Should an absent father automatically be entitled to a visit on christmas easter and the childs birthday? Ie only the fun stuff.
There is no contact 90% of the year no phone calls cards messages etc with the child. Only ever a demand 3 times a year that this is his entitlement. Normally a day to a week before said event.
The child hasnt been around him for longer that 4 hours since 12 months old. Only knows him by first name (their choice) and never asks about him and i have tried when they were younger to have regular visits he just doesnt show up.
Id love others honest answers on what they would do.
There are numerous concerns about him and his behaviour seeing i left due to dv Despite all this i have always done "the right thing" and for 6 years have never stopped contact. Would you drop everything to give him the time he is "entitled" to?
Absent father demands
Absent father demands
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Kids
10 Replies
Ummmmmmmm it’s a hard one.
I feel inclined to say that I’d just go with it. When he is in contact with you the week before an event, give him a time/time frame and day that suits you under the circumstances that suit you and it’s up to him to turn up.
My father was VERY much like this. And only saw or heard from him during for birthdays/Christmas ect. But I am still so grateful that I actually had the opportunity to know him.
Now, to explain my relationship with my Dad, I say that it’s non-existent. I see him once or twice a year and that’s all. I don’t really know him as a person. But I do love him, he will always be my Dad and I am just grateful that he does pop up in my life occasionally. I know he loves me too and that I am special to him. But we just don’t serve a purpose to each other regularly, for some odd reason that works for me in my head.
Obviously not knowing your full story, it’s hard to say if that would be benificial for your child or not but that’s my perspective and my personal experience.
Thank you so much for your experience its nice to hear from someone who has been there as tge child.
I did offer him christmas eve time but he declined ut as it doesnt suit the time he wanted but we plan xmas celebrations months in advance and xmas day we are out of town.
All the best for you and your fam xx
No I wouldn’t drop everything if you already have plans, but if he reached out two to three weeks in advance or so to make plans I’d maybe be more receptive. If the days he is demanding don’t suit then cover yourself and offer an alternative that suits you rather than just a flat no. Should he ever seek custody or claim you are withholding your child evidence that you have offered visits and been declined would be points very much in your favor.
Also, are there any custody orders or parenting plans in place? Would he be the type to go for custody if you deny visitation?
No plans or orders in place. I tried mediation several times and at one point he signed over custody to me but courts rejected it based on dv (this was befire dv became the hot topic it is today)
He alwats threatens to take he the child away and go for custody but he doesnt work and is going through a divorce with another woman who has a child and a dvo against him.
Ive played fair offered him christmas eve when he demanded time and he declined as the timing didnt suit him. Easter will be the next contact now.
Then I wouldn’t worry. He doesn’t get to swan in and demand times whenever he wants. You offered an alternative, he declined = his loss. Just keep a record of these texts in case he ever does decide to go for custody (though he seems too lazy to bother to be honest).
No. Seems he feels entitled but it is not 'his right'.
He has absolutely no rights to visit you or the child at your house outside of court orders, what a joker. As a parent, he should understand that having a child requires planning, he can't expect you to start reorganising plans to fit around him when he shows up a day or a week prior requesting it. If he gave more notice or agreed to take his child for set hours at a time before or after, that could work out - if it's what the child wants to do and if it doesn't cause them distress, but being able to rock in and out three times a year completely on his schedule and say-so is a joke there's no court that would approve that as 'parenting'. It sounds very detrimental and at that point you need to think about yourself and your child being able to enjoy these times without his drama.
If safety isn't an issue then Honestly I'd go with it to keep the peace on this one. Sometimes putting your foot down can actually make things harder on you and the child in the long run.
If this is the price to pay for peace and safety and not ending up in the family court (which is stressful for everyone, even the kids) then I'd say it's a small price.
I only saw my grandparents once a year growing up, but doesn't mean I didn't value that time.
But that doesn't mean he can demand Christmas Day when you've already made plans etc!
So agree with this!
If it’s possible, I would to keep the peace and your child to have at least a small connection with his dad. Even if he went with dad for a couple of hours in the afternoon of Christmas Day. What I’ve learnt in these situations is not to look at what he is “entitled” to, or what’s “fair”, it’s just life and you do what you can to accommodate and maintain that connection for your son’s sake.
I would allow a ‘visit’ for a couple of hours, and be there, just like any other distant relative visiting from out of town. Why should kids be forced to spend time with a sperm donor they don’t know? Unless the kids requested it, there’s no way I’d be handing them over on these special days