Not sure how to feel, my husband and I have had a pretty much non existent sex life since the birth of our second son 3 years ago, I just don't feel like it EVER. Occasionally we have had sex when I really haven't wanted to but agreed anyway and I always cry afterwards and feel cheap and used so from now on I don't do anything sexual unless I feel like it. My hubby recently asked a counselor and a dr about it and the dr recommended looking for a medical problem first then looking into the psychological side. What's upset me is that my husband bluntly said to me 'we need to sort this out before we buy a house together because if I have to leave you I don't want there to be a house involved'. Even after the threat of leaving I can't seem to force myself to 'want it' and I just can't bare doing it when I don't want to. When I say Non existent sex like I'd say maybe once or twice every couple of months. Has any one else been here?
Please be nice I'm feeling so fragile.
Husband says he will leave me because we don't have enough sex.
Husband says he will leave me because we don't have enough sex.
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Self Care
37 Replies
Well this to me is just really sad. Love making should be a beautiful and enjoyable thing and should be something that brings the two of you together. If you really do not want to have sex and if you have tried forcing yourself to do it then regret than you should not do it. However, I don't want to hurt your feeling but I honestly could not be in a relationship with a man that just didn't want to have sex with me. To me sex is important, for stress relief, to feel loved etc. I can see why he could be upset if you aren't following up on the reasons behind it. Have you been seeing a counselling and going to the doctor to get to the bottom of it? I think it is a bit harsh that he is threatening to leave you because of sex, but you can't expect him to stay with you if he isn't happy. Are you happy? Do you love him? I've had moments in my life where my sex drive was low but I would say it only lasted a few months because I was going through a bit of a depression but I got help and everything came back to usual. Good luck. I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult position.
I have no advice! Just want to let you know that your not alone! My partner has also threatened to leave me if I don't stop constantly turning him down. But I just don't want to have sex :(
Okay I feel like I wrote your story. I don't feel like sex at all either! Why does this happen to a lot of us females? Why can't we get a straight answer as to why this happens and get it fixed. My partner threatens me he will leave if I don't start doing it again but I have no desire to at all. I don't know if it's him or me, I don't know if I'm physically attracted to him or not, are you physically attracted to your partner? I know I love mine and I don't wanna ruin our family but I just do it so he doesn't whinge and I feel horrible. My son is two and straight after having him I haven't felt like doing it. Do we have low libidos? Do we need counceling? I really don't know why this happens and I honestly feel for you cos I'm the same and have no idea what to do. He keeps saying get help, but how when I don't know what's wrong. Grr.
I hope we can both overcome this, I wish you well, and all other ladies that this affects. Xx
I feel the same and haven't had sex with my husband for a nearly two years. I suffered depression have seen a psychologist nothing works. I love him with all my heart but at this stage wouldn't care if I never had sex again. Lucky his understanding. Yes sex is important but love and suport is more important. Threatening you isn't the way to go...
Yes why do so many of us feel this way? Is it hormonal? Is it emotions? Is it that we are a mum, a cook , a cleaner a chef and often work too that it's the last thing on our minds?
Just know our not alone....
I think when we have a problem in out lives we should do everything reasonable to rectify the situation. If you've seen a dr about your libido and you've been to counselling to sort it out and it's not improving then your husband should be being more understanding. If your not doing those things then I can see your husbands point of view. Imagine if your husband had an issue that affected your marriage and he was not trying to resolve it, how would you feel?
Do everything possible and be as proactive as you can to get this issue fixed. If you are demonstrating that you are trying to get this fixed then you hubby would be a lot happier then him having to do all the work for a problem that arisen within you (which it sounds like he had to do already with the counsellor).
I'm sorry you feel fragile and I don't mean this in a mean way but I could understand when he said that he'd leave you. A marriage is made up of so many things but one of the crucial elements that differentiates a marriage from any other relationship is the sexual part. Plus men show and feel love from sex so currently you are just showing him no love or essentially saying you don't find him attractive. Although you might try to explain it to him it doesn't matter, it's his instinct (just like our maternal instinct) to feel love through sex.
I'm a mum who gave birth 9 months ago, exclusively bf and am antidepressants (which reduce libido) so I def do not want to have sex but I do it so my hubby is satisfied and happy.
