What is everyone’s opinion on co sleeping at 3.5 years of age?
A bit of back story my step daughter co sleeps with her mother to the point they hold hands my husband and I have tried overnight visitation however the minute you let go of her hand she wakes up screaming and won’t re settle this makes the weekend very difficult as nobody is getting a good night sleep because I’m stuck in her single bed while they have our main bed so they can co sleep but my husband can’t sleep because he can’t move without letting go of her hand.
For now we have stopped overnight visits because of this and have asked if they can start working on stopping co sleeping however the mother just abuses us and is refusing to stop co sleeping because she likes it. So what are your opinions on this and do you have any suggestions for us. We are going to court however she is holding up the system we scheduled mediation but she canceled 4 times so far since December we cannot go to court without mediation and mediation is saying we just have to reschedule until it is a suitable day for her. Please help I don’t know what to do anymore we would love to have the little angel overnight
Thank you
Opinion on co sleeping
Opinion on co sleeping
Posted in:
Behaviour
52 Replies
Personally I think co-sleeping is like breast feeding. It’s a safety net and they are only young once. I get that it’s putting you out but I wouldn’t imagine courts will enforce anything where co-sleeping is concerned.
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I think co-sleeping at 3 is fine. If that's what works, that's what works. You can't expect her to change what she's used to most of the time.
For me, the co-sleeping would be fine. The issue is she can’t sleep without her hand being held and wakes screaming when her hand isn’t held. That isn’t fair on anyone! It would be interesting to know how mum copes with that when she stops holding the child’s hand overnight. I know I don’t sleep in the same position all night and nor do my children. I think dad and stepmum should work on on getting the child to put her hand on dad’s arm or back rather than having to hold hands. Reinforce the whole “dad is still here, you can put your hand on my arm or back so you can feel that I’m still here beside you when I roll over.” It will take a lot of time but it really needs to be done for the benefit of everyone.
So in my opinion, what difference does overnight make anyway?? Why not have the child for the time during the day that they’re awake? I’ve never understood the overnight thing as they’re just asleep anyway.
If she lives with Mum full time then let Mum and her do what works for them at night time. It’ll stop eventually and when it does then consider overnight if watching a child sleep Is really that important for bonding.
Cos you’re not just ‘baby sitting’, you are parenting your child, who is in your care for a day which is 24 hours...
She’s only three, mum and dad have obviously split and dad has a new woman he lives with (been there). This may be the consistency and closeness she needs with her mum, considering all things, I think it is selfish to expect them to change things for a night at your place. Isn’t her emotional well-being and bond with her primary caregiver a priority over you guys have overnights? You could drop her home at say 7pm and pick her up at 7am, you could still do bath/dinner routine, just not the sleeping over until she is a little older. All kids are different, you have to do what is right for them, not what custody arrangements you deem appropriate for their age. I have a much older child and he still doesn’t do overnights at dads, because he likes sleeping in his own bed, he isn’t comfortable sleeping there, so we both don’t force the issue. It’s one thing I can say about my ex, he never forces my son into anything he doesn’t want.
Exactly this! Its about raising and supporting the child, asking a fulltime carer to train them to stop something to make it easier on you wont go across well.
Perhaps instead report back to her how you sleep in the single bed so here dad can snuggle her all night. And hes awake all night, so you can empathize a small bit with the mum whos done it nightly for years. youll probably get off to a better start. It wont last forever.
I think the hand holding thing is a bit of an over kill :/
I don’t think consleeping is good but hey everyone to their own
Maybe you might just have to do say visits :( I know it’s sad missing out of putting them to bed and waking up with them but until the co sleeping thing is worked out there’s no point distressing the kid out
If the child is upset and anxious (and NEEDS to hold hands) then this needs to be addressed
I feel that if thats how a child sleeps then trying to change it so you can have her without having to do it, without the hassle, is a bit selfish.
I do understand the clinginess and sleeplessness is a pain and not all cosleepers cling like this - she would be driving her mother to exhaustion as well, but she sees it as she is choosing to sacrifice to comfort and support the child and youre saying that doesnt work for you with two adults there, for a one-off night on a weekend.
