This may be a long story. I apologize now.
Firstly I do love and care for my mother.
I just feel so disconnected from her, she is pushing me away.
She has made it pretty obvious that she doesn’t like my husband and the father of my daughter. She does not say anything directly to my husband, she will chastise me when my husband has done something she doesn’t like.
My husband works away for 7 days, 12 hours a day in the hot sun. When he has his week off sometimes stuff (like fixing cars or our house) doesn’t get done which is fine by me as he works hard and helps out heaps with cooking and looking after our baby. But she said to me one day that my husband does nothing around the house which really upset me! If I wasn’t happy in my marriage I wouldn’t be here. My mother has nearly cost me my 13 year marriage on more than one occasion by interfering.
She constantly criticizes my parenting and my life in general but she uses the old “it’s only because I care” line. It doesn’t matter how many times I gently tell her that she needs to take a step back she just doesn’t listen, then she gets hurt when I get cranky at her.
My mum and I currently live 30 mins apart and I regularly travel to the town she lives in for work or groceries etc. and yes most of the time my daughter (8months) and I go and visit. My dad works away a lot so we don’t get to see a lot of him.
Last year I was reliant on mum a lot as I was struggling with post natal depression and would spend a lot of time with her when my hubby was away. Now I’m feeling better I’m not as reliant on her. The fact is I had to force myself take care of my daughter on my own and it really empowered me. Maybe my mother thinks I don’t need her anymore because of that. But I’ve told her I still need her.
I was telling a friend the other day about when we (hubby, bubby and I) went to town to get groceries and my mother called and asked what we were doing and I said getting food and she said “aren’t you coming around here to see us? Your father hasn’t seen the baby in a few weeks” my hubby and I were exhausted (bad night with bub) but we went around anyway and my dad spent all of 5 mins with the baby and went in to another room, my mum tried to say he was busy with work but he is ALWAYS busy with work. My friend told me my mum was using emotional blackmail.
I’ve given my parents many opportunities to see their granddaughter but they will very rarely travel the 30 mins to see her. They do ask about her some days.
The straw that has broken the camels back for me is she said she was jealous that her other grandmother was coming to visit (she lives 4 hours away) my mum has seen a lot more of my daughter than my MIL. And whilst my MIL was out here I didn’t make contact with my mum at all when usually it is my mum that texts me everyday.
She has also said that I don’t get cranky at my MIL but not once has my MIL overstepped the boundaries! My MIL told me if I feel she is overstepping the line to let her know. But she supports us and would get in the car now and come out if I asked her to but I’m having trouble getting my mum to travel 30 mins for help.
When photos of my daughter go up on Facebook she always makes comments “I love you so much” it just feels likes she is trying to make out she is a loving grandma.
She was even disappointed in my name choice for my daughter when she was born.
These things are just the tip of the iceberg, there is a lot more crap she goes on with.
I’m about ready to wipe her completely.
It’s sad when I feel more connected to my mother in law than my own mother.
I tried and tried patching things up with her but it doesn’t work.
I just don’t know what to do. I just feel it’s sad for my daughter that her grandmother only wants to be in her life when it suits her.
I just feel like I’ll never be good enough for her.
Edit * I just got a text message asking why I didn’t go and visit her the other day when I had my daughter and MIL with me, we had to get to a certain shop before it closed and then we basically came home *
8 Replies
Sorry, no advice, but I feel your pain. My mother (and dad) like to play favourites - my kids are not the favourite grandkids.
I think you are overeacting wanting to cut ties with her. God forbid you have a mother that loves you and your child and wants to see you. I have a mother that cant be fucked with me or my children.
Maybe just set some firm boundaries, be completely honest with how you are feeling and go from there. Life is to short to make a mountain out of a mole hill.
I don’t think you are understanding what I’m saying. She has not bothered at all for months to come and see her grandchild.
She wants to be a grandmother when it suits her.