Good luck with this issue :)
I'm so sorry for your position but I think if you want to save your relationship you need todo a lot of work on your side. Get your medical tests done and that could tell you the problem right there are there things he can do to help with getting in the mood? Tell him maybe a massage without it leading anywhere a few times and slowly work on your intimacy .
Are you pressuring for a house? Does it keep coming up? I think he has done the right thing and been honest , even though I know it hurts , and I know he must be hurting over it , I knowni would be the same in his position
Good lik get the test ect and go from there xx
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5404766?ir=Parents&utm_campaign=053014&ut... I just read this today :-) you are not alone x
Just a thought but have you had your thyroid checked? I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (an autoimmune disease) shortly after the birth of my 3rd child. I initially thought it was just having kids that took my libido away but apparently not. Hashi's has hundreds of possible symptoms and lack of sex drive is one of them. We have literally had sex twice since my son was born 21 months ago! I feel terrible for my partner and often wonder whether he has considered leaving me. His actions have never suggested it but it doesn't stop my mind from going there. After a year of treatment my symptoms are improving and hopefully my mojo is next ;) Good luck to you xx
You need to seek therapy WITH your partner. I've been here with my ex . I had 2 children to this man and I ended up leaving him as it became too much to bare. He was constantly wanting sex and I NEVER desired it , it becomes a chore. He would threaten all sorts of things to get it that it almost felt like consensual rape when we had it. He KNEW I didn't want it yet as I lay there he would still choose to have sex with me . I felt sick to the stomach during it . I would go away and cry afterwards . I have no idea how It got that way as he wasn't a 'bad' person I just lost all desire for sex . I think I just lost all respect and I realise now he had NO respect for me . He he didn't care or try understand how I felt he just wanted his sexual desires met and that's all that mattered to him.
I realised afterwards that is what made it worse . You get backed into a corner and all the yelling and nagging for it does not help to 'turn you on' . It pushes you away further.
I did counselling for it once I left and now I have a wonderful husband who NEVER pushes me for it and yet now I crave for it and we happily have sex at least once a week. It seems to me that because my husband RESPECTS me and I now respect myself, things are completely different . Good luck . xx
I think you should try counseling. Tell him how you feel. Try to 'start again'. Go on goofy dates, hold hands, kiss, buy yourself some sexy lingerie to make YOU feel good, add some spice to it. You may just be bored of the same old same. My partner and I massage each other EVERY NIGHT before we go to sleep, it isn't sex but it's still very intimate and his soft touch makes me feel good and mine makes him feel good too. I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of line, but you crying afterwards sounds a lot like rape to me and no on should feel like that! Life gets busy and tough but if you both work together you can and will get through it. Best of luck.
I hear you sista!! No sex drive after my baby who is 3 years old. We got pregnant immediately and then basically didn't have any sex till a year later ( not exaggerating). Then I injured my back and didn't have sex for another year. We are trying for a baby now and having sex around 5-8 times a month- not heaps but hopefully enough.
Thankfully my husband's sex drive isn't huge and he certainly hasn't pressured me. I do feel for my husband though as he may like more sex but its both of us in the relationship.
I've no real advice just wanted to say, YOU ARE NOT ALONE
I know how you feel, I'm going through this. It's the roar emotions that are stopping you. I have hit rock bottom, physically and emotionally. The desire is gone. To put it bluntly, like my councillor did, I put my kids, the household and everything else before my husband. I do think you need to speak to someone, but only if you want to fix the problem. You can't be forced.
Hi fragile mamma,
2-3 times every few months was normal for me for a few years. We had a few babies in that short time, loads of marital stress, PND plus other factors. Our situation has eased (our children are a year older), plus we got a little counselling.
Your husband sounds like he cares but articulates like a Baffoon (can happen in states of stress).
Step over the unhelpful comments and go straight to the supportive ones. A quick glance showed some good insights in these:
Jennifer kilshaw
Wayne Wilson
Lauren hibbird
Love and peace,
Another Once-fragile, now content mum.
