Ms 12 started high school this year however instead of transitioning to the local public high school she went to a private school, most of the children in year 7 came from the primary school located on the same grounds (so everyone knows everyone)
All of Ms 12 close friends went to the local public school, leaving her to start school with no friends.
Ms 12 is having an extremely hard time, she hasnt made any real friends and sits in the library at lunch and recess.
I monitor her social media (Instagram only) and messages. I have noticed she has messaged kids at her new school a few times saying ""hey"" however has not received any responses.
Tonight I noticed she sent a chain message to a group of people. With 2 replys back, one saying dont send me that stuff and the next saying its not real so why send it.
Tonight Ms 12 stated she wants to leave the current school and go to the local public school with all her friends. She stated ""you dont know how had it is to have no friends and when i do try and talk to kids they just ignore me""
In the past 9 weeks of school Ms 12 has stopped eating ( can only get her to eat dinner), minimal water intake (which is bad as she has renal issues) extremely angry and sad and tonight cried herself to sleep.
2 weeks ago I took her to the doctors to discuss these issues however the doctor stated give it 6 months, girls always find change hard.
Tonight I have email the year 7 adviser and requested a meeting to see if anything can be done to help this transition.
The local public school has an unfavorable reputation hence our decision to send her to a private school.
My question is, do I continue her at the private school in the hope things will get better (i also beleive its a better education) or do I move her and hope the schools isn't as bad as its reputation.
I should add ms 12 has an older siblings at the private school, I see Instagram photos of his old school friends drinking, smoking and posting about being with girls. Seeing these things adds to my stress.
I want Ms 12 to be happy but I also want her to have the best education.
Any advice would be helpful. Thank you
Hard transition to high school
Hard transition to high school
Posted in:
Teenagers, Tips and Advice
18 Replies
What’s the point of a good education if she is a headcase in the process?? She can’t take advantage of that education if she feels that alone and isolated.
I’d get it if she wasn’t trying, but she clea rly is and they are not letting her in. I wouldn’t let her self esteem crumble like that.
What is the point if she is so miserable she can’t eat or drink and goes into renal failure. I’m usually a pretty hard core, tough parent and I’m with your daughter!
12 year old me wishes you could talk sense into my parents!
OP, so much of your post has taken me back to my childhood. I started year 7 at a private P-12 school, all the students had come up from the primary school so relationships/friendships had been long established, I was one of only 5 new children out of about 80, and I knew no one. I struggled terribly trying to put myself out there to make friends and deal with the rejection and constant bullying. I spent my recesses and lunchtimes in the library, escaping to other worlds in books. It beat crying in the toilets. The school blamed me, said I wasn't trying hard enough to make friends, and my parents initially blamed me... rather than see the signs of someone suffering from bullying and severe social anxiety. It took two years before they agreed to consider changing schools, however the lasting effects of their decision to send me to that school had already presented themselves and are still with me 20 odd years later - depression, anxiety, issues with basic socializing, making and keeping friends, trusting people, self-esteem and the list goes on.
Finding the right school for your daughter isn't just private v public. It's the best place to meet her academic needs and support her mental health. The shitty public school might not be the right answer, but that doesn't mean persevering with the school she is in now is either. The comment above is 100% right, your daughter can get the best education money can buy, but if her mental health is sacrificed or suffers because of it - her education will only ever get her so far.
I'm thinking of you as you go through this - wish there was an easy answer Xx
My daughter goes to a private school so I get where you're coming from. However, she is in year 3 and the school is a prep-year 12 school so she will have people she knows the whole time. It would be hard starting over in high school with people you don't know.
My heart really breaks for your daughter. If I was in this position I would move her. I think a child's well being is more important than education.
Okay, sending chain mail is annoying. I would have responded in the same way.
Sending a message with just “hey” is closed ended.. someone else can just respond hey and that’s it. Try and encourage her to send open ended messages like “Hi! How are you? I was hoping to get to know you a bit better if that was okay with you? I don’t know many people in this school :)” if she’s just sending hey it’s setting herself up for failure (I’m so guilty at never ever responding to just hey)
I was at a private school from primary and I was so glad when some newbies came in for secondary school, I was able to branch out and make new friends. She just has to come out of her shell a bit. Encourage her to stop going into the library where she won’t come across other kids/groups and go and sit outside - even just ask to sit with a group. I really don’t think kids that age will just say no (particularly at private school)
Education should never come at the price of a person's mental health. Ultimately, the only difference between a public high school education and a private high school education is that one looks better on your resume.
Every high school faces the same issues - Bullying and exclusive behaviors, social issues, peer pressure, 'bad crowds' to fall in with, opportunities to experiment with drugs and alcohol etc so don't discredit the school with an ordinary reputation, she may be a hell of a lot happier there.
I was in your daughters position, I started year seven in a highly revered high school, my mum made me stick it out for 18 months (the last 6 being especially difficult), I finally moved to a school with the worst reputation in my state. I still faced tough times but at least I had some friends by my side to help deal with it and I believe I got a decent education.
