My MIL is from another state and I'm due in early August with our first. When would an appropriate time to visit?
Originally she said October which i suppose was ok, but now she would like to come at the end of August. I just don't think I will be ready to handle my MIL, with a brand new baby and husband back at work!
She's not intentionally a malicious lady. But she often says things that offends me quite deeply (she was here a few months ago and when we said we are having a girl she said next child we can get it right and have a boy or I don't know what to do with girls it would have just been easier to have a boy).
It's also like my husband regresses back into being a child when she is around and to be honest I don't think I'll be able to handle it and she will definitely want to stay here with us.
So when is it a good time for the MIL to visit interstate after our first baby is born? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
13 Replies
What does your husband want? I think that decision should be up to him. After all how would you feel if he was to say he didn't want your mum there? I'm really close with my mum and want her at every major event in my life. I don't have that right though, if I was to tell my husband that it's ok for my mum to be around but it's not ok for his to be around.
I'm sorry but I agree with the first comment. This is a special time for your husband also not just you. I know once I become a grandma I would be deeply offended if my kids made me wait weeks to see my grandchild. I think end of August would be a perfect time especially if hubby is back at work, you will probably appreciate the help from mother in law.
I agree with the other commenters. Also an extra pair of hands with a new baby can be very useful.
I think it's up to you and what you feel comfortable with. If you don't feel it's the right time then delay it a little longer....but like the other people have said, it's an exciting time for her as well, your husband might really want his mum to meet his child, if she is helpful and does washing and cooks dinner etc it could really assist you if your husband has returned to work. Also keep in mind that this is your child's grandma and for the rest of your child's life she is going to be involved with her grandma, don't start off on the wrong foot or it could get ugly down the track.
See this is the thing. I'm not asking for my mother to come up either (who again is out of state).
You have to remember it's not like she will be able to go home or pop in for an hour or two and help me out
She will be here constantly! No space at all.
I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way but maybe you are over thinking it a bit to much. How long would she be staying for? You and bub could always retrieve to the bedroom for a nap if things gets to overbearing. Or maybe just invite her to stay for a weekend? Please keep he feelings 8n mind though, she is probably bursting with excitement to meet your baby. I can totally understand if it was hours after baby was born but seriously a few weeks after??
I understand that. I lived interstate to family. Family visiting and staying is what family does. I had 5 people come and stay when I lived in a two bedroom unit. If things get too much you have a shower or go and read a book in bed. Nobody expects you to entertain them the entire time they are there.
I think it depends on how long she is staying. If it was me, I would out a limit of a week. I completely get what you mean about not having space, I value my alone time and having visitors is quite stressful to me as it's 24/7 people and you can't necessarily just do your own thing. Unfortunately I think this is just something you are going to have to just suck up and deal with as even if you put it off till September she us going to at some stage be coming and staying with you and your husband. It's going to be annoying and difficult to deal with no matter when it happens as with a young baby you can't plan or assume that September will be better (poor sleeping/colic/teething/whatever) so maybe just accept that it's going to suck but it will be over and as you said, she's interstate and isn't going to pop in all the time....
It's up to both of you, remember if she upsets you normally, your hormones may intensify emotions.
Our parents are both interstate. My mum came up the day after and it was fantastic till 2 weeks on she was still in our house and my hubby and her got in each other's way.
My mil and SIL came a couple of weeks later, and me being sleep Deprived and them being know alls it ended bady.
Baby number 2 a year later we had just us for 2 weeks. We were ready and life was much nicer.
I think it depends on how you feel. At the end of the day you need to make the decision that I best for your family.
Your MIL maybe a pleasing to have over if she is one to help out. In those first few months I needed so much help but my hubby didn't want ask due to him being a man. So when he went back to work at one month my baby was sleeping at 1am at night because that's the only time I could get her to sleep then waking up at 7am (with feeds in between!!). My mum came over to help and she was unbelievable. By that time I started suffering from pnd and anxiety particularly around my baby sleeping. My mum was the best support for that.
My MIL lived closer to me but when she came over I was the one who always ha to make her coffee or dinner. She was no help at all. If she had been staying there the whole time I would of kicked her out as in the end of each visit she was a burden.
So my advice if that we first few months are incredibly challenging from a sleep, feeding, relationship and hormonal perspective. You need to think of whether MIL or anyone else would be a hinderence. You will most likely be struggling with sleep deprivation, sore breasts (if breastfeeding), sore body from birth, hormonal issues and also this is a time for you to bond as a family. If MIL will be a bother ask her to come later but make sure that when you ask her to come over you include a lot of firsts for her and even present her with a sentimental gift for respecting our wishes such as a photo album (detailed) with pics from the period she missed. 4months is a great time I found and even later is better (I'm loving spending time with my 9 month old).
Never!
It's her new grandbaby too she'd be busting to get there! Is this your first? Trust us when we say you will love the extra set of hands... If she usually doesn't help out then make 'I'd love if you could cook us .... Insert hubby's favourite meal and make extras we can freeze when your not here.' She can help hang out the washing, do your ironing, the list is endless and when she's gone there's not so much for you to do! The house work just piles up if you have an unsettled bub. If she gets too much for you go for a walk, take a shower, have a sleep you might find in time to come those first weeks are a blur with sleep deprivation and you won't remember her being there, but she will have loved the time with you as a family
I feel your pain. My mother in law is interstate, and turned up unannounced the day after I got home from hospital. She also brought her dog. We are a pet free home, and she made demands that her dog must sleep with her, so I offered to put her bed outside with the dog. Her husband (my hubby's step dad) is also very awkward to have around. He would sit there while I was trying to organise my first attempts at breast feeding. The inlaws stayed a week and according to my mother in law (who I have never gotten along with) I was doing everything wrong. It made bonding with my first baby a very difficult time. Work out what is good for you, and let your mother in law fit in with that. Don't let her decide what is best for you :)