Hi sisterhood,
I have a question for those of you who grew up with a split family, or who have kids who you share custody with.
Here is our situation:
My husband has two beautiful kids, 9 & 7, who currently live with their Mum full time and only come to us on school holidays. We live in a different state so although we miss them we have all felt that was the best arrangement for their stability (their Mum moved them to a different town when the relationship broke down years ago).
We are now moving to the same town to be closer to them, and my hubby's ex has said we can have them 2 days a fortnight (every second weekend). We are happy with whatever time we can get with them, but we were hoping for more time with them than that.
There are no court orders, and things are generally amicable between us all. My husband is a great father and the kids are really close to us both, I adore them and we get on really well (I'm a luck stepmumma I know!). At the moment we skype them 3 times a week, and pay child support plus half all their extra expenses, and send a card and/or parcel once a month. My hubby was the kids primary carer before the split, and it took the kids a long time to adjust to not having him in their lives every day. They miss him a lot and often say things like they want to come live with us.
My question is, what works best for the kids in this kind of arrangement? We would love a week on/week off, but I'm not sure if that will be too destabilizing for kids, or whether it works well for their routine? Is 2 days a fortnight enough for kids to see their Dad? (Obviously we would go to the sports games and school events that don't fall on our days, but that's not really quality time).
We just want to do what is best for our babies but I really want to hear other people's experiences with sharing custody, and what works well for the kid's routine.
3 Replies
What works for one family may not work for yours, so this is really something you need to work out between yourselves. That will take time and readjustments til you can find something that suits everyone.
I think for the moment 2 days a fortnight would be good start and maybe having them after school and for dinner a few time a week would be nice, if you guys want more time it needs to be done gradually, jumping straight into a 50/50 arrangement probably isn't in the kids best interest. Even though your relationship with them is good it's still a big shift from what they're used to.
Good luck 😀
Honestly I wouldn't go in hard core asking for 50/50. 50/50 can be hugely disruptive and it's something that should be eased into. At this point the kids most likely see you as the fun house because you have had to worry about enforcing homework, going to school etc to the extent of mum, so take that with a grain of salt. Kids are excellent manipulators and will quickly start playing ALL the adults off against each other. I can guarantee they've had at least a whinge about going to dads for the school holidays to mum.
I'd ask for the one weekend a fortnight plus extra in the school holidays. Let that settle in for 3-6 months and then ask for one weeknight dinner. Give everyone time to adjust and then if it feels appropriate ask to build on your time.
Start with the two days a fortnight, mum has been doing it alone for a long time and it is difficult to give up the reins. Ease into having them over for dinner one night a week, do homework, dinner, baths etc. and drop them home, or she can pick up. She will start to see you as a partnership, work together, don’t lawyer up on her immediately, you have that in the Arsenal later down the track if you need it. The fact they are good kids and treat you with respect is a credit to her, she obviously has only spoken well of you both. Also, you’ve been the school holidays parents, take it with a grain of salt what they say about living with you. Get the dad to chat about school, attend parent teacher interviews, school events, get involved in their lives and the transition could happen organically, not with a third party mediator. It sounds like you’re dealing with a good mum, with good children, so work with her and understand how hard this will be on her. Even tell her she is doing a great job and that you want to take some of the load off her. If you come in demanding 50/50 she may think you guys think she isn’t doing a good job. Managed well, this could be a really amicable situation. Good luck and good on you guys for moving back to help raise the kids, you all obviously have the kids best interests at heart.