That said, changing schools isn't going to be a magic solution to all her problems. She's still going to have to put herself out there and make new friends (she may not even end up with her old friends or they all may have made new friendships), she's going to have to learn better coping strategies and build some resilience - I feel like some counseling would help with that.
Good luck
I completely disagree, the education I received at private schooling was WAY above the public school, the electives offered were much greater and the opportunities really were endless. There certainly wasn't any bad crowds nor ANY bullying (literally NONE.. it had a zero tolerance for bullying with immediate suspension or expulsion). When I moved to public I felt bored with the basic education and I certainly was surrounded by some very different crowds.
I agree. I went to both and private was way better and now my son goes to a private school after 8 years in the public system and wow, what a difference it has made to every aspect of his life.
That's all well and good but if the so called better education comes at the cost of her mental and physical health, not to mention the effect this would be having on her socially and the impact on her self esteem - issues that can last a lifetime. You have to ask if it's all worth it?
Personally, I don't think it is!
Yes but let's say she moves to another school. Said friends from Primary School have all moved on/branched out to new friendship groups and she doesn't fit in. She's the "snob" who went to private school. And she's back to square one. Her mental health will debilitate even more. This early into the year there's ways around it, she needs time to fit in and find herself. Moving isn't always the answer.
I actually agree with you to a point - moving schools should ideally be a last resort, you can't just up and leave school every time you face adversity but there comes a point if all else has failed where moving really is the best option.
As I said in my original comment, moving schools is not going to be the sole solution making everything back to normal again. Learning how to make and maintain new friendships in new environments is an important life skill, friendship dynamics do change in high school and by moving schools there will be another challenging adjustment - being the new kid again.
It does sound like the OPs daughter struggles with change and is turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms (IE, rejecting sustenance and isolating herself), I think those issues need to be addressed before committing to big decisions like changing schools.
I was your daughter (but before social media or even mobile phones...) It took a while but by the end of the first year I had new friends. Walking to, and riding the school bus home was the best place to make new friends, and mum joined me into a fellowship group, joined the choir, played a musical instrument - it gave me something in common to meet people with. Gradually I dropped these activities and joined others but it was a good way to be with like-minded people without forcing myself on them. My brother went to the local public school across the road and had the same issues as me just a different school :) Talk to the school with her and support her. You can always move at the end of the term or year if it doesn't work. Good luck.
Back to another doctor and don't be palmed off because shes a girl!!
I went from a public primary to a private high school and knew no one
It
Took some time but I made friends. She can’t just sit in the library every break she needs to go
Out and start making friends. Join a club at the school, join a sports team join the choir. My mum made me stick it out and I wasn’t allowed to leave my
Sister was the same.
Getting her involved will
Help and will make her have to talk to people she doesn’t know
Okay, she needs to socialise with new people. School years don’t last, but learning to make friendships, working relationships, will benefit her in the long run.
Start by trying new clubs, social groups, sport groups. Chess clubs, netball, basketball, drama club, soccer, reading groups, music groups are all apart of high school and are all a great way to mingle.
Talk to her year advisor and ask if he can “buddy” her up with someone for a week or so, there are people who do this when students are new, or struggling to make friends.
Encourage her to eat and read in public, or walk around the oval.
Reach out to people in the classroom, and ask open ended questions when using messenger tools.
I moved schools mid way through year 7. It was hell! I cried daily.
But by the end of the year I had so many friends! It can take time
As the parent, you sometimes need to make decisions for your children that they are not going to like because you can see the bigger picture and you know it'll be better for them in the long term. I encourage you to stick with your plan to send her to the better school.
Also have a chat with the support staff at the school, guidance officer, chaplain, school nurse, councillor, about what your daughter is going through. They may be able to help in some way.
If you are still concerned about her mental health (totally understandable, I would be too) go and get a referral to see a child psychologist from your GP. They can help teach coping strategies and build resilience for your daughter which she can apply to many life situations. If you have a referral and mental health plan in place, you can get Medicare rebates for the first 6 sessions, sometimes bulk billed depending on the psychologist. In most cases the 6 sessions will be ample to set people up for success.
What a lot of people don't realise is it is generally much easier to be successful and look after your mental health when you get help before problems get out of hand. A visit to a psychologist to keep you healthy is better than many visits after you become overwhelmed.
Good luck mumma bear!
I went to a really terrible public school in Melbournes West with a bad rep (and to be honest, really shitty scummy people) and i was bullied hard because i was the only aussie and not a serbian or macedonian like the rest so i didnt fit in.. in saying that, once I got out I pulled myself together and i came out of that shit hole a nurse, and two of my peers are almost finished becoming doctors.. theres an architect, a film director, musicians etc out of my year level (also some drop kicks who had kids at 14). No matter where she goes, if she tries hard the school will recognise it and will support her and she can succeed. She may get bullied wherever she goes, i say try the public school out. She needs to be happy. If she is happy then she will succeed, no matter where she is. All the best!
Change schools