Long read sorry...
So... I have this friend who i just met a year ago. I just moved to a small town so have no friends and am quiet lonely. My friend has 6 kids and literally lets them run loose where ever she goes... so my husband has barred them from coming over cause they either break something or are out of control. All our kids get on, except for my 3 year old. ( i have 5). My 3 yr old has a melt down if i even drive past her street cause he thinks we're going over ... my youngest 2 are aged 3 and 3 months and her youngest 2 are aged 2 and 11 months. Our older kids are all in school.
Her 2 year old daughter slapped my 3 year old so hard across the face when he went over to cuddle her goodbye? Her mum said nothing ... i quickly picked up my lil guy to console him i honestly did not know what to say. My son got no apology. Any toy he has even if its his own she'll attempt to take away, during lunch she'll eat all hers and try to eat all my sons.. Her mum wont say a thing so im left to discipline which is so frustrating cause i dont believe in disciplining another child other then my own. An example... i was at her house and took some lunch and a popper for each child. Her daughter drank her whole popper while eyeing my sons drink... as soon as she was done she came over and tried to take my sons drink away so i said to her in front of her mum ... xxx this is xxx drink, sorry baby. Hoping that her mum would have a brain to get up and grab her daughter a drink because we were at her house. So 30 mins later i get up to go wash my hands and my son comes running into the kitchen crying cause her daughter drank his whole drink! I walk back to the table and theres her daughter hiding under the table drinking my sons drink while her mum is just sitting there playing dumb? I was so annoyed i ended up helping myself to her fridge and just got my son a drink which i never do when i visit anyones home other then my family who live 15 hours drive away 😑 anyway shortly after, her husband came home and her daughter was still being a little brat so he sent her to time out and it pissed my friend off... She even went as far to tell her child in timeout that her dad was being silly...so uncomfortable having to be there but she was my first friend i met here and although Im still getting to know other mums in the area as in hi and bye and hope to eventually build some new friendships i feel like i need to be honest with this friend and tell her that she needs to start disciplining her kids and teaching them some manners or she wont make any new friends but i dont want to hurt her feelings?
Shes really a nice person just lacks with parenting skills?
Another example... went to the movies with her 6 and my 5 and during the movie she bought no snacks for her kids.. Her 10 year old came up to me in front of her mum and told me she was hungry? So i just looked at her mum and told her daughter to let her mum know.
Would you try to help a friend out and give them some advice? (although im not prefect myself i just know shes been here for 3 years and in the year ive known her she has no other friends and i think her parenting skills maybe the reason... i feel bad if i walk away because other then this shes really nice.. When its just us out getting a pedi without the kids i really enjoy her company..i just think maybe her other friends wanted to say something but didnt?).
OR should i just walk away from this friendship because we are just 2 different types of people and let her learn in her own time?
7 Replies
Look, you really can't tell your friends how to parent, if she wants to let them run wild or doesn't have foresight to bring snacks to movies etc, that's her choice. Considering she won't let her husband parent them properly, your advice will likely fall on deaf ears in any case.
I suggest just catching up without the kids or if that's not possible in public places, if she questions it be honest and tell her that you have different parenting styles and it's easier on your kids to catch up in neutral territory. And don't bring food and drinks for her kids.
You may not believe in disciplining other people's kids but it's people like your friend that actually make it necessary regardless of personal beliefs, so if you want to continue a friendship you're probably going to have to occasionally.
If this was me though, it's probably one of those friendship's I'd let fade away. I don't have a lot of tolerance or respect for people who don't parent their kids, particularly if it affects my kids but that's just me.
You’ll never convince her. My advice. You need to stop seeing her when you have the kids.
I wouldn’t put my children in the same space with children they are scared of.
I also think you might have people start to avoid you by association.
Just walk as it will make you crazy, or just be her kid-free friend, or... Just realise she does it differently and find ways to look after your own kids while around hers, but from experience, it will probably drive you mad as you really don't like it, so you may as well stop doing it now.
Re the slap, she should have made her child say sorry... But the child is 2, so the slap itself is not really an indication that the child isn't being raised properly. Either is her drinking your son's drink. Are her older children better behaved? Re the movie, my kids can watch a movie without needing food. It's her choice whether she packs/buys treats or plans to feed them when they get home. This all seems like kids acting their age. Some people I get paranoid around and over parent. Others I under parent. Usually I under parent when with my best friend because we want to catch up too. She might just want her brief get togethers with you not to be focused on correcting children the whole time
I think some of the things you mentioned aren't bad like the movie thing. I don't bring snacks to a movie either, my kids can go 90 mins without eating.
I understand you don't agree with her parenting, a lot of people wouldn't agree with it either...but she's not doing anything abusive so I don't think there's much you can really do. Maybe consider distancing yourself from the relationship or only catch up when you both don't have kids if that is possible.
I have a friend that I don't agree in her parenting style, or the way they all interact with each other mum/dad and kids together.
I choose to only see her kid free.
I use that I need me time (My kids are not coming)
Don’t take your kids anywhere near these people!!! Your little one is traumatised ffs!!
But if you must be around them, supervise your bloody kids, don’t turn your back for a second. If she’s not doing any active parenting, then you do it.
If you insist on being friends, don’t force your kids into it, you do adult only outings.
This Mum sounds like she’s not coping, are the kids well fed and well cared for? Doesn’t sound like it. Boundaries and rules are what a loving parent sets for their kids