Hi
When I had kids my friends all melted away (even if they had kids too). Now, I have a group of people - fellow mums from school - who I go out to coffee with once a week or fortnight. Probably 4 times a year we go out to dinner. Every time we plan something my husband says he "doesn't see the point" in me going and that "going out for coffee should be enough". I point out he goes out for beers with workmates but apparently "that's different".
He'll start a conversation but if I don't agree he'll end the conversation with the threat that I was making it into an argument. Then send a text apologizing and that he should have ended the conversation differently.
I feel like I'm being baited, emotionally jeopardized.
I tell him he's being controlling but of course he denies.
I don't know what I'm after here. I'm just tired.
Just don't know anymore
Just don't know anymore
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
5 Replies
Sounds like he’s a bit jealous and wants to keep you all to himself which is not conducive to a healthy relationship. I would tell him to suck it up, it’s only a few times a year and it makes you happy so that should be good enough for him.
Trust your instincts. You know that what you're asking for is not unreasonable or excessive. And if you feel like he is messing with you emotionally by starting conversations then cutting them short and labelling you as argumentative then he probably is. I would be asking him to clearly define why he feels him going for beers with workmates is 'different' to you going out for dinner with a few Mum friends. Don't let him give you a blow off answer, really make him explain his reasoning. There could be several valid (at least to him) reasons- maybe he's not confident in his ability to care for the kids by himself at night, maybe he feels threatened by your friends, maybe he's insecure, maybe his own Mum never went out a night in her life and he thinks you should be the same. At least once you get to the bottom of his motivation you'll have something to work with. And if he can't or won't give you a reasonable answer then as the poster below stated- just tell him to suck it up because you're going. Don't allow your life and friendships and happiness to be dictated to. You're a hardworking Mum who deserves some time out occasionally.
I'd suggest just not allowing yourself to be baited. Noones perfect and everyone has an asshole gene in them, when he's being a cock and says he "doesn't see the point", just reply with "thanks ok, I see the point which is why I'm doing it". End of topic.
No doubt we all do a lot of things our significant others don't see the point to, the thing is to not stop doing them regardless.
Red flag for domestic abuse. Get yourself a good counselor, and don’t tell him about it!
Dont even ask if you can go. TELL him your going. If he tries to argue theres "no point" say casually "oh well, sometimes its fun to do pointless things" and walk off.
By the way there is totally a point you going out for dinner with friends. Its a night off you cooking. Its a meal you get to enjoy socially. Its a night out without kids. We all need those outings or we feel burnt out.