This might sound weird but have you tried having sex with yourself first? after both my children I got out the vibrator and sorta had to learn how to feel those feelings again without someone else involved because I didn't want to even attempt to "do it". I was tired and sore and just didn't feel in the mood. but its that age old advice "you have to love yourself first" thing. try loving yourself in the shower...in the bath... when you have a nap hehe :)
good luck with everything :)
I too am going through the non exisant sex life after the birth of our now 2 year old. Although my husband hasn't said much about it I have seen my dr and he told me that with women our libido works different to men. If we don't use it we lose it. His advice to me was to first try and be close to my husband, cuddle and what not without the expectation of sex and eventually you might feel like going further. The more you have sex the more you would want it essentially. But he also told me if this still doesn't get things moving we could try and see a marriage councilor or something's similar. Maybe talking to your doctor could help with working our something that will work for you.
Firstly, can I just say thank-you for being brave enough to bring up a subject so many of us experience but haven't been able to bring ourselves to discuss! You are a champion!
Like many others, I have also been through what you describe. I am a work in progress!
We have 4 kids, and until recently my husband worked away and did odd hours (overnight work), which meant that when he was home all he wanted to do was sleep and have sex. I began to wish he wouldn't come home :(
I knew, though, that I loved him and that I wanted him to be part of our family. I knew I had to do something because it was my problem,(he desired me, I just didn't want to be intimate with him).
The first thing my doctor suggested was to go off the contraceptive pill. Yep, it helped me - not amazingly, but a little and that was the first baby step. She also suggested seeing a counsellor, but I haven't done that yet.
My husband has been so patient and kind. He could see I was trying, even though it's clear I'm still not into it very often. I think if your hubby can see you are also making an effort to be in the relationship he will also be gentle with you. We are intimate in other ways, too, like holding hands, reaching out and touching one another when we're driving somewhere, or I might sit on his knee while watching tv. He knows I don't like to be massaged, nor do I like to massage others, but I'll give him a back scratch or a head massage every evening, and this just starts to build the intimacy and trust (that you lost the first time you felt you HAD to have sex for his sake when you really didn't want to).
Be kind to yourself, and be kind to him. He obviously loves you or he wouldn't have gone to the lengths he has to fix the problem. Look after yourself so you can start to feel like the sexy woman he sees, visit your doctor for that difficult but important conversation, and take whatever baby steps you think might help. (Even faking it sometimes helps, when you're feeling more comfortable with having sex again.) You both deserve to feel safe, and you both deserve a healthy, enjoyable sex life. Good luck!
You need a sexy partner: http://www.lover-fashion.com/Wholesale-Sexy-Lingerie-c549.html
You need to read this it may help. Try shifting the focus from the physical part of physical intimacy to the intimacy part.http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5404766?ncid=newsltushpmg00000003&ncid=fc...
You should take a moment and read this. This couple had the same problem and approached it in a surprising way, which worked.http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5404766?ncid=newsltushpmg00000003&ncid=fc...
Have a really good dr take a look at your hormones. I feel this way too, it took 4 years to figure out what was wrong with me. It's medical not psychological in my case but I decided to call off my wedding before I found the right Doctor, it's a shame...
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I realize I am reading this and responding to it 5 years later, but your post has really touched me. I am not married nor do I have children yet, so that part I cannot begin to understand, but I have little to no sexual desire and am afraid my fiancé will leave me in the end because of it. I find infinite ways of procrastinating to avoid "pleasuring" him at the end of the night and I waver between feeling a kind of disgust for his single-mindedness when it comes to sex and feeing like a child who wants to cry, thinking of what I might lose. All I can say is this: you should absolutely not feel guilty or feel that you have to do something you do not wish! If your husband puts his needs before yours, then he is selfish and is not worthy of your love. Women are made to feel so guilty for so many things - that if they do not please and hold things together, it is their fault. Maybe you've worked things out with your husband now, and if so, that is a great achievement. If not, I strongly believe that children are the greatest blessing of all, and ultimately every couple finds their love and passion fading and replaced by a much greater passion, which is the love for their children. This world does not have enough sensitive people in it, and I appreciate your sharing your vulnerability. I hope life treats you well and that you find happiness.
I'm in the same situation, however I'm the man. My partner has threatened to leave on more than one occasion and within the past year, we've probably made love twice. I just don't feel it, like I love her and think she's beautiful ect but the sex part of me, there's nothing there.
