Ok ... So recently my sons father popped back up out of the blue after 2 years. During his time away from daddy duties our son decided he likes dresses and his love for pink grew strong. He's been wearing dresses for a year now but not everyday. He's not gender confused just likes dresses. Anyway his dad's fine with him having dolls and wearing pink but apparently dresses are just too far. now he thinks he can come back after so long and fight it and idk I guess he thinks he can somehow stop me from letting him wear dresses. But it's our son who will suffer. What would I tell him if it happened? Sorry daddy doesn't like it and the courts ordered you to stop?? His dad now won't talk to me about it like mature adults and wants to hide behind a lawyer. He's only going to damage any relationship he has with his son .... could he actually legit fight this? Would it even hold up in court? Has anyone else been through this or similar issues. It angers me because if we had a daughter who liked pants and dinosaurs we wouldn't be having this argument.. I feel like we've stepped back into the 1900s. It's 2018 and apparently children still have dress codes decided at birth by their genetals
38 Replies
I would never allow my son to wear dresses outside of the house, mainly because people can be cruel. As enlightened and tolerant as people are becoming, there is still a long way to go! So maybe your child's father feels you're opening him up for bullying and ridicule, which as we know can have a huge negative impact as well.
Obviously, this is a massive waste of the courts time but if he's unwilling to discuss it like an adult, let him travel this path because unless he can prove you've been forcing dresses on your son and causing undue emotional duress, he's unlikely to get his way. Parenting plans and the court system aren't there to enforce a dress code!
I think it's lovely that his mum loves him for him... But dad is trying to protect his son from years of ridicule. I don't think putting your son in clothes that won't make him be socially ostracised is making him suffer. Have some dresses in a dress up box for home play if you want him to be able to wear dresses if he wants. But sorry, I think dad is doing what he thinks is best. Don't forget, he remembers what it's like to be a young boy.
I don't think that's actually his reason. He doesn't mind him wearing other girl clothing and shoes just doesnt want him wearing dresses
What do you think is dads problem with dresses then?
No idea he won't talk to me
How old is he? Is he wearing dresses outside of the house? To school etc? I do agree with his Dad. It's ok to let a toddler prance around in a fairy outfit or whatever, but there is a line that needs to be drawn. If your child is walking around in your community with a dress on, children he goes/going to school with will see him, their parents will see him. He will always be known as the boy that wears dresses. Not everyone is sensitive gender neutral. People are cruel. Adults and children can be really unforgiving, and I think this kind of thing sets your child up for a hell of a time at school.
He's 6. He doesn't wear school dresses no but some of his friends do know he wears dresses and while they're sometimes confused they don't treat him any different and he has a heap of friends. He's not being teased or anything and seems pretty happy. It's the adults who whisper. Children are more understanding
They won't be as they get older. You're setting your kid up to be bullied
Are people who don't give their children plastic surgery or bleach their skin setting them up for bullying? Kids will always find something to tease about when they don't understand. They need to be taught better my son shouldn't need to hide himself. As he gets older I'll have less control of what he wears so thats not a valid argument. Can't continue to tell him he can't wear dresses as a teen
As a teen he can make an informed decision. He is a child who doesn't have the ability to foresee the future bullying. You as his parent should be able to see this. Encourage it at home with dress ups. Can't blame a dad for wanting to look out for his son's emotional wellbeing in years to come. If, as a teenager he wants to wear dresses then by all means, let him.
You can't control how other people raise their kids. You might think they're in the wrong for raising kids with closed minds and they might think you're in the wrong for letting your son wear dresses. I have never seen school boys wear dresses to school. It's not just teasing you have to worry about, its getting beaten up and having a video of it get 5000 views with just as many comments laughing and calling your son a little faggot. It's being on suicide watch when he's a teen. It's having no friends. It's being excluded from all the fun things. Kids are cruel. Adults are cruel. I think Dad knows this and thats why he's trying to stop your son wearing dresses. Whats the worst thats going to happen if you stop him wearing dresses? Whats the worst thats going to happen if you keep letting him?
Gosh it bugs me, the adults who believe being mainstream is great and anybody different is 'setting you child up to be bullied'.