Yeah mum puts up with it 90 percent of the time and they can’t do it for a night here and there. I think dad will survive without a good nights sleep, us mums do it ALL THE TIME and I’m sure partner can go a night without partner. Sleep on the couch if it is more comfortable.
Yeah it does highlight the different lives theyve both led the past few years of raising the baby.
I also wonder how these two would cope with a newborn, if they can’t handle one night a week.
You could get creative and get her one of those really big dolls, play with it during the day, get her to really love it and at night she cuddles/holds the dolls hand. Worth a try? 😀
Yes I imagine the mum did a bit of a hysterical laugh to be asked 'can you make it sleep better for us, we're tired'
To the nasty woman that just said that we I have a 9 year old that I brought up to be wonderful independent young girl that has never co slept because it was unfair on her father and yes I split with him when she was 3 months old so I did it on my own for 7 years
Well kudos to you for making that choice. You did what you thought was best. Now quit trying to push your choices and what you did onto your husbands ex. Just because you did it, doesn’t mean you were right or she is wrong.
I think its incredibly selfish on you and your husbands part to expect a little one to change her needs to suit yours. If she is holding hands while she sleeps it is likely its a security thing, just like a blanket or special toy. Either get over it and accommadate her or dont have sleep overs at all.
Co sleeping is very good for a child's sense of security. A study through RBWH showed that many families cosleep (even if its not regular or for the full night) up until 12 years of age. Many 3 year old children can't sleep on their own. My honest opinion is suck it up. Kids needs come first. She needs security with sleep and a relationship with her dad. She'll sleep in her own bed when she is ready. The question is, do you want to build a relationship between her and her father or not? Even if mum tries, she might not be ready to sleep on her own for a few more years.
I should add that my parents split when I was 2.i threw huge tantrums upon leaving mum and another huge tantrum upon leaving dad. Days that didn't include nights probably would have reduced that, but honestly, the whole weekend every second week was really important to our relationship. Day trips are for friends and extended family, not parents.
If my ex and his partner were telling me to stop co-sleeping (not that I do or ever have) I would be pissed. That’s not your choice or decision to make. And it’s kind of strange that you thought it was okay to tell her to stop...
Fair enough you guys have stopped overnights because it sounds very stressful for everyone, most importantly the little girl.
I’m not sure there is much you can do. Overnights aren’t a big deal tbh. Maybe ask if you guys can have her an extra afternoon or something to make up for it. Not a big deal.
It’s a big deal to have separated parents, new partners, different houses/routines ect. So just go with whatever makes the little girl the happiest. She is only 3 after all. And honestly, things will be fine eventually.
To flip the request, do you think it might be fair for the dad to change his lifestyle to parent the child through the night once a while to give the mum a break? As effectively thats what youre asking her to do to a 3 year old, to suit you.
Also you say stop doing it like its just that simple. Shes a baby of a divorce, i suspect its just her and the mum alone in the house, not cosleeping just to suit you and so you get a nice sleep on the odd night shes there is a really huge demand, and a little ignorant. This is life with a three year old youcant just train them to fit your life -unfortunately many part time parents believe you can because it works for their small window, but its actually the other parent and mostly the child that carry the burden.
Like the mum can flip a switch and the three year old will sleep on her own. This post really bugs me, having a toddler is tough/inconvenient, but you just deal with it, it’s called being a parent.
Been there done that my daughter never co slept because it wasn’t fair on her father
I think this is the stem of the issue. You didn't do it so you think you can tell her not to and you probably resent the disruption more than most would.
Not your child not your say on this and the best thing the dad can do for stability for the child is support and continue what the mother is doing.
I'm not sure how it's unfair to the dad? He's getting quality time and reinforcing his relationship with the child by meeting her emotional needs? So he's getting interrupted sleep. So what?
You do get that all children are different right?They are individual people.
Jesus thank you for saying this. I HATE how people assume all kids are the same. It really irks me! OP and the mother are obviously totally different people but OP expects the children to be the same. Sounds like mum puts her child first but OP values convenience for the adults above comfort for the child.