She says it makes her feel unattractive and unloved even though I show her love and affection in other ways.
She has just become a mum, our baby is 4 months. I'm working 12 hour days, 3 or 4 days a week. I can't keep saying I'm tired as she doesn't care about that anymore. I dont want to lose her but I can't see a way around this
Did you ever resolve it?
Jesus every man wishes for someone like your girlfriend/wife your lucky to bad your being lame
I have been married for 16 years. The past 8 years I have had no sex drive. I don't want to cuddle at night. It feels like an effort if I have sex with my husband. I really do love him. But he asked for a devorce cause he feels like I'm rejecting him, and that he puts me off that's why I don't want sex with him. We have 3 wanderful kids together, and don't want to loose him. I'm sitting in the same position. But in a way I understands how he feels. If we had sex 80 times in the past 8 years, its allot. But I have no idea how to fix it. How to fix me.
For me my biggest regret was not seeking help. My husband dealt with me not wanting sex for 15 years. He was always supportive but did talk to me to tell the regular rejection was hard on him too. Finally one day he came home and said he loved me but couldn't stay married like this anymore, he left an hour later while I cried.
After I got up I finally went to my Dr and a councilor, but it had already been a year since he left. We still talked because of the kids and he stayed very good to me. As time went on I "figured myself out" I decided to talk to him when he brought the kids home. I wanted him to know I still love him. Unfortunately when we talked and I told him everything he said he was so proud of me, this was all he ever wanted for me, but he had moved on and started dating a new woman 3 weeks earlier. I was devastated.
I still see him regularly and he is good to me and the kids. I know I threw everything away with a patient man and good father because I thought it was fine, even when he kept talking.
Don't make my mistake, your man will be a lot more patient if he knows you are trying. Of you don't take steps, honestly why should he.
From a man standpoint. I'm at the verge of leaving my partner because she doesn't want to have sex and was looking for posts from other men but stumbled on the women's side of it. Us Men have urges and classify sexual rejection as our partner not wanting to be with us. It's the most important part of the relationship to us and we show our love to you women with touch and when there is none the relationship doesnt feel like a spouse or gf but just someone that sleeps in the same bed and feel like theres no point into the relationship. without wanting to. We tend to distance ourselves bcs of the stress it brings, and will already have plans of leaving and what to do until eventually one separates.
For me I'm in my last leg will try again tonight. If theres nothing tomorrow I't will be clear what direction I need to take. Wish it could of been different.
Did you end up leaving?If you did, do you ever wonder if years down the track, another woman in your life will act in a similar way? And the cycle just continues.
My husband is very similar, and no matter how many times I explain its not that we don't find them attractive or are rejecting them, he just doesn't understand.
There comes a point where you have to be true to yourself. If you think leaving your partner is best, and there is nothing else in your relationship that is worth staying for, then leave. Let her go and perhaps your partner will find someone who is willing to accept her for the whole person she is.
My husband and I have created a wonderful life with beautiful children. For me, there is so much more to our relationship than sex. He however sees sex as the determining factor. Sometimes I just wish he would leave...I deserve better than to be treated with comtempt and be subject to his ridicule that I'm the worst wife in the world because sometimes I don't feel like sex, or engaging in sexual acts that don't appeal to me. It's probably the oldest problem in the world, likely created when monogomy was seen as the norm.
I agree 100% as a man
My fiancé just left me yesterday due to not having sex. He said well since the baby is taking a nap why don’t we have Addit. Well first stuff the way he put it to me didn’t really turn me on lol and secondly I told him well if you can put the baby down without waking him and he just plopped him in the chair which made me uncomfortable as I was concerned that the baby would fall out of the chair all because my fiancé wanted to have sex. Now what to do with us I actually don’t know. I am concerned that he is going to fight for the baby because he doesn’t work and is on a fixed income with disability due to an accident and I have been attempting to run my business the best that I can in shorter hours due to having the baby. I thought he was a man of his word and he would take care of us and I’m glad that I never 100% counted on him because it seems like all he wants is to act like a two-year-old that isn’t getting his way. I also felt like I was being cheap or felt like I was cheap when we did have sex as it was always when he wanted it and not when I wanted it but that didn’t matter in his mind.
