Mums, I’m really struggling.
I’m struggling with coping with change.
Any change.
It could be planning to leave the house at 8.30am but being later than that, completing lots of work on a project at work to be told the goalposts have moved and to change everything, it could be being asked to change something little in a project at work that I hadn’t even thought of (and I like the suggestion), but my response and body language don’t hide the panic I feel at the suggestion of change.
It could be something as little as someone saying they’ll be at my place at a certain time, and they’ll be late or early and inside I just panic.
Or hubby being home slightly later than he said. I sit at home and plan his funeral because I think he must have had an accident or something horrible.
I don’t curl into a ball and cry. But fuck I want to.
I feel like I eventually adjust to the change, but then all that forced adjusting builds up and I start losing my cool with simple shit with the kids, or my hubby, or the opposite and I find I can’t bring myself to respond at all, and I shut down.
Most of the time, I hide my anxiety so well. I have mastered the fake smile.
I just had my performance discussion at work. 98% was positive. My team is happy, they feel supported, I’m an awesome team leader and we achieve great things.
BUT, manager noted I need to work on how to adjust to change (mainly the small stuff that most people take in their stride, that they vent to their family about when at home... not mull over for weeks like I do).
This is how I am. It’s how I’ve always been. A chronic over thinker, even as a kid in school.
I grew up in a verbally and psychologically abusive home. I walked on eggshells, and routine became my safe place (I knew what to expect) and change meant volatility and potential attacks.
Everything in me wants to run. Far and fast after this performance review.
It sounds so silly. I know this. I know this so much.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix me.
I have seen many psychologists in the past. They have all helped with other things, but when they get to this, I can’t handle it and I just don’t go back.
I acknowledge it’s happening.
I acknowledge it’s impacting my life.
I don’t know what to do.
7 Replies
This is an effect of anxiety, you probably know that. Youre struggling so much to control your environment to manage your anxiety that you cant cope when things.
You need strategies to help you cope. Positive self talk, all those things, but when you can reduce your anxiety not just control it you'll start to not be so flustered by road bumps, and once you start getting through them fine, you'll stop worrying about them,youll believe your self talk, that its ok and you can do it.
As for what to do -go back! Dont run away. I know you think its part ofyou but its something that can be helped and youll do much better with coping when youre on top of this. Go back to the psychologist and consider medication, whatever they suggest as they will know you best and be able to explain what is happening to you.
After my child was born i was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder. And you have pretty much described it to a tee. You need to go back to you psycologists to help you with the anxiety and ways to cope if things do not go to plan. I still have my routines but if something happens out of my control i do find now i get less worked up about it. Good luck
I can relate to a lot of this, I'm also a chronic over thinker. Sometimes I catch myself obsessing over something awkward I said/did months or even years (hell, even decades) ago, I also don't take minor criticism well. The thought of being late anywhere puts me on the verge of a panic attack, even being on time makes me stressed. I can't relax unless Im early.
You really do need to persist with the psychologist and hopefully get some healthier coping strategies in place and there's also the option of anti anxiety medication too.
When I'm feeling like this I stop and I give myself a little pep talk (I know that sounds crazy 😂), IE "I'm being stupid, the world won't end if I'm slightly late"
"stop thinking about that thing that happened 10 years ago, no one else even remembers it"
"OK that criticism hurt but I will not dwell on it".
Good luck, I know too well how overwhelming this can be!
Thats not crazy. Its a good coping strategy - positive talk. Change that inner dialogue from negative to positive. Ok dont beat yourself up, but things like ' theyre being constructive, it means I can learn and get better' ' the world wont end, Ill just apologize and we'll move on, ' it wont be a big problem at all' ' i can handle this'
I like the way you described that - inner dialogue is the term I was searching for lol, 'talking to myself' just didn't sound right!
It's just my way of giving myself a reality check and helps me put things into perspective.
So true, its a problem for anxiety sufferers, overthinking and catastrophising, coming at things from a negative and worried place, whereas a person who can cope would be having a completely different inner dialogue and sailing through the same situation without a hitch.