflection of hers.
I hope you find happiness x
I have issues with my mum. I suffer mental health issues due to many things but I'm the eldest and my 2 younger brothers don't see things the way I did. They weren't old enough to see the change and are just used to it and being boys she was different with them due to her past. My brothers don't support my feelings on the matter although my youngest brother does on the surface level but he doesn't understand the deeper stuff that I went through and he had me to protect him from a lot of what I went through so he didn't see as much as I did.
I've never cut mum off but there was a time when I stopped trying. I'd only talk to her if she called or we were at a family function and even then I'd keep it short and sweet.
I stopped offering to let her see the kids so she didn't see them for ages.
We talk now sometimes but when she starts getting nasty I back off. I still don't offer her the kids unless I need to which is pretty much never as I've learnt to not need her help.
I tell her very minimal about my life unless she asks.
She has never hurt my kids and she knows if she ever treats them the way she did me she would not see them again. It's not the kids fault so I'm not punishing them by not having their grandparents because I hated not seeing the one that I did have but they know that it is her choice not to see them not mine.
Mum still doesn't see herself as the problem though so I can't see things ever changing. They just go up and down and it's like a volcano, maybe one day it will erupt or maybe it will just shake every now and again. But I am 35 now and mentally prepared that if it blows up I will walk away. At 25 I wasn't and I tried to understand and blamed myself and tried to fix it to just constantly be hurt and let down. It still hurts sometimes but I know my boundaries and if she crosses them I'm done. U til then she is my mum so I will sit in the background until she feels like talking to me or seeing the kids.