So, when I was 7 years old, my mum met someone, fell in love, etc etc. he sexually abused me at 8 years old, for three years before I spoke up, it had a massive effect on my childhood and as much as I refuse to admit it, it does play a part now that I’m an adult with 3 children of my own. I don’t want to get into the gnarly details or start a sob story at all. I recently decided to search him on Facebook, I found him, his profile is quite private so I can’t see a lot. My problem is, I have this overwhelming urge to message him. To ask him why, to ask him if he is sorry, to ask him a million and 1 questions and to make sure he realises the effects it made on a young child well over a decade later. There was a restraining order out in place, unaware of it had an expiry. The worst he could say is nasty things, I’m pretty thicked skin now a days and I know who he is, I’m pretty sure nothing he says will upset me. My question is, can I get in some sort of trouble for messaging him? Is there a rule
Or law in place to never contact your abuser? I moved and live in a different state also if that helps.
I can’t talk to my partner about this as he just seems to treat me like an unstable wounded little girl when I mention it and he would probably find his Facebook and try to track him down! He means well and is just too supportive in the wrong way sometimes.
What would you do?
Contacted a childhood abuser
Contacted a childhood abuser
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Mental Health, Self Care
7 Replies
This is a really bad idea. Please don't contact him. Maybe go to a psychologist to work through your feelings. As much as you would like it, This man is not going to give you anything positive. It's hard to understand people that aren't nice and caring like us, but he doesn't have empathy and doesn't care about the impact on you, he won't change his mind, he will still only have nasty feelings towards you. You can work through this without him though.
This is probably the opposite of any advice anyone is going to give you, but befriend him with a fake account and try and gather as much info as you can (indirectly, by stalking not directly asking), if he is in a relationship with someone with children make an anonymous report to DOCS that you are known to the family and you suspect abuse. He is a pedophile and other children should be spared what you went through.
Really, really bad idea! Don’t do it. You won’t get anything out of this other than frustration at best at worst a toxic unhealthy friendship with your abuser.
It’s time to go speak to a therapist that specialises in this area.
Abuse does strange things to your mind. My friend ended up living with his abuser after contacting him for answers 😯. Don’t underestimate how much power over you an abuser can hold. Needless to say my friends situation did not end well.
If the restraining order is still in place, yes I believe you can get in trouble as you'd be breaching the order - they do go both ways. You should look into that to see if it's still in effect if you're unsure!
As for contacting him, he's not going to be able to give you what you need to move on, which I'm sure is what you want at this point yeah?
I know a person who confronted their high school bully (I know that's not even in the same ball park as what you went through but I think it's relevant to your situation), not only did said bully not even remember her, the bully couldn't answer to having hurt my friend because it didn't effect their life in the slightest.
My friend left feeling worse about it all.
You could catfish him as someone else suggested, you could contact him and berate him but that's all energy wasted on this man, energy and time and another part of your life that he doesn't deserve.
If you haven't already, seek some professional help to get some closure.
My advice would be don't bother contacting him. Like others have said, you are probably not going to get the reaction that you want. After I cut my abusive father off, I married 2 years later. I sent him a text message inviting him to my wedding and thinking that we might mend our bridges but he didn't even reply to my message. You need to see a counsellor to work through this with you. All the best
Did you go to the police back then? Was he ever charged? I’d see a specialist counselor and discuss what your needs are. Consider going to the police if not already.
Unfortunately you’re not likely to get what you’re looking for, and any contact could re traumatize you.
I’m sorry that happened to you. All the best
Sorry to hear you went through such a horrid betrayal as a child.
I was going to confront my abuser many years ago to ask the same thing why?
I spent time to analyze exactly what I had hoped to achieve from the meeting and I realized (luckily) that nothing he could say would ever justify or excuse this poor excuse for a humans Behaviour. At best would he apologize, or is he still the same manipulator he was all those years ago. I decided then and there yes what he did to me impacted greatly on myself, but in fact I was completely in control of my own decisions and path now. That no matter how hard I wished for a better childhood one free of sexual abuse I could not change the past. Confronting him would only cause me pain in that his “excuses” or “reasons” would never ever justify the horrible memories and scars he left on me emotionally.
I hope what ever you decide to do you do it with great support from your partner, friends and family.
Big love to you mumma💜💜💜