The Op isn't asking others opinions and what they do with their own kids, it's not relevant here as she is entitled to her own views.
In saying all that, IF the dad was an active parent I would ask the op if there is any way she can compromise in the name of coparenting. I think this is something she believes strongly in and will be hard for her to change the message she wants to teach him, and from what I see dad has shown up from being absent and decided to pick and demand and gone about it the wrong way, it's probably got your back up even more. But if he's present and parenting, there will be a time when you will need to listen to each other and compromise.
He’s six, let him play dress ups at home, don’t make it bigger than it is. I see dads point, if he’s older and has “gender issues”, which I absolutely don’t think this indicates, he can choose. My ten year old loves wearing my high heels and having a hand bag around the house, he is jut mimicking me, his dad doesn’t even know, because when he leaves the house he doesn’t wear them. Your son won’t “suffer” if you restrict his dress wearing to your house. People are so big on challenging mainstream and people being who they are, that normal little kids behaviour becomes a big issue. As kids get older, they do notice differences and you are creating a problem for your child when there is no need.
If you were forced to not wear something you liked as a kid wouldn't you be upset? For example if your parents had forced you to wear only dresses. I actually see that happening today where mums will try and force their daughters to wear dresses and the girls retaliate. Now switch the issue to a boy only aloud to wear pants when he wants dresses. It's no different. If we're to denie a boy doing something they like why do girls get to do anything they like? Because woman fought for a very long time to have their rights. But if a boy wants something nope they can't fight for it and they must be protected and put in a bubble.
Yes, would be upset but I would have gotten over it and surely wouldn't even remember now. There is a photo of me wearing the most hideous outfit and honestly I think how could my Mum have let me wear that 😂. Your son will be an adult one day and may look back on all this and wonder the same about you. You're the adult. He should have a choice over what he wears but it stops with you. Would you let him wear a jacket on a 40 degree day? Singlet and thongs when its -3? No shoes while out in public? No hat or rashie at the beach? These are the kind of requests I face as a parent, but I wouldn't be a very good one if I allowed this to happen.
Sometimes as parents we make decisions our children don't agree with for their own good. Like encouraging vegetables, exercise, non screen based play time, sharing etc. Make the dresses for dress up at home so he doesn't get teased in years to come. If you don't think he has gender dysmorphia he will thank you for it in years to come.
M Y nephew was like this. His dad couldn’t stand it, his mum was fine. He had a younger sister so I think he liked the attention the younger sister got. He hasn’t grown out of it (he’s 11) and thinks nothing of it in public. I have noticed he’s starting to get shy, and avoids areas where his friends are.
I have a feeling he will either stop wearing them soon or it’ll be an at home thing. He’s got a girlfriend, good grades, and hasn’t mentioned any bullying.
It’s a dress. It might be a phase, it might not be.
It’s out job to support our children, regardless of the choices they make. If their not hurting anybody then it’s not an issue.
To answer your actual question!
I really don't see the courts making you stop him wearing dresses, if there was a legitimate case presented about your son's wellbeing then maybe, but I think they'd just laugh at the whole thing.
Maybe what you can do is have a chat to your son about how some people (ADULTS!) aren't accepting of boys wearing dresses and his dad is one of those people. Explain that his dad is worried that people might be mean to him. Kids can take in a lot and understand it a lot better than some adults.
Let him know that you fully support him and that if he wants to wear dresses then that is okay. But maybe when dad is around he can wear a pink top instead. Just a little compromise. It's a bugger because his dad hasn't been around all this time but I think it's important to respect his wishes as a parent either way :)
Oh wow, some people's mentalities amaze me!
I was bullied in school for my very ordinary name. Should my parents have changed my name or made me use a different name in public?
I was bullied in school because I was training to be a ballet dancer. Should I have kept my training a secret? Should I have only danced in my bedroom?
I was bullied in school because I was a 'slut' (I was a virgin and had never had a boyfriend). Should I have changed my behaviour in some way so people didn't perceive my so called sluttiness?
People you can't stop your children being themselves to protect them from bullying! It just doesn't work. 60 years ago your daughters would have been bullied for wearing pants! Did we stop wearing pants?? Gosh I was even bullied once for wearing dresses. Seriously, the argument that a child can't do something because they might be bullied is ludicrous!!