I asked her to bring me more pain relief for my teething daughter as there is no chemist where I live and she wouldn’t even do that.
I’ve tried telling her how I really feel and setting boundaries soooo many times and she might be ok for a week and she is back to criticizing me, I can’t do anything right in her eyes. She has nearly cost me my marriage numerous times because she won’t stop interferring.
Ha ha- your response didn't show up while I was writing my response (below re: write her a letter). if it did my advice might have been a little different. Although maybe not. I would still write that letter but perhaps it would be more a list of conditions- I will visit you once a week when I come to town for xxxx. If you would like to see me and bubs outside of that you are welcome to visit us. You will not talk down about my husband. You will not criticise my parenting- you had your turn, now this is mine etc. Set some boundaries not only for her but also for yourself i.e. I won't respond if she texts me while I'm in town demanding I come to visit. Be strong and good luck Mumma!
The behaviour you describe from your Mother is selfish and childish and it sounds like manipulating you is a game she thrives on while meanwhile it exhausts you. As a Mum of a baby with a husband who works away I'm sure you are tired enough already. You need to stop playing her games. You need to stop giving away your power. This is your child, your husband, your family and your life. I would send her a letter or email stating some obvious facts and making clear your boundaries and expectations. Ask your Hubby for his input and then when she tries to undermine you or manipulate you next, you can back each other up and refer back to the letter you have written to give you strength. The hardest bit will be to stick to your guns but I have found that once I start to recognise emotional blackmail and manipulation for what it is, it no longer has the power over me it used to as I'm not buying into the guilt trip. It might take some time but she'll either start treating you with more respect or ...she won't, at which point you can then decide whether it's time to cut her and her toxic behaviour out of your life.
She sounds like my ex MIL. She interferes with her kids relationships the same as your mum, puts all the negativity into your head about your partner so you will feel hard done by in your relationship and start arguments, all while playing the 'nice guy' to your partner.
She has 5 children, my ex just broke up with his second wife mostly because of her meddling.
Her eldest daughter broke up her 15 year marriage because of all the things her mum was putting in her head.
The next daughter had a child to her partner, he bought a house for them to live in and was a very hands on Dad, but she stayed with her parents every second night because he was always doing something to get in trouble with her, and of course Mum was there to 'save' her.
Her second son cheated on his wife and mother of 3 children because he felt that he "deserved better", again he had his mother running down his wife constantly through their relationship.
Youngest one has just had a child and still in a relationship with the father, but I doubt for long because it's already started with her packing her bags to go to her Mums.
She guilt trips all the children and gets very jealous of the grandkids other grandparents and will make a drama out of the smallest things that they do, like I could have told her that my Mum took my kids to the zoo, and she would reply "WHAT!! She took kids that young to the zoo, she could have lost them or got into an enclosure!!" And plays favourites with the kids that 'make her proud' and are naturally talented at something, the others get ignored. She also excludes grandchildren if after their parents have split up and they have a close bond with the other parent, she expects them to take sides. Won't acknowledge 2 of my kids. And if she excludes them the whole family excludes them, no birthday parties etc. I believe she is a true narcissist, I know it gets thrown around alot but her behaviour and manipulation is really out there. Look up 'narcissistic mothers' and their behaviour and see if it matches your Mum. I hope not but will not hurt to find out anyway.
I understand this is stressful to the point that cutting her off seems the only thing you can do.
But what if you just cut the stress. Reply to her Im so busy, no spare time today. Then let it go. Ignore anything else. You know shes a whinger thats her. Call her and visit with the kids, anything else just keep at arms length.
Boundaries! Don’t tell her every little thing you’re doing. Don’t answer her calls or texts if you’re busy. Stop allowing her to control and manipulate you. If your dad wants to see you, he can call or visit, he is an adult after all, and so are you. Don’t feel you owe her, just because she helped you during one particular period of your life.
Be thankful your kids have atleast one decent granny, and you have a loving supportive mother figure. Some of us don’t have either