Not cosleeping from birth versus trying to change a three year olds routine, yeah that’s the same thing, not!
It comes down to what's in the best interests of the child. Honestly (and I know I'm going to cop shit for this), at 3 and a half and needing to hold hands all night to sleep and screaming the place down if that stops - that's not a healthy level of attachment nor is it fair on everyone else. So I'm with you, I don't think trying to work on better sleeping habits is an unreasonable request. That doesn't mean co-sleeping has to stop all together but implementing some self soothing techniques would be in the little girls best interest.
What if its not an "attachment" issue but the child needing to feel secure? They have no right to ask the mother to change a childs routine, and make a child feel insecure to suit them cause they arent sleeping.Childs needs first priotity not because they arent getting sleep.
Remember this child’s parents aren’t together and she probably experiences a bit of anxiety/stress from the separation, plus separation time and time again each time she is visiting each parent. And she is only 3. If her mother doesn’t want to force her to grow up older then she needs to, that’s her mothers choice.
And as a mother myself, if my partner and I separated, and he and his new girlfriend tried changing the way I patented my children, to suit them, to give them a better nights sleep once a week or whatever, I wouldn’t be for it. Not even for a second.
Then I feel if all the adults involved could get on the same page and find alternative solutions to help her feel secure. Like I said, co-sleeping doesn't need to stop but Dad should be able to roll over and be comfortable at the very least. Just putting up with it til she grows out of it isn't a great option.
Children develop independence in different areas at different stages when they feel secure. Holding hands makes her feel safe. She will stop needing it in time... But forcing it to stop will make her feel unsafe. Your opinion is your opinion, and that is OK. But from a child psychologist perspective, it isn't correct.
I understand that and I wasn't actually suggesting she be forced to stop but rather gently encouraging her into other methods of feeling safe and secure that benefit everyone, the situation as it is sounds distressing for her. There's got to be some way of helping her so she's not reduced to a screaming mess should dad need to let go of her hand.
I just don't accept sleep deprivation to be a good solution, I mean, god forbid Dad's so tired driving her home or driving to work that he has an accident?
Fair enough. I was picturing sleepy crying like what my kids do when they're searching for Teddy rather than hysteria lasting ages
It sounds as though she has some attachment issues. It would be interesting to know the details of the split. Has someone left her while sleeping?
I've already commented and I think the message you are getting is pretty clear, but can I just say, all parents feel like they wish their child would do what they want from time to time. The biggest lesson in being a parent is understanding that you can't control your child's emotions or personality. The other mum's commenting may have forgotten how they felt when they learnt that lesson. You're going to have to learn to role with this and encourage her into her own bed slowly. I suggest slowly working up to her sleeping beside your bed, then falling asleep in her own bed with dad leaving after she is asleep then with a good bedtime routine with lots of books and cuddles. It may take years. But you will get there. Just in time for the next parenting hurdle lol.
Oh, and once she is sleeping beside your bed, a special blanket she chooses and soft toy can help make the transition to her big girl bed feel like her decision.
You say that you really want to have her but is this conditional on her routine and needs not being an inconvenience?
Because the way I look at it is that this little girls Mum is doing what you and your husband are complaining about 90% of the time without complaining because that what her daughter needs. I’m sure you guys can suck it up for a few nights a fortnight. Her visitation should never be dictated by your convenience. Ever.
From another angle....the father is an equal parent, how about he enforce his own rules/boundaries in his own home? Step up and parent and do what he wants instead of getting mummy to “train her”, like she’s a dog. He wants her to independently sleep in his house, then he puts in the hard yards and does it, it’s that simple. Little kids have different rules everywhere, play group, day care, childcare, friends houses, they are resilient and they get to understand different expectations. Dad has his own unique relationship with his daughter, he needs to develop that how he wants, not expect mum to do the tough work for him. Your post basically says, train her for us so she sleeps alone so we can get a better nights rest. He’s her dad, time for him to step up and parent her as he sees fit and stop whining to mum. Also, all children are different, stop comparing, what is right for one, may not be for another. You expect kids to be robots or something, to be trained up, they aren’t, theyre little people with individual personalities, different life experiences with their own feelings.