I understand what you're saying but I think the issue of bullying scares parents and rightly so too to be honest! Kids are literally not surviving bullying these days.
I was relentlessly bullied in highschool for being slightly outside the norm (I was a bit socially awkward and into anime lol), that bullying and harassment changed me at my core. Also, a friend of mine at school came out as gay, he liked make up and fashion - I wouldn't wish what he went through on anyone, how he made it through school in one piece amazes me (and this was only 10 years ago - the world really has a lot more progression to make).
So I would do anything so my kids didn't have to experience that - I think that's what a lot of people here are getting at!
OP here. the thing is the world doesn't change unless people are willing to fight for their own rights and wishes. If we all force our children to hide themselves out of fear it makes it hard on all children who try to go agaisnt the norm. Hiding from the world is just as bad for some people as it is fighting agaisnt it. People have killed themselves aswell from not being able to express themselves. Expecially if they are gay. They end up feeling bad about themselves as no one supports them. So there's no way to win. The best way I believe is to teach resilience. Not teaching to hide. some people may think my son can just b happy dressing up at home. But he doesn't like dressing up at home. He likes being naked at home 😂 he likes the feel of dresses and he acts alot more comfortable and happy when wearing one. I don't want to teach him to hide in a box. Because when is he ever going to feel comfortable coming out with anything else he wishes to do in life. He understands some people won't like it and I teach him what to say in those situations and to stand up for himself. If more parents would allow their children to express themselves we wouldn't have such an issue because it wouldn't be different. We are afraid of what people with fhink but in truth many other boys probably dress up at home aswell. What I notice is the boys don't seem to care what he wears only girls ask questions. Because many of the boys probably do it aswell or used to or know another boy who does. But girls never see it unless they have brothers. I'm not saying people should allow their children to do it just to respect my sons choices. He knows people may tease him but he still chooses to wear dresses and he doesn't want to stop. Also go back and read your post. You talk abouf how you were bullied. But you couldn't stop it could you? It's the bullies that need to change not the bullied
You know I actually agree with you, and I certainly wasn't suggesting your son should change who he is to appease narrow minded people, I actually don't recall saying he shouldn't wear dresses in public or other wise, just the main part of what I was trying to get at is that bullying is a huge concern for most parents, which I think is where a lot of the "he should wear dresses at home" comments are coming from.
I can see this from your perspective but I can see it from your sons dad's perspective too.
I think it just proves we still have a really long way to go before we achieve real equality.
I hope for everyone's sake this doesn't reach the courts and you and your ex can have a frank discussion about your feelings towards it and hopefully reach an agreement!
If this child were a teen that was transgender, gay etc or even a six year old with real gender dysmorphia, I would fully support your agenda. We all know the consequences of these kids not being allowed to be who they are, it is extremely psychologically damaging. We know the suicide rate is so high for kids living under these circumstances. The risk of being bullied/ostracised is worth it as the alternative can be devastating. Having said that, you have a little six year old who likes to wear dresses, you have said he has no gender confusion issues, so why are you using your six year old to push social/gender norms? I find it disturbing and inappropriate. I guarantee the majority of mums with sons, especially single mums, as we are their primary role model (myself included) on here have had times when their little boys liked to wear girls clothes at home, but we didn’t make it a big issue. He’s not gender confused and I believe he is too young to be making decisions about challenging norms in society, if you want to challenge them, go ahead, but don’t use your son who is doing what is pretty normal.
she doesn't need your approval.
The reason he's not confused is because he's free to choose what he wears. Half those children are only confused because their parents and society said they can't be who they are without being transgender. There have been real cases of teens who change their minds half way through a sex change before any surgery is done. I will not pretty much tell my son he can't have the things he likes because he's not transgender that's just stupid. I'm also not forcing or using him. He made his own choice and I'm letting him express himself.
I think what you have to realise is that bullying has morphed into something completely different now to what it was when we went to school. It's not just getting called names. The suicide rate for teenagers is at an all time high and the biggest cause is bullying. I hate to say it, but the only truly resilient kids have come from abusive homes and likely to be bullies themselves. The rest are just different levels of sensitive. When they all come together at high school thats where your problems begin.