I guess we will find out in the days to come what will happen. He says he’s frustrated and just doesn’t see our relationship going forward being any different. I told him this is my first time being a mom in my afternoons when I am able to start work is total chaos because all my clients with my bookkeeping company seem to have an issue going on and I only have about a 4 to 5 hour window to get things straightened out Monday through Friday. Sad and unsure But I am glad that at least I kept my house when we bought the new house as my work is primarily remote but I do need to pick information up from my clients and they are around where my house is. I am glad that the baby and me have some place to stay and we have my parents near so if I need a babysitter I have one. We were supposed to have a babysitter at the other house cleaning his mother but she has defaulted and always has an excuse when we inquire if she can watch the baby.
I definitely agree that there should be an emotional tied to having sex and I am just so tired or am thinking of the afternoon to come and not thinking about having sex as I am in the middle of watching a very active child in the morning who I cannot get to take a nap. My fiancé gets lucky in the afternoon as he gets a nap if not sometimes too right before dinner he’ll have one and he usually takes one right when my fiancé takes over watching him. It’s been a difficult road but I would not give it up at all and I guess if we have to live separate lives then that’s just what we have to do. I guess it will be up to him what he chooses
Yeah as a man I will leave if sex isn’t on the table I value sex very highly and I feel the way your husband feels I broke up with my significant other after 6 years because she wanted to get married and all of that and I wasn’t for it because I will not be apart of the 15% of sexless marriage that is depressing and I don’t want to have to go seek sex with another person because the person who is by my side at all times just doesn’t feel like it because if he is doing everything in his power to make you feel good about yourself and you still dont sleep with him kids or not he has the right to leave and If I was his buddy I would have already told him to leave because he is going to be stuck in a endless sexual depression sorry if I didn’t spear feelings but I don’t care or feel bad.
I have come to my wits end with my wife. Before marriage and kids, we had a healthy sex life. I like to think I'm easy, I don't need it all the time, but would like to be a little adventurous, have adult happy funtime. That can mean a lot of things, but I would happily settle for oral, giving, receiving and some adventure, nothing hard core. After marriage, she started removing things I enjoyed from the menu. We are down to two positions, in the dark, in silence. Oral is strictly forbidden, giving and receiving. Most times I walk up to touch her sexually, randomly, when we are alone, I'm swatted away like a predator or looked at in disgust. She won't touch me randomly period. I can't get a back rub after hauling concrete and tile out of our kitchen all day during a remodel. As a husband and father, I feel I'm killing it. I work hard and make very good money, I probably do close to half of housework and kids stuff even though she has considerably more free time. Many tasks like cleaning bathrooms and mopping floors I have been suckered into permanently, because I'm allegedly better at it lol. I can fix most anything. I have remodeled most of our home myself to a professional finish, I get my honey do list DONE, this weekend, not next month or next year. Yet she has told me at times, in essence, that I need to earn sex. I have been earning it consistently and reliably for over 20 years. If I was told when we were dating this was all that I could get, EVER, I wouldn't be married right now. I don't know what the issue is, but I think there is only one person in this relationship. One of the posters above mentioned him needing to respect your wishes and that he isn't entitled to anything. I agree, but I'm sure when he agreed to marry you he was not agreeing to a sexless marriage. If that's what was offered, none of the women here would have been married in the first place. I know that some of you will see that as mysogeny, but you know it's true and I think you also know it's a fair assessment. Marriage needs to work for both parties. That's why we get married, because each of us is getting something we want. Take that away, and divorce is the going to be the end result every time. I'm going to work on it. I have some ideas, but my kids will be grown in a few years, if it's not resolved, I have resigned myself to move on and never look back. I realize the grass isn't always greener and I could end up in a similar situation. This time, I will certainly make clear my terms and would expect to receive hers. Expectations need to be met, period. Otherwise, there is no point to a relationship.
Man, this sounds just like me. So similar in so many ways. My kids are getting near college age. I absolutely have to hold out at least another year for my older one until he is in college as he needs the home stability. But once he's gone, I just don't don't know if I can continue down this road. Fortunately my younger one is extremely self sufficient. The chaos leaving his mom can potentially create for him pains me to no end but I am so absolutely miserable in this sexless marriage...
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