Love this! I’m so sick of mothers being expected to do all the hard things. Dad can pull his finger out and deal with this stuff too!!!
It annoys me so much that they’re wanting Mum to deal with nights or even weeks of sleepless nights because Dad doesn’t want to have to deal with losing any sleep. Wake up mate, you had a kid. You’re going to lose sleep and things are not always going to suit you or be convenient!
Ex picks son up......
Ex: DS needs a haircut.
Me: So, why don’t you get him one today?
Ex looks at me confused!?!?
Not his job right? Arghhhhh
Love this too, completely agree however I'm concerned this poster will take this to mean they can take her on the odd night and make her stay alone in her own bed overnight because apparently her kid did it fine. thats not it at all. Slowly trying gentle strategies though, putting in the work, the sleepless nights and responding appropriately to the way the child Is coping, yep that's dads job.
Completely agree with you and I hope this kid isn’t compared to her step sibling for the next twenty years, could be very damaging.
Omg you didn’t co sleep and your child is so perfect at the age of 9, everyone must follow in your foot steps because all children are the same and you know exactly what they all need👏👏👏 please 🙄
I bet if you were in a different house with different people being scared you probably wouldn’t want to sleep alone either.
Why is it okay for you, a grown arse woman to want to sleep with someone and feel loved but it’s not okay for a 3 year old to want to sleep with him?
Doesn’t sound like you’re worried about the kid, sounds like you’re worried because someone is taking your place in daddies bed and poor you has to sleep in her single bed.
Here’s an idea, stop comparing her to your child, stop being jealous and do what’s in the best interest of that child 🤦♀️
Agreed. I sleep poorly when not beside hubby and I'm 37 lol. No wonder a 3 yr old struggles!
I'm sorry but all I hear from this post is how it's inconvenient for you and you and hubby haven't really tired. There's nothing wrong with cosleeping. The fact that she screams when he lets go might be because she is away from mum and her home. Not resettling is a sign she isn't comfortable overnight and feels scared. Doesn't mean mum holds her hand all night. She's only little for a short time and her emotional wellbeing should be of high priority. Whatever works is usually best. Maybe next time by a nightlight, a special toy for her to cuddle. Try putting a mattress on the floor and be very reassuring.
I don't understand why a parent would cancel sleep overs with their own child just because of one or two nights of interupted sleep. Sleep interuption based on a 3yo, who has had to adapt with parental seperation, two sets of parents and two homes. She's probably feeling insecure. Plus, she is also only 3! There are lots of different ways to increase her emotional security and get comfortable with a routine at your house, but cancelling sleep overs is not one of them. You can't just give up, because you think its the other parents problem and they need to change in order for you to make it work in your own home.
1-2 nights sleep deprivation and he has cancelled overnights on his daughter and blamed the other parent. Over 1-2 nights of broken sleep. Not every night of the week, merely 1 or 2. Seems a bit far fetched to me. Just try different things to help her feel secure, give her some time, she will grow up and out if it. But cancelling overnights wont help.
If this little girl is so insecure that she screams when no longer holding hands, then I’d be looking into some form of counseling. Does Mum get a good night’s sleep? Does she have to hold her hand every night all night?
Mum and dad need to work together, I guess that’s what mediation is for if you can’t coparent amicably. Frustrating that she keeps canceling, in the meantime dad can seek advice from sleep specialists or a trauma/family counselor.
I don’t like the message he’s sending by cancelling over night stays, it says to a 3 year old ‘your presence is an inconvenience’.
My two year old had a cancerous tumor removed, I ‘slept’ on the little fold out bed alongside him for 8 nights holding hands. His little body twitched frequently because of the meds. He is now 14, he coslept at his dad’s when we first separated, and now sometimes sleeps in his brother’s room or with the dog on his bed 🐕
As parents, we do what is needed to ensure our kids feel safe and secure.