I have a ten year old, I don’t let him choose what he wants to wear because he’s ten. He would wear summer clothes in winter, winter clothes in summer and he absolutely never matches anything. He’s a six year old who likes to wear a dress sometimes, geez, put it into perspective and stop making it about him changing the world. Don’t put him in dresses when he goes to visit dad, not that hard, stop pushing your political agendas. I can guarantee separated parents arguing about a non issue in front of a child, creating hostility and going to court is much more damaging than him not wearing a dress to dads. Are you on a quest to be right and change the world through your six year old son or would you rather have a peaceful, non combative, settled coparenting relationship with the father of your child? I know which would be in the best interests of the child, you’re creating a storm out of a tea cup. Again, if this were a transgender child, with gender confusion, totally different ball game.
Oh and you mentioned he likes to be naked at home. Do you let him go out naked?
I’m also curious how he got the dresses in the first place? Did he beg you one day to go out and buy him dresses? How did he even come to own dresses in his size?
Are you sure you aren’t using this issue to passive aggressively get back at your ex for his lack of involvement? This issue seems very deep seated on your part, the solution to just not send him in dresses at dads place is the obvious one yet you want to create a war with this.
How the hell would I be trying to get back at him when I had no idea he was coming back lmao I would be happy to make a deal with his dad but he won't talk to me. I'm not sure who you are lady but you seem pretty worked up about it.
Wearing weather suitable clothing is completely different to the type of clothing. My 6 year old is very good at choosing matching clothes :) and like I said I'm not trying to change the world. If all of this is such a small matter and I'm the one making a storm why can't it be the other way around and his father stop making such a big deal. He's the one going on about it when our son is happy and has been for a long time before he decided to come back.
If this post is anything to go by, it’s your way or the high way, with absolutely no compromise. The fact he knows about the dresses means you send him to dads in them (maybe to irk him?), so I am sure he wouldn’t have chosen the legal avenue if you were willing to make a plan, as you say.
Nope I tried to talk to him he really just went straight for calling a lawyer. Same when getting back into seeing him. No contact with me straight to a lawyer. I don't get why no ones reading what I'm writing.. why would I lie? He found out through common friends before he came back
I think you wanted a sisterhood to back you and instead people are saying maybe dad has valid concerns and there is an easy solution that doesn't really restrict your son. I agree that you don't seem to be willing to consider other options. Perhaps seek legal counsel. Ask things like could this go to court and how much will it cost you? Ask yourself how the case will impact on your son... If only by stressing you. Ask whether your son could be required to have a court ordered psychological assessment to determine whether there is gender dysmorphia and you're just supporting that? Ask yourself whether there is an easy solution to all of this?
Yes!! The comment above, so well said!!
I wanted some advice on this matter from people who understand and have been through similar. Instead I've got people telling me what I should do because they don't agree with my parenting decision. I've got people saying I'm wrecking a relationship I've always tried to encourage and support. I've got people saying I'm setting him up to be bullied. I've got people saying I manipulated my son into doing it while at the same time calling it normal. So yes I'm upset and expected a little support and positive advice not to be attacked by strangers
Youve really copped it. It seems there are certain issues that people think they have a right to push their beliefs as the only right way, no respect for alternative views.
Gosh people have stated some wild assumptions here 😲
I've tried to look at this objectively from both parents points of view and I think there's some valid points from both perspectives too but some of these comments have gone too far!
We all know very little about your life IM, aside from the few paragraphs you've written. You know best!
I think if you want simple legal advice, you're best of speaking to a professional because people are going to give their opinions on this page whether they're asked for or not unfortunately (especially on such a decisive topic).
All the best anyway 😊
If your ex already has a lawyer, Id be getting one too. Let them know the whole situation, absentee father, the dresses anything and everything. Next (and I not saying this because I think your son needs it) but get him some councilling. Just so it documented by someone professional that your son understands and is happy wearing whatever he likes. Your solicitor will also probably recommend you seek councilling for him. It wont make it to court unless mediation